ColleenWhat, the cookies?
No. Below the cookies, peeking out of your pants, and it better not be a tattoo because if it is a tattoo, you're not gonna see the light of day ever again.
Colleen
It's not like it's huge.
Move the cookies. [she moves them] Oh my, god. What the hell?
Colleen
It's a shamrock.
I can see it's a shamrock.
Colleen
You're always saying that we should be proud of being Irish.
You wanna be proud you're Irish? Wave a flag, march in a parade, have 100 kids ... not yet. Oh my god.
Colleen
It's not that big of a deal, Mom has a tattoo on her butt.
Colleen
She showed me.
She showed you? Jesus Christ. [groans] I'll tell ya' what, you're gonna get rid of that yourself, or I'm gonna get rid of it for you.
Colleen
How?
I'm sure Black & Decker has some kind of attachment.
Colleen
It's my body. You can't tell me what to do with it.
Oh, really? Let me just remind you of a couple things, okay? When you turn 18 years old, you can move out of this house and you can get a flower tattooed on your ass, and a rainbow tattooed on your tits, but until then as long as you live under my roof, you play by my rules. No tattoos.
Colleen
I didn't get it while I was living under your roof, I got it while I was living under Mom's.
[After Colleen tells him that she's a born again Christian] So what's the deal with these born again people?
Colleen
Well, it means that I accept Jesus---
Yeah, yeah, I know all that. I'm talking about when it comes to [whispers] sex.
Colleen
What?
When it comes to y'know [whispers] sex.
Colleen
Oh, um, no sex until marriage.
Really? [Colleen nods] Cool I'm in.
Colleen
But wait don't you wanna know about--
No, I'm good. One other thing, who's your mom datin'?
Colleen
I can't tell you.
I'm pretty sure there's something in the Bible where Jesus says you should honor your father and your mother, and I think Jesus wants you to tell me who your mom is seein'.
Colleen
Dad, when you want information you ask first then you offer the bribe. That's how it works, you did it the wrong way around this time.
Duh. I was trying to be nice.
Colleen
And oh, by the way, you're gonna have to gimme another hundred to keep me from tellin' Mom about you gettin' Katy sick.
Dream on. I'm not givin' you another dime.
Colleen
Then I'm callin' her right now.
[Colleen walks away, Tommy hears her dialing on the phone]
Ugh! Alright. And you call yourself a Christian. [hands her the money] Unbelievable.
I thought the hot new thing at school was blow jobs?
Colleen
Blow jobs were so last year, c'mon Dad, catch up.
Uh, nothin', it's, uh, a hair cut...thing.
I told your mother I was bringing you home, let's go.
Colleen
No, I can't live with your shit anymore. There's no screaming or fighting or drinking here-- Okay, there's a little bit of drinking, but-- but I never wake up to find my father passed out on the couch. You don't own me anymore, I'm legal and I'm staying here with someone who loves me and treats me with respect. Eat shit and die, Dad. Go to hell.
Colleen
[about Wyatt] He kept me up all night last night, and I couldn't find a babysitter so I had to miss Tony's gig.
Yeah, well, welcome to babyland. This is what it's like. You're finally learning, you're not ready, okay?
Colleen
My own kid will be completely different.
Colleen
'Cause I will actually be in love with my own baby.
Oh, right, right. Love. I forgot, you're an expert on love.
Colleen
Like you know. Like you're an expert on that.
I do know. I am an expert on love. I know enough to tell you this, you the two of yous, what's his name?
Colleen
Tony.
Tony, okay? You think you're in love but one of these days, the two of 'ya, are gonna wake up and one of 'ya's, maybe both of 'ya's at the same time are gonna look at the other and say, 'you know what, I'm outta here.' You know, you're 18 years old, he's your first boyfriend.
Colleen
Okay, well, you met mom in high school and she was 16.
Okay, you know what? We... we didn't start having sex until, you know, later.
Colleen
She was pregnant with me before she even graduated.
Right. We fell in love, and then we had sex, that's-- that's how it happened. It was real love. It wasn't this, y'know, Fake Babyhead, lead singer, rock and roll love. What? Listen to me, I know what I'm talkin' about. I wasn't the lead singer in a band, okay? I had a real job.
Colleen
What did you wanna talk to me about?
Uh, I just wanted to say that, your mother and I... we're very proud of you, and we think Shawn's great.
Colleen
He is.
Yes, and the being black thing, doesn't bother us at all. I mean, I think we've raised you kids with that color, creed, religion, you know... none of that stuff, you know, doesn't matter to us. And... you know, love, it's a big thing... it's... you know, it-- it, it just happens. And I think it's kinda important to... you know... What?
Colleen
What's the problem?
There's no problem, honey, I just wanna... okay... If you were gonna buy a car, you'd test drive it, that's what I'm tryin' to say.
Colleen
Oh, my God.
No, no, listen. If you were gonna test drive a car, you'd take it out and you'd drive it around, and you'd maybe take it on the highway...
[walks up]: Hey, Col, how are 'ya? You're gonna buy a car so I hear? Y'know my friend, Mark, is gettin' rid of this old--
Y'know, she's all set, she's got a car. That's nice though. Thanks. [Sean walks off, Tommy continues his thought before Sean interrupted] Listen, I just think you know, it's important that the parts... fit.
Colleen
What parts?
You know the parts, and don't make me say the parts, you--
Colleen
His penis in my vagina.
[overhearing]: You guys aren't talkin' about cars, are you? [Tommy makes a face, and Sean walks off]
Colleen
Are you actually tellin' me to have sex with Shawn?
No... kinda... yeah. I'm just sayin' that I don't think it's such a bad idea for you to do it, okay? You don't have to do the whole thing... just y'know, do the Clinton thing, you don't have to go all the way--
Colleen
Oh, my God!
Honey, what? I thought that would be easier.
Colleen
Dad! Dad, are you tellin' me to-- Oh, my God.
I'm not tellin' you anything, what? What? It's a suggestion, I'm suggesting some stuff to help you with your--
Colleen
I'm telling mom.
Rescue Me · 279 quotes
