Morty quotes from Rick and Morty

Summer

Wait, what?! Vampires are real?!

Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew? Oh right, all humanity for hundreds of years now.

Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe. Get used to it. R-Right, Rick?

Summer

Well, what are we going to do?!

We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire.

Summer

Any leads on the vampire?

No, Summer. I mean, y'know, I think it might be time that we just l-let it go.

Summer

Oh, so now you're too cool for this just because Grandpa Rick is?

It's not that, it's just... that the universe is a little too big to care about something so small. [closes locker next to Tiny Rick] Ahh!

What up, my Helsings?! Who wants to hunt a vampire?! Hahaha!

Rick?! H-How did you—

Yeah, I got bored and then I remembered this morning how I blew Summer off and I thought, "Hey, why're you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled on in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick!!

O-o-okay...

Summer

Well, it's good you're here, Rick.

It'll still be fun to do this as a fuckin' team, motherfuckas! [all hands join, up high] Tiny Rick!

Summer

Yeah! Oh my God—Toby Matthews!

Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. [Summer hides her face] I'm new. Hey—oh, go easy on me. Haha! Just kiddin'.

[beat] ..I like your straightforward style. And that lab coat's pretty cool. [strolls] Summer.

Summer

..He knows my name!

Why wouldn't he?! You're great! But listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, [nudges Summer's arm] not even the dreamboats.

Summer

[flattered] Stop, Tiny Rick.

HUNTIN' A VAMPIRE WITH MY GRANDKIIIDS!! FUCK!! TINY RIIICK!!!

Hey, what's up, Summer? Ooh, nice top.

Summer

Thanks. Tiny Rick, you think you might be getting back into your old body tonight?

No can do. Tonight's the big dance, and Morty's bringing Jessica. He needs his tiny wingman! [high-fives Morty]

Tiny Rick! [Morty laughs]

Summer

Okay, but if not tonight, when?

I dunno. When I feel like it?

Damn, girl! You need to chill out! This whole thing was your idea in the first place, and now you're tryin' to rush it along.

Yeah, and y'know what? I like high school. I like hangin' out. I'm Tiny Rick!

Summer

But what if the you that likes it isn't you?

[beat, laugh out loud] Oh, Summer!

It's just Rick in a younger body! What's the-what's-what's-what's... what's the problem?

Summer

Look at his art, Morty!

I've got an emo streak. It's part of what makes me so rad.

Summer

Why does it say "Help me Morty and Summer!"?!

[crumbles, throws paper] Come on, Summer, that's just the title of the art. Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider? The car's name was KITT. Nobody rode Michael Knight. You're overthinkin' it, Summer. I'm Tiny Rick!!

Summer

Grandpa, I think that when you put your mind into this body's young brain, it did what young brains do—it shoved the bad thoughts into the back and put a large wall around them. But those bad thoughts are the real Rick. The fact that you're old, the fact that we're all going to die one day, the fact that the universe is so big, nothing in it matters—those facts are who you are! So you're trapped in there and you can only come out in the form of Tiny Rick's teen angst!

Well, Summer, I hear Toby Matthews isn't into psycho chicks. Can't think of anyone that is. I'll see you motherfuckas at the dance! Tiny Rick!

Summer

Morty, you have to help me!

Summer, he's happy! I'm happy! I-I-Is that why you're doing this?! You don't want me and Rick to be happy?!

Summer

No!

Well, then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack—all your shit, so it's together. [leaves, then comes back] And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it, o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together! [leaves, then comes back again] Get your shit together. [leaves]

It's the Opposite News with Michael Thompson!

Hey, everybody, it's me, Michael Thompson. Today the Pope didn't get killed. He's perfectly fine, and he's on vacation in Aruba. In other opposite news...

Hey, Rick, what's the deal with this guy? W-Why is his body, like, sloping off to the right side of the screen like that?

I don't know, Morty. Let's see what else is on, huh? [changes channel]

Hey, welcome to Cooking Things. I'm Pichael Thompson.

Hey, wait a minute, Rick! This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left!

Oh my God, and his name's Pichael!

I'm cooking a little bit of this, I'm gonna cook a little bit of that. Oh-ho-ho, hey! [drags conjoined Michael] Stop tugging, Michael!

Oh my God! Siamese twins! They're-they're Siamese twins!

You quit tugging! I-I'm in the middle of my news!

Oh, oh, it's always about you, isn't it? Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? He's got his own news show, he's got a normal name!

Hey, flip back to the news!

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You could tell our parents started with naming with him. [the news camera backs away, showing them in Pichael's side] It's like, "Oh, Michael." I ha— They had that one planned before they even got pregnant, I bet.

Summer

I don't wanna be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time?

Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production.

And then they found out I was attached along for the ride and they said, "Ah, shit. Well, just fuck it, call him Pichael."

[throws papers at Pichael's face] Fuck you, Pichael! You're a fucking piece of shit!

Summer

Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence?

Well, Summer, maybe people that create things aren't concerned with your delicate sensibilities, y'know? M-Maybe the species that communicate with each other through the filter of your comfort are less evolved than the ones that just communicate! Maybe your problems are your own to deal with, and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings is a one-way ticket to EXTINCTION!

Geez, Morty. I take it Katherine Heffelfinger hasn't texted you back yet?

I don't wanna talk about it!

Hey, Muchacho, does your planet have wiper fluid yet or you gonna freak out and start worshipping us?

The general store ought to have what you need.

Thanks.

Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown.

Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute, what? Why?

Sundown is when the Festival begins.

The Festival?

Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war, livin' in perfect peace.

Oh! I know what this is! You've been able to sustain world peace because you have one night a year, where you all run around robbing and murdering each other without consequence!

That's right!

What?!

It's like The Purge, Morty! Th-That movie, The Purge?

Oh, have you been here before?

No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. Y'know, sometimes it's called the Cleansing or the Red Time. There was this one world that called it just Murder Night. I-It's a purge planet. They're peaceful and then, y'know, they just purge.

Th-That's horrible!

Yeah. [beat] You wanna check it out?

You're the worst! And this planet is the worst! How can you be into this, y'know?! People are gonna kill each other!

So, what, y-y-you tryin' to sit here and tell me that iiif-- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, you don't click on it?

No! Why... why would I do that?! You do that?!

I don't, because it would bore me. I see shit like that for breakfast, Morty.

Wait, stop! Please don't kill me! I-I never intended to harm you, I swear! I am trying to end the Festival!

Wh-what-what do you mean?

I was going to use your ship to destroy the rich assholes that run our society and save my people from the horrors of this yearly Festival!

[still frenzied] FUCK THAT, RICK! WE GOTTA KILL HER! KILL HER! KILL HER!!

Whoa! Geez, Morty, purge it down a little.

"PURGE, DON'T PURGE"?! YOU'RE SENDING ME MIXED MESSAGES, RICK!

Morty, yehh-you're acting like a ehh-freaking lunatic. Calm down.

SCREW YOU, RICK! I'LL PURGE YOU TOO, YOU OLD... "RICKETY" PIECE OF CRAP! THIS HAS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING! I'M GONNA RIP YOUR FUCKING GUTS OUT AND SMEAR 'EM ALL OVER YOUR FACE! I AIN'T TAKING NO SH-AAAHH!! [gets zapped by Rick]

Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?

Jerry

Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this... previously unknown galactic government?

All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son.

Jerry

How could you be so dishonest with this family?!

Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know—my now dead best friend?! Or your daughter, who is BFFs with an intergalactic narc?!

Summer

Hey, Tammy was cool!

And now we know why!

Summer

Because of you!

Fuck you, Summer! And fuck the government! And fuck me for letting my guard down, which I will NEVER DO AGAIN.

Geez, Rick! You can't say f— "'F' you" to your granddaughter!

I just did, Morty. Here's dessert: fuck you.

Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning.

Yeah, about going home? We can't. Ever.

Wait, what?! / What?!

Oh, these guys are looking for us now. Earth will be swarming with them.

Jerry

Us?!

Jerry—

Jerry

I want to go home!

Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to go back to Earth. But here's what's gonna happen. Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of ehh-jumper cables under your nuts and/or labia, and hook 'em up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am - which I guarantee you you're not gonna know, which I guarantee they won't believe! So who's homesick? By applause. [Summer starts crying] Ladies? Anybody?

Summer

What are we going to do?! Where are we going to live?!

Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means "dirt", right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the Milky Way are at least 90 percent similar to Earth?

[calculates] "765 known planets."

How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction?

"Three."

See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfuckin' world?! All right!

Jerry

Okay, now that he's gone, can we please talk about our situation?

Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. Y'know, it's a small world.

Jerry

Please, he's in the south pole! And we need to have a serious conversation!

South pole discovered, baby! Oohhhh!! Oh, fuck, an ice cave?! Shit! [crawls into it] Things just keep on getting better! [reaches a heated area, starts shimmying at the side] Wow, it's the planet's core.

Jerry

[heard above] I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, [Rick climbs up and eavesdrops underneath the cabin floorboards] but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd want to interrogate us. But, and this is purely hypothetical—what if we turned your father into the government?

Jerry, so help me God, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon!

Jerry

There already is no more bacon! This world sucks! Our life sucks! Why are doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself?!

That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick! ... F-F-For the most part.

Summer

Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad. You love them unconditionally.

That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you.

Jerry

Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants?

Yes!

Jerry

WHY?!

Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!

Operating an unregistered portal gun, radicalizing a Summer, conspiring with a traitorous Rick. How do you plead?

How is this a fair trial? O-Our lawyer is a Morty!

It's not fair, you have no rights, and he's not a lawyer. We just keep him here because he's fun. Look at him go! [he laughs as "Lawyer" Morty drops his papers and dances around] We'll be lenient if you renounce your Rick. What say you, Summer?

Summer

I say "fuck you"! My grandpa was my hero! You killed him because you were jealous of him, that's pretty obvious from the haircuts. So do what you want to me, but let my brother go. He already renounced Rick.

Morty?

["Lawyer" Morty whispers to him] What? N-No, I don't want to see your Pog collection! I don't renounce Rick, and I never have. I was just trying to protect my sister. [to Summer, who looks stunned and more sympathetic] I wanted you to have a normal life. That's something you can't have when Rick shows up. Everything real turns fake, everything right is wrong - all you know is that you know nothing and he knows everything. And, well... well, he's not a villain, Summer, but he shouldn't be your hero. He's more like a demon, or a super fucked-up god.

Let's not suck the ghost of his dick too hard. He was a terrorist, and now he's dead.

Oh yeah? If you think my Rick's dead, he's alive, and if you think you're safe, he's coming for you!

Geez! Are my parents seriously gonna get divorced? All right, Rick, I'm gonna go to my--

[grabs him] Ah-ah, not so fast, Morty! You heard your mom. We've got adventures to go on, Morty, just you and me. And sometimes your sister and sometimes your mom, but never your dad. You wanna know why, Morty? Because he crossed me.

Okay, take it easy, Rick. T-T-That's dark.

Oh, it gets darker, Morty. Welcome to the darkest year of our adventures. First thing that's different: no more Dad, Morty!

Oh, geez...

He threatened to turn me in to the government, so I made him and the government go away!

Oh, fuck...!

I've replaaaaced them both as the de facto patriarch of your family and your universe.

Oh, man...

Your mom wouldn't have accepted me if I came home without you and your sister, so now you know the real reason I rescued you. I just took over the family, Morty! And if you tell your mom or sister I said any of this, I'll deny it!

You're gonna deny it...

And they'll take my side because I'm a hero, Morty! And now you're gonna have to go and do whatever I say, Morty! Forever! And I'll-- I'll go out and I'll find some more of that Mulan Szechuan teriyaki dipping sauce, Morty!

What are you talking about?

Because that's-- that's what this is all about, Morty!

"Szechuan"?

That's my one-armed man! I'm not driven by avenging my dead family, Morty - that was fake! I-I-I'm driven by finding that McNugget sauce!

"Nuggets"?

I want that Mulan McNugget sauce, Morty! That's my series arc, Morty!

What the hell?!

If it takes nine seasons! I want my McNugget dipping sauce, Szechuan sauce, Morty!

What are you talking about, Rick?!

That's what's gonna take us all the way to the end, Morty!

What are you talking about?!

Season-- Nine more seasons, Morty! Nine more seasons until I get that dipping Szechuan sauce!

What is that?!

For 97 more years, Morty!

What are you talking about?!

I want that McNugget sauce, Morty!

Summer, next time we're hiding in a chlorkian echo nest, can you do me a favour and turn your ringer off?!

Summer

It's called carpe diem, Morty. Look it up.

You look it up, you don't... you don't even know what it means.

Summer

That's because losers look stuff up while the rest of us are carp'en all them 'diems.

Listen to your sister, Morty. To live is to risk it all, otherwise you're just an inert chunk of randomly assembled molecules drifting wherever the universe blows you. Oh, I'm sorry, Jerry, I didn't see you there, how much of that did you hear?

Jerry

All of it. You were looking right at me. [sighs] I just... wanted to say goodbye to the kids.

Cool. Just stay in the driveway; the kill-bots are live, and I took you off the whitelist.

[Morty comes to the garage] Morty!

Rick? W-where are you?

On my workbench, Morty.

Are you invisible and you're gonna, like, fart on me?

Flip the pickle over. [Morty walks to the workbench]

What, I'm gonna touch it, and you're gonna tell me it's an alien dick or something?

Come on, flip the pickle, Morty. [Morty holds a screwdriver] You're not gonna regret it. The payoff is huge. [Morty turns pickle over with Rick's face on it] I turned myself into a pickle, Morty! Boom! Big reveal! I'm a pickle! What do you think about that? I turned myself into a pickle! W-what are you just staring at me for, bro? I turned myself into a pickle, Morty.

And?

"And"? What more do you want tacked on to this? I turned myself into a pickle, and 9/11 was an inside job?

Was it?

Who cares, Morty? Global acts of terrorism happen every day. Uh, here's something that's never happened before: I'm a pickle! I'M PICKLE RIIIIICK!

I didn't say my father is perfect, I said his work is important.

Summer

And she's saying what's important is that Grandpa lied to you to get out of coming here.

Oh, he did not!

Let's do an experiment here. I get the impression this family values science. So raise your hand if you feel certain you know what was in the syringe.

Raise your hand if you know for certain the syringe does not contain anti-pickle serum.

Beth, your hand did a little thing there.

Do you really not see what's happening here?

Tell me.

Well, Dr. Wong -- by the way, racist name -- obviously, Morty and Summer are seizing on your arbitrary pickle obsession as an end run around what was supposed to be their therapy.

Oh, I think this pickle incident is a better path than any other to the heart of your family's dysfunction. I think it's possible that you and your father have a very specific dynamic. I don't think it's one that rewards emotion or vulnerability. I think it may punish them. I think it's possible that dynamic eroded your marriage, and is infecting your kids with a tendency to misdirect their feelings.

Fuck you.

Mom!

Fuck both of you, too.