Rick quotes from Rick and Morty

Rick, I do not like to pull threads - it is a disruptive and feline activity - but I must ask...

I-It's fine, you don't have to--

Was there really a second in there where you knew about my child but chose not to inform me, on the chance that I might then grow too busy child-rearing to "hang out"?

Oh, uh... weird way to thank me for discovering your kid--

You did not know of the child when you came to rescue me, and once aware, refrained from sharing until necessary to save yourself.

[after an awkward pause] Fair enough.

I will see you when I see you. [flies away]

[spinning the "Wheel of Things Better Than Morty"] Come on, anything! Anything but Morty, let's go! Come on baby, no whammies! Duh-duh-duh-duh stop!

Okay, that's it. Two crows. You're fired!

You know what? Eat shit. You're just trying to make me feel worthless.

I never said you're worthless. In fact, I've given you a very clear metric of your worth: two crows. Note I didn't say three!

[on Rick's roulette wheel] What is that?

Oh, heh, that? Th-That's... nothing.

But I see "Two Crows" written right here beside "Gene with Donkey Brains", "Half a Paul Giamatti" and "Sentient Shit"!

I guess, the joke being that crows are stupid?

Look, I... think it's a little more nuanced than that--

Right, because you just learned empathy from us ten minutes ago, but now we're going to learn we don't get your humour? Fucking horseshit!

Yeah, there's not a ton to get, genius. The joke is your grandson was so replaceable that "even two crows could do it!" [chuckles dryly] It's funny, except it's not.

So we're like, back-back, right? Rick and Morty, together again. Full-full reset?

[sighs] No. No, Morty, I think we're done.

B-because I spilled the portal fluid and didn't tell you?

No, Morty. 'Cause you were too afraid to tell me. What we had was abusive, don't you see? I'm a bad partner because I never made you a true partner. The crows made me see that. I thought they were a joke like you, but it turns out they're more enlightened than any of us.

Oh, okay? And-and what's the undercut?

You're not hearing me. I will never be the same. So I need to leave with the crows and see what more they can teach me.

Oh. [wipes tears] Oh.

Here. [hands over his portal gun to Morty] I want you to have this.

Oh, wow. I... You know what, Rick? You really have changed.

Thanks, Morty. [starts walking away, then turns back to Morty] I'll always be your grandpa, Morty. Just kinda... obsessed with crows now.

Morty, I'm not responsible for every fucked-up Rick out there.

They literally all say that. They all have that excuse. It's part of their system. None of them have to be responsible, they're all victims of themselves. "Oh, it's so hard to be a genius." Couldn't you just die?

Well, what are you doing about it?

Jack shit. I'm leaving. Do you know what the Central Finite Curve is? They built a wall around infinity. They separated all the infinite universes from all the infinite universes where he's the smartest man in the universe. Every version of us has spent every version of all of our lives in one infinite crib, built around an infinite fucking baby. And I'm leaving it. That's what makes me "evil": being sick of him. If you've ever been sick of him, you've been evil too.

Rick... did you really leave the crows for me? Or did you come back because they dumped you?

There you go, kid. Now you're Evil Morty too. Sooner or later, we all are, on this side of the Curve.

Ugh... I guess this is how it ends. I thought I was better than this. Dramatic voiceover while stranded in space? I-I guess when you're dying, the first thing to go is your creativity. Citadel's gone, and the saucer we escaped in is out of power. The extra Mortys went feral. [some Mortys are shown ganging up on and devouring another] Eh, some problems solve themselves.

Been drinking a lot... [to Morty, annoyed] Morty, I told you to write this down! I-I don't have a helmet like that Avengers guy did! [facing the viewer again] Been drinking a lot of my piss. Portal gun's still broken...

[unsuccessfully testing the gun] I guess that was all part of Evil Morty's plan.

"Evil Morty" - c-can we stop flattering this guy?! His plan was to monologue and fuck off! He basically threw a tantrum to announce he was quitting Twitter.

Nobody quits Twitter. Hey, remember, like a second ago, when you pretended to not know who Iron Man was? Who was that for?

Sh-Shush, shush, Morty. This is how we go. Bear it with grace. [as Morty lies down next to him] Spinal cord, Robitussin as a base, then surprise me.

Mom!

Beth, maybe!

Is she trying to say something? [yells] W-We can't hear you! How dumb are...?! Beth, you're in a vacuum! Sound travels on air! Why am I yelling?

Wow, great.

Yeah, that's... wow. Really worth it. That was not worth it! It's corny! [gesturing, while Morty gives a thumbs down] You, corn! Dying of starvation here!

Oh my God, stop explaining! Stop explaining!

Are you finished?!

She's not finished.

Oh, nice.

Oh, real mature. R-Real classy.

Oh shit...

Wait, what? Wh-What's happening?!

Instead of resetting portal travel, I may have reset portal travellers. Too late to apologize.

Jerry

[enters, also pulsing green] Rick, why am I pulsing green? And don't say you don't know, because you're pulsing green.

Rick, are we about to die?!

[putting a makeshift device together] No, we're about to vanish from this reality.

Jerry

That's totally dying!

No, it isn't! It's everyone from this reality returning to their reality of origin.

Back to our original universes...!

I explained it fine, Morty, you're spoon-feeding spoons. Where's Summer?

Summer

[enters] Oh nice, you guys are back. [notices the flashing] Whoa...

Summer, three of us are one-way blind hopping. [hands her the device] You gotta help us get back. There's a protocol for this in your chore-server, filename "Booger AIDs".

Summer

Every file is "Booger AIDs"!

I—I hate naming things! Just.. search for words like "one-way blind hop, reset map beacon".

Jerry

[aghast] Why do I have a reality of origin?!

There's no time to explain, Jerry! Counting on you, Summer! "One-way blind hop beacon protocol"! HERE WE GOOOOOOO...!

Jerry

So there was time to explain.

Don't waste extra precious seconds with your pettiness, Jerry! Summer, let's rundown--

Summer

"One-way blind hop, reset beacon, Booger AIDs".

Cool. [waits for a moment] Wow.

Jerry

[angrily] THERE WAS SO MUCH TIME TO EXPLAIN!

Yes! Fine! Hindsight is 20-20! Who has ever taken this long to vanish?

Jerry

How did I end up not in my own universe?! [thinks] Oh my God, the Jerryboree!

Ohhhhhhhh, the Jerryboree.

Deep cut. [all three vanish]

Wait, but where's our real dad and our real Morty?

Summer

Buried in the backyard.

That's what the possums are after...

[sighs after an awkward silence] Yes, Morty?

You promise I'm not, you know... bait? T-To make that Rick come back?

What? M-Morty, for you to be bait, the guy'd have to value something. He truly does not give a shit. He's the... real deal.

Do you understand time dilation?! I'm losing a month a second out here!

Summer

There's an alien army out here shooting people! What am I doing?!

It's a small group of alien terrorists. Just do a Die Hard.

Summer

What does that mean?!

Sneak around, use air vents! You've never seen Die Hard.

Summer

I'm seventeen! No, I've never seen fucking Die Hard!

Well, neither did the guy in Die Hard, so good luck!

I'm not gonna risk dying, because if I die in the game, you go braindead. You're welcome.

Better to die in Roy than to serve in hell!

Seriously, you two?! What the hell did you do in my holodeck?! Holy shit, you... you did a full "San Junipero" in here?! Oh my God, Beth, there's masturbating and then there's masturbating!

You'd know, old man.

Eww, Dad, stop! I'm sorry!

[groans] Look, this isn't my business, and by all means, enjoy being sapphic horse girls together, but you suck at doing it secretly! We all know!

Including Jerry?!

Summer

No, Dad's so in the dark that he's enjoying a video game about being in an affair right now.

If you guys are doing this, you got to tell him!

Okay, little man, back off.

Take it easy. They're right.

Right about what? That we have to be twice as considerate and twice as repressed because [towards Rick] some dick split us in two? This is the shit I left! [pulling Beth towards her] This isn't. This is me. This is the me that doesn't tell you all to fuck off. So allow me: fuck off. She'll tell her husband what she wants when she feels like it. And you can deal with it or you can deal with me, but you should know I have all the Predator weapons.

Works for me.

Summer

Fair enough.

That's cool.

[leading them away] I guess it's time for ice cream.

[scans himself with his probability meter] Okay. I'm just as likely to shit a balloon as I am to become a dolphin.

Jerry

Those are things that could happen?

Jerry, everything is as likely as anything else.

Ugh! I can't even pretend to feel useful in a game! This is how humanity's story ends?! Relieved of duty and sat at the kids' table?!

I gotta respect these dinosaurs. They dominated a whole species just by calling its bluff about wanting more free time.

They didn't even dominate us, because we're not worth a fight to them. We've become biological Tyler Perry movies.

All they've done is help.

We didn't need their help! We were not the problem! This house recycles! [notices a Velociraptor sorting their rubbish outside and shouts at it] THEY SORT IT AT THE TRASH FACILITY! [the raptor shakes its head disapprovingly at her]

Summer

[on her phone] What the "F"?! My dance videos are getting, like, zero likes now!

Oh yeah, the dinos kicked pedophiles off TikTok.

Summer

Great, so now I'm broke?!

You don't need money anymore.

Summer

So what's this for now? Phone calls?! Ugh! [throws her phone against the wall]

[to Rick] Oh, come on, Dad, you don't hate this too?

Why would I? I-I was already doing what I wanted. I do think it's kinda funny that you're all basically Jerry now.

Jerry, how do you do it?

Summer

Yeah, Dad, how do you do it?

How do you do it, Dad?

Jerry

Huh?

How do you do it?!

Jerry

[amazed] It's finally happened!

Ah! I saw my bones!

Doctor Manhattan high-road assholes, teleporting ME?!

Why-- Why wasn't that painful?

They didn't even do it right! My-- My-- My fly is down!

Your fly was already down.

What are you doing with that? Rick, it was a better--

Nothing from them is better! That thing had uptight Zen snob germs all over it!

Guess what? Dinosaurs are not secretly evil, and they're not out to cause anybody trouble. But it turns out trouble has a way of following them. [releases a small robot from an envelope]

Oh, yes, yes, yes! It's showtime! [projects images of craters from the other planets]

Literally every planet with dinosaurs on it is eventually smashed by a huge space rock that takes out them and most existing life.

What? That can't be true.

It's all right to be frustrated. Let me explain. Why would planet-killing meteors follow dinosaurs? As these reptiles evolved to higher and higher levels of loving vegan godhood, another lifeform devolved into an equally selfless, hate-filled species of barely sentient rocks. They hurtle through space and do as much damage as they can to their chosen enemy, which is guess who? Yup, everywhere these dinos go, these rocks, they come a-crashing, and this one... [the meteor is shown, speeding through space and babbling angrily] is headed directly towards us!

And all of our work? It was for--

Nothing! Bingo! Welcome to life. It's a big boat with a lot of holes, but we're all in it together.