Rick quotes from Rick and Morty

All right, welcome back!

You obnoxious little TWAT!

Yeah, but you're alive. No David Foster Wallace-ing in my galaxy. You don't get to be so smart that you remove yourself from everybody. From one god being to another, you're welcome.

Well, as long as we're doing each other favours... [activates a machine that fires a beam]

Hey, w-wait, wait, what are you doing? [the beam seals the dimensional rift] YOU FIXED MY RIFT?! YOU FUCKING HYPOCRITICAL COCKS! I-IT WAS ALL CANONICAL AND SHIT, WE COULD'VE MILKED THAT THING FOR A WHOLE SEASON! O-O-OR, LIKE, A THREE-EPISODE ARC, AT LEAST!

Sorry, that's just us. We love helping, god beings to god being.

Not so fast, Sanchez. It is I, Cookie Magneto!

What the fuck? I'm... I'm not engaging this guy. [starts walking away]

That's hardly up to you, Rick.

I'm sorry, do you control things that people agree are cookies?

Yes.

Okay, but cookies aren't a substance. They're more of a name w-we give to--

To the things I control.

Do you control cookie ingredients? Because, y'know, t-that sounds dangerous. Y'know, everything has sugar in it.

Fight me and find--

JESUS, RICK!

I'm sorry, Morty, I know you're gonna say it's punching down, but I can't fight another one of these 90s-style goofball supervillains! I'm not the fucking Tick! I-I-I'm exhausted.

Okay! But i-if you really have a lot of these guys gunning for you, maybe you should look into what you're doing to...?

Oh, don't start that crap, Morty! I don't do anything for these dipshits to seek me out.

[teleports in] I am Mr. Calypso! Face me, you ugly, drunk, ugly piece of shit!

Okay, I might look into it.

Jerry

Rick, why is there a man shooting piss on our front lawn?

I'm sure he'll tell you.

I am Pissmaster! Here to flush the toilet that is Rick Sanchez!

Jerry

He's spraying my lavender bush! My bees need that lavender!

Remember five seconds ago when you guys were stoked about me changing, because it made you feel superior?

[peering through window] Ooh, whole family's here! Who's that redhead? Wouldn't mind spraying her with a golden shower!

Summer

Oh, my God, what?!

Hey!

Jerry

Okay, that's it! [stands up]

Jerry, please think about this. If you fight this guy, I'm either an asshole for not helping, or an asshole for helping.

Jerry

My daughter just got spoken of in porno terms, and I'll respond how I choose! [marches outside]

Wait! Morty, you have to promise not to tell anyone, but your dad made Pissmaster kill himself.

Oh, man, what?!

Yeah, I mean, I found him dead and I-I put on his suit, but look at this - he literally blames your dad. [gives Morty Pissmaster's note]

Holy shit... Wait, you kept the suicide note?! That's so messed up!

I know, I mean, I had to tell someone, Morty. I couldn't just sit on that--

And you expect me to?! [runs into the house]

Morty, no! What are you doing?!

Jerry

What the hell?! He KILLED HIMSELF?!

Jesus, Dad, you should've told us! Especially if Jerry murdered him!

Jerry

Wait, don't say that! I-I didn't murder!

Hey, I-I thought it was pretty cool that I withheld that information.

But you didn't withhold it! You're walking around with the note!

Summer

Yeah, Grandpa, you gotta, like, keep it in your heart as a great sacrifice. That's the cool move.

Jerry

I mean, how am I the bad guy? He sprayed piss on us! Y-You all cheered me on!

Don't drag us into this.

Summer

A man is dead, Dad.

Again, wasn't gonna say it, but I told you this would happen.

Oh, get off your high horse.

Dr. Wong would be so proud!

Summer

BOO!

Go ahead and boo! I was breathing piss, you think I care?

Jerry

Is this what it's like to trend? [sobbing] This is a nightmare! I should've just let him pee on my daughter...!

Summer

Eww! What the hell, Dad?!

Alright. Your derivative drill ship is now faster than a lightsaber. Morty, you want front or back?

Who says the two of us are going? Y-Y-You didn't even want to...

Oh, for fuck's sake. Bye! Good luck. Don't blow up my planet.

You act like you're the one that got stabbed in the back!

Because I am the one, Morty! You wanna know why I replaced myself in the beginning of that stupid "Knights of the Sun" thing? I said "Don't take the fucking sword," and you were like "whatever" like I'm our neighbor Gene or David Arquette or something. You called me boring. I've become dog shit to you. That's what happens when you let people in and they stop respecting you. They touch your shit, they screw things up, they kill your fuckin' family. Go ahead. Trust him (The President). You're gonna learn the same fuckin' thing.

I... am not going to kill your family, Morty.

That means a lot.

Wow, are those all the places Rick Prime could be?

I wish, Morty. It's all the places he is.

Aw, Geez!

Welcome to my darkness. I've spent my life hunting this guy, Morty! This is the closest I've ever been to catching Rick Prime. It's impossible! He-He's an incredibly crafty piece of shit. Hunting him destroyed me, Morty! But now we're gonna do it together! You and me!

Oh! Uh...

It's gonna take over your life, Morty! Rick and Morty, Season 7, hunting my nemesis! Maybe trying to stay healthy while doing it! Juggling plates! Not every episode, Morty! It could be all happening in the background! Who knows?! You know, n-no one will, except us! I-It's the most painful shit I've ever had to deal with and I'm fucking bringing you into it, because you asked for it, Morty! You and me, Morty!

Jerry, thank you for bringing me into the "rake situation". I've done all I can. I'm out.

Jerry

No surprise there. All that brain and you just waste it...

Ho-ho-hold up! [He pushes himself out from under the ship.] I waste my brain?!

Jerry

Yeah, Rick! Obviously, you were born smarter than me, but if I had your brain...?

"If you had my--" I am so sick of this "born smart" shit!

Jerry

Are you gonna kill me...?

I was born crying and pissing myself just like you! Then I became the smartest man in the universe, and do I get credit? No, I get to check my brain privilege!

Jerry

So we're swapping bodies?

No, that would be Freaky Friday, which is the ceiling of your grasp of consciousness. The brain is part of the body, Jerry; it's hardware. I'm gonna put my mind in your brain and your mind in my brain. Then we'll see the real definition of "waste", Jerry. Or, you know, admit genius isn't random and your failures are your own.

Jerry

[chuckles] Not doing that.

Thought as much.

Jerry

Rick, the guy's already kissing your ass.

It's the ass-kissers you have to keep in line. When they sense weakness, they move on you.

Jerry

What, are we Walter White?! Who cares if a mid-tier crime dork "moves on us"? Thank you for the crystals. Morty, get in the car.

Actually, Morty, why don't you leave those crystals here? Since it's such an insulting amount...

There it is! Now he's thinking "Oh, maybe I can kill God!"

Jerry

Yeah, because God doesn't haggle for ten thousand fucking croutons!

Oh, my god! Am I really about to die because you botched up Freaky Friday?!

Yes.

I want you to know, when this is over, the guy in this body is gonna yell at Jerry and call him useless, really lay into him... but he won't always mean it.

Jerry

Well, cards on the table, the guy in this body might call Rick an angry old asshole, but he's the closest thing Jerry has to a friend.

In 1961, the CIA secretly relocated the Loch Ness Monster to Lake Eerie and replaced her bones with titanium. She was then bit by several werewolves, giving us the ultimate anti-submarine weapon.

Got it.

But the Soviets smuggled in a leprechaun who turned Nessie's bones to silver, giving her the were-version of AIDS. She sank to the bottom and we assumed she was dead, but she was only asleep. Now she's awake, and hungry!

You can't date my shrink.

What? Bro! You're nuts!

Then don't date my shrink.

I'm not dating your shrink! She probably doesn't even like me...

Stand down, Sanchez!

Tell him to stand down! Would you let him bang your therapist?

I don't believe in therapy!

W- What the hell does that even mean?! You don't "believe in it"?

He's a Scientologist.

Don't date my shrink! And don't be a space Mormon!

Why not?!

It's silly! Sorry. It's a cheap shot. Worship how you want. I like Tom Cruise...?

Thank you.

Therapy is working...

Keep it in your pants.

I need Unity's help, so you need to convince her I'm worth it.

You aren't.

So lie.

I called you multiple times! You ghosted me!

Rick, is that true?

She dumped me. Why would I answer her calls?

All right, I'm going to commit a cardinal sin in couples' therapy here, but Rick? I think you're wrong.

Bringing you was a mistake.

You had an outer space lady who was worried for your life, and your response was hostile enough to cause a huge problem.

Thank you.

Now you're asking her to both forgive you and solve it? Unity, I think the reason Rick brought me here is that he doesn't know how to indicate to you he's changed, because he's changing very slowly. But he is.

You did it, didn't you? You couldn't change everyone's taste buds, but you could make it... distasteful. It wasn't the death, was it?

It was the complexity of life.

God, what was the point?

If you're asking whether this was a story about right and wrong, the answer is... "I don't care."

So what do we do?

Cells consume, Morty. Life itself is wrong, and that means death is right. But you can't side with that, so you live, even when it means eating. And Fred here really did it well.

Another adventure where I went up an ass!

Oh, good, are we having this fight again? L-Let me guess: You're gonna leave, or-- or throw a sulking fit?

You think you know everything, Rick, but you're-- you're basically just a giant eight-year-old!

I'm not doing this anymore! Either you're in or you're out, Morty! I-I'm tired of you weaponizing this half-assed threat! You want out, then fucking quit!

You know what? You're right. Sorry to be such a high-maintenance Morty. W-Why don't I get you a drink?

[burp] O-Oh! Oh, hey, Morty...

Hey, Rick. You drunk yet?

You're my little buddy, [burp] you know that? I-It's-- It's you and me, Morty. Uh, Rick-- Rick and Morty, one hundred years, forever!

Yeah, pal. Rick and Morty. A hundred years. Forever.

Ge-Get off me! What are you-- What are you doing?!