Tommy[After Colleen tells him that she's a born again Christian] So what's the deal with these born again people?
Well, it means that I accept Jesus---
Tommy
Yeah, yeah, I know all that. I'm talking about when it comes to [whispers] sex.
Tommy
When it comes to y'know [whispers] sex.
Oh, um, no sex until marriage.
Tommy
Really? [Colleen nods] Cool I'm in.
But wait don't you wanna know about--
Tommy
No, I'm good. One other thing, who's your mom datin'?
Tommy
I'm pretty sure there's something in the Bible where Jesus says you should honor your father and your mother, and I think Jesus wants you to tell me who your mom is seein'.
Dad, when you want information you ask first then you offer the bribe. That's how it works, you did it the wrong way around this time.
Tommy
Duh. I was trying to be nice.
And oh, by the way, you're gonna have to gimme another hundred to keep me from tellin' Mom about you gettin' Katy sick.
Tommy
Dream on. I'm not givin' you another dime.
Then I'm callin' her right now.
Tommy
Go ahead. See if I care.
[Colleen walks away, Tommy hears her dialing on the phone]
Tommy
Ugh! Alright. And you call yourself a Christian. [hands her the money] Unbelievable.
Tommy
I thought the hot new thing at school was blow jobs?
Blow jobs were so last year, c'mon Dad, catch up.
Tommy
Uh, nothin', it's, uh, a hair cut...thing.
You know, she looks like my mom.
Tommy
What did you say?
That lady, she, she reminds me of my mom.
Tommy
Shit.
JJerry
Your mom is that hot?
Oh yeah, oh yeah. I mean, hotter.
Really? Your mom has that kind of face? Those lips? That kind of rack?
Yeah, well, my mom's rack is a little bigger actually.
Tommy
Where do you come off mentioning your mom and the word 'rack' in the same sentence?
I'm just saying, my mom she's, she's got like a large set of... of uh, you know, she's really...
Tommy
Enough! Jesus Christ!
Tommy
Goddamnit... I was, I was gonna go over and talk to that chick! Let me correctify that. She's not a chick. In a room full of self-involved, young titless little chicks, she's a woman, okay? A real woman. Probably a very witty and wonderful woman...
Tommy
The rack was secondary, okay? It doesn't matter now. But the point being, I can't go over there and talk to her now.
Tommy
Because even if I went over to talk to her and got her to come home with me somehow, and got her to reveal the afore-mentioned great rack, all I would be thinking about is your mom's rack, and how great your mom's rack is. Not that I ever thought of your mom's rack before, but that's all I can think of now! Your mom's rack!
Hey, woah. You know what, my mom's married pal, okay?
[Jerry laughs, and Tommy leaves]
Forbidden fruit, ball face.
So, Sean John, you gonna see your new girlfriend tonight?
Uh... yeah, maybe, I don't know.
Tommy
Yeah? Maybe? I don't know? Pick one.
Yeah, yeah, she's doin' good. She's really good.
Nah, nah, nah, nah. I mean, is she good?
Uh... that's really, you know, really I'm not so comfortable discussin' that.
Tommy
Since when?
Yeah, I mean we talk about this shit all the time. It's pretty much all we talk about. Does she like it from the back? Hair pulled? Ass smacked?
You know what that's a little-- I'm tryin' to be respectful, I respect her-- She's respectable. C'mon, y'know. [pause, all silent]
Tommy
So, what you're sayin' is that you're pretty much all about... respect now?
Yeah, yeah. Y'know, tryin'. [Sean is really uncomfortable and leaves]
Jesus, Tom, this is even more fun then you said it would be.
Tommy
Told you.
TMrs Turbody
Listen, I'm gonna need you to go again once I'm done with this cigarette.
Tommy
Really?
TMrs Turbody
Oh, yeah. If you're gonna fill in for your nephew you better raise your game. Damian can go 3, 4 times in an hour. Can you keep up the pace or not?
Tommy
Well, I--I might need a sandwich...Mrs Turbody.
Tommy
Hey, Garrity. Humpin' around last night?
[coughs] What? Humpin' around...uh, no. I was uh, only hump the one--I just--I just uh, make love to the girlfriend.
Tommy
So you're like a one woman guy now?
Yeah, pretty much. Pretty much.
Tommy
So when are we gonna meet the girlfriend?
Meet her? The girlfriend? Uh...she's, uh, soon. I don't know, she works a lot.
Tommy
Uh-huh.
Yeah, yeah. So y'know. Hey, that was some brew-ha-ha the other night, wasn't it? I mean not ha-ha funny just sorta...actually it wasn't funny at all... it was sickening, kinda.
Tommy
Yeah that's how we settle things in my family, y'know, we're Irish.
Yeah, well, hey, please, tell me about it. Garrity.
Tommy
No, I mean like we're real Irish. Not your generation fake, faggotity Irish. Y'know, what I mean? I know you guys are like 'my feelings' and y'know talk it out. We don't talk it out. We find out who's responsible, then we find the person and we beat the living shit outta them. My grandfather's best friend growin' up, he was friends with this guy for like 40 years and I guess the guy was flirtin' with my grandmother one day--- long story short my grandfather rearranged the guy's face and he can barely talk now.
Wow. Well, wha--what did the guy say to your grandma?
Tommy
Uh, good morning. [Tommy throws down his cigarette and makes Sean step on it] Don't tell anyone about that.
Hey, we all make mistakes, right?
Tommy
What?
You say somethin'? [Tommy leaves] I'm a dead man.
[about Sean] He's not my boyfriend.
Tommy
Well, he thinks he is.
Listen, Tom, he's a sweet kid, dumb as a box of rocks and not the regular ones, the dumb ones. He's not bad in the sack and that's about all there is to it.
Tommy
So, you're not serious about him?
Listen Tommy, including Garrity I got about 4 guys in line right now, no five. I just started this thing with the new super in my building. He's a cute Mexican guy, his name is Nacho. Y'know, like the snack.
Tommy
Yeah, that's cute. He's in love with you, you know.
Tommy
Not Nacho. Garrity.
Tell me somethin' I don't know. They're all in love with me, Tom. It's like moths to a flame.
Tommy
[on the phone] Lemme ask you somethin'. When did it start? Was it after Connor died, and I asked you personally, as my brother to look after my own kids and my wife. Is that when it started, huh? Was it like a month, a coupla months, huh? Last week? When did it start?
It was your Junior Prom when you brought Janet home in that dress so Mom and Dad could take pictures of her. She looked amazing in that dress, Tommy.
You know what, Tom, this is just you -- being you, y'know, overprotective and thinkin' I'm good enough for your sister.
Tommy
That is not the issue believe me.
Tommy
Of course you're good enough for her.
Tommy
Yeah. And so are the four other guys, the underwear and the sock guys.
Oh, very funny. [they get into a shoving match]
Tommy
My sister.
She's my girlfriend! [Sean starts walking away]
Tommy
And well, one other thing, asshole.
Tommy
Don't tell her I mentioned this stuff to you, alright? Please? Sean?
[as Tommy is going to a sperm bank] How do they remove it from you?
Tommy
The sperm? You know what, I think they go in right above the knee with-- with a little tube and suck the cum right outta your leg. I don't-- what do you think?
No, I mean, do they hook you up to some device or...
Tommy
Yeah, they have a penis pump. No! I jerk off into--into a cup or y'know a plastic ice cube tray or something, I don't know.
...
Look, I just have a little tiny question for you.
Tommy
What?
When you're at the sperm bank and you're jerkin' off into a cup, could you, uh, think of me?
Tommy
Why?
Because if we then decide to use the sperm at a later date to have a child, it would be sorta like we were actually...connected at the moment that it all started.
AAlicia
You know, the first man that a little girl falls in love with is her daddy.
Tommy
Yeah.
AAlicia
So then when she gets older and she gets married chances are that she's gonna pick somebody, just like her old man.
Tommy
I'm aware of this theory, and it's a buncha bullshit.
AAlicia
Oh, so you don't have anything in common with your wife's father?
Tommy
No, nothing.
Tommy
No, he was in real estate first of all. He was a suit and tie guy he spend his whole life behind a desk and real estate was all he thought about. He got up every mornin' and thought about how to rip people off. He was a selfish, self-centered, greedy, lying, cheating... midget. He was like 5'2. I'm way taller than him, and not funny at all which is one of the things my wife said that she found attractive about me when she met me was that I was funny and her father was not funny.
Oh, now I'm an asshole. Why am I an asshole?
Tommy
You're an asshole because you told Maggie everything that I told you about Fred.
Okay, I'm a pussy if I don't say anything to Maggie and now I'm an asshole for openin' my big mouth. You're impossible to please.
Tommy
You wanna please me? Keep your hands outta my sister's pants. [Sean tries to go after him, but since they're in the truck, he's seatbelted in and can't reach Tommy]
She's the best thing that ever happened to me, and you ruined it.
Tommy
Look, I told you to talk to her, okay? You decided to break up with her. You live with that decision.
Yeah, well, you know what? Try this one out. I don't wanna be friends anymore.
Tommy
Yeah? And?
I don't want you to call me. It's over. We're breaking up.
Tommy
You're--you're break--?
Tommy
Hey! You guys listening to this? Garrity's breaking up with me!
Yeah, it's over. I don't wanna hear from you, no dinner, no hangin' out, nothin'.
Tommy
He's breaking up with me. Unbelieveable. Oh my God. Your whole generation. Gay.
You happy? I never thought you of all people would sabotage the least dysfunctional relationship of my entire life.
Tommy
I wasn't tryin' to sabotage. You're the one who's going out with like six different guys.
No, five and I liked Sean the best. He happens to be very nice and he does everything I say, he's perfect.
Tommy
Then why are you cheatin' on him?
A zebra can't change its stripes overnight.
Tommy
[about Mrs. Turbody] I think she might have given me the Big C.
Cancer's the Big C. Chlamydia ... little c.
Tommy
Oh, well, you know what I'm sayin' so, what do you think?
I dunno. We're talking about piss filled bladders, we're talking about illicit underage sex scandals--
Tommy
Which I put an end to by the way.
---with teachers and students and uncles and nephews, we're talking about fire-breathing cocks, I mean, to be honest with you, all of a sudden, I don't know why, but y'know, I feel a little bit better about my life.
Tommy
Well, I'm glad I could help you feel better.
Well, I don't know what to tell you, I mean you're the only man in the tri-state area who shares a case of chlamydia with three teenage boys ... non clergy, of course.
Rescue Me · 279 quotes
