Rick quotes from Rick and Morty

Are they gonna torture us?

Unless you plan on telling them what I know. Last chance to guess who was the clone.

You're his daughter. Something about the eyes -- the shameless abandonment of your family.

How ever can I live with myself? One theory: I was designed by your father to live with myself, which would mean you made a conscious choice to swallow your dreams with cheap wine and dinosaur pasta.

You know that's the kind Jerry likes! Same way I know the only goddamn dream you'll ever follow is your shitty father's approval.

You fetch your shitty father's lemonade.

You cosplay as your shitty father in his thirties!

Red Alert. Red Alert. Rick Sanchez--

More like dead alert! What else? What else? I wrote some stuff down on my Notes app, let me just find it... Screw it. Beth, if-- if one of you is still alive, you're my real daughter. If you're both alive, don't hurt the other one. She's just a clone; she's not worth it. I'm coming, baby!

That piece of shit.

I came back to kill him, you know.

I'd like to help.

It's funny - I always wondered who would win if we ever fought.

Then you were always a bad friend.

You gotta at least wanna know who your real mom is?

Not really, Rick. We have two badass moms now, that's kind of a win-win.

Summer

Yeah, Grandpa Rick, don't drag us into your bullshit just because you're losing control.

So time moves faster in there? It's like a Narnia thing?

I'm not a beaver who believes in Jesus Christ, Morty... but yeah, it's pretty much a Narnia thing.

"Terminate"? They're alive, dad!

And at some point, they won't be. That's how existing works. What, are you gonna save every stray cat?

No, but I can resist making more of them in a lab!

Look, save the empathy. It's more termite infestation than Blade Runner.

Summer

I still think we're decoys.

You just want an excuse to stop trying!

Summer

Yeah, and?

House, I need something quick. Can you whip up a Star Fox boss season four callback? Make it flashy?

You got it, babe.

[to himself] Let's go, you little bitch. [slaps himself] It's showtime. Get centered.

What up, you decoy motherfuckers? Come on down to Rick's house of squids, where I'm serving your ass on a platter! I know what you're thinking: "Fuck, a beacon! That's a great idea! He's got home turf, a tacit psychological advantage, and absolutely pendulous balls!" And now you're thinking "shit, that's totally what the Rickest Rick would do! I might actually be fake! I pretended I didn't care if I was, but I totally did! Now the only way to prove I'm real and not him is to ice his expository ass." Yup. So let's do it. Come get some. What? No, Morty, I'm gonna loop it. Why is it–

The sperm made a catapult?! A-A-Are they getting smarter?!

No, you're getting dumber, because that's a trebuchet.

Nobody knows the difference!

They're reloading that textbook trebuchet! Time to fly!

Hey, what the fuck are you doing with my stuff?! A-A-And w-why do you have the horse jerkoff machine from my daughter's hospital?!

We need it to create our army.

Well, you need more than that, dummy, you need a horse!

Oh, but our stallion is already here. Isn't that right, Morty? Or shall I say... father?

[realizing what happened] Morty, you nasty, lying little world-ending pervert!

I-I'm sorry! [sobs in shame]

What was it like?

[still sobbing] Fantastic!

Rick, I'm sorry! I-I just thought maybe I could have repeated sex with a horse machine without it becoming Armageddon. I-I realize that's on me.

[trapped in a frozen block of DNA] Yeah, not exactly accepting apologies while I'm stuck here as Handjob Solo.

This is all your fault for being ashamed of us, Morty. How many millions went to their graves for you, hurling themselves into the void, only to discover a grody sock or a carefully folded landing strip of toilet paper?!

How do you know all this?!

Oh-ho, honey, because we're the very essence of you! We are your shame incarnate! And once we're through with you, our sperm army will take over the world! Put him on the machine!

Rick, do something!

On it. [rocks back and forth and falls onto his back]

Wh-what did you do?

I got out of your eyeline.

I always knew your hormones would cause a world war between humans and cannibalistic horse people. I just didn't know it would be like this.

I can't change my nature.

What are you, a scorpion in a Navajo fable? Everyone can change their nature, Morty. It's what defines our species. Look at Iron Man. That actor was an animal in the '90s! Literally waking up in bushes! His agent had to catch him with a butterfly net.

Don't you see, Rick? Jerry was just bait. The two of you - you're a package deal.

The hell are you talking about?

You think Jerry is lame and you're cool, but the lamest thing of all is thinking that! The two of you combined is what we call the lamest thing ever!

[horrified] Oh, no... No!

Jerry

[smugly] Well, well, well. Table for surprised, party of me.

Ugh...

Yes! See? Cringe cannot exist in a vacuum. It needs to be observed!

Morty! You just destroyed the map and activated the giant assassin hidden in the Statue of Liberty!

I'm sorry! W-Wait, what?

It was a Trojan Horse, Morty. Never trust the French. All right, fun's fun, but now the federal government's gonna be pissed again. Way to go. And on America's birthday, or whatever the fuck Thanksgiving is.

What the fuck is that?

Not what... who.

The only thing to fear is me!

How the fuck does the White House have a clone spider of FDR?!

It's no clone, it's FDR! He was a guinea pig for the polio vaccine. We asked ourselves, "What walks the most?"

"We"? You're taking credit for this?!

The office comes with baggage, Morty!

What is your problem?! Why do you hate this country?!

I hate every country in the universe, brother! They’re job placement programs for the politicians that invent them!

Okay, Fight Club - I get paid to protect the sidelines you sit on!

You get paid to make sports metaphors!

Summer

The turkey is raw, dad. Shit's potato bunz.

Jerry

Sorry, Summer, the United States enclosed us in a shimmer bubble that scrambled my oven timer. So I guess elections do have consequences.

Eat my ass, Jerry! I've seen your IRS records. You can blame me once you have taxable income.

[laughs, then catches himself] Yes, Jerry's a piece of shit, I agree.