Lou Shea quotes from Rescue Me

Lou

[to Chief Reilly, who has had his face scratched in his sleep by his wife who has Alzheimer's] Next time you try banging the cat, put little booties over its paws so it can't scratch. That's what I do.

Lou

[during a timeout, to the basketball team] 'Kay, guys let's huddle up. Yeah, I got nothin' to say, 'cause you guys are playing like the goddamn Celtics out there, it's just amazing. I mean, the Larry Bird, 1980's championship Celtics, okay? I mean, I got no notes, you know. So, what I think we should do, just to make things look better, I'm gonna draw a giant vagina on this little board here. While I'm doing that, you guys all make it look like I'm drawin' some sort of stratgy, okay? Instead of the giant kind of, vagina that I'm drawing, y'know, which really is the point of all this. I mean, really the reason why you play sports is to meet girls. So, what I want you to is, look at this giant black and white vagina that I'm drawing here, and then I want you to go out and I want you to score another 55 points, so we can all get laid and we can all make more money.

Lou

Baseball and life, one and the same. Everybody says that life is too short. Bullshit. Life, unless you get cancer, hit by a bus, or set on fire,+ takes forever. Just like Baseball. Its a series of long, mind bogglingly boring stretches of time where absolutely nothing happens. So, You take a nap. Then, after a little while, when that crisp crack of the bat hitting the ball, so crisp you can almost smell the wood burning. Jolts you awake and you open your eyes to see something so exciting and intricate. Possibly very, very meaningful has just happened. But you missed it because you were just so god damn bored in the first place. Oh you know, couple of hot dogs, throw in some beers, the occasional blow job and that's that.

Sean

Well, maybe he just thought they were gay because they were well-groomed, and uh, into fashion. You know what I mean?

No.

Sean

Well, maybe they weren't homosexuals. Maybe they were metrosexuals.

Lou

What?

Tommy

My daughter used that term last week.

Franco

The teenager?

Tommy

The eight-year-old.

What in the sweet chocolate christ is a metrosexual?

Mike

It means that you aren't gay but you like to do certain things that might be considered gay. [they all stare at him, looking totally clueless and in shock] Right?

Sean

No, asshole. He doesn't know what the hell he's talkin' about. Look, a metrosexual is like a straight guy who happens to you know, also like to go shoppin' and-- and get facials and stuff.

Tommy

Holy shit.

Shoppin' for food?

Mike

Nice food.

Sean

Yeah, and wine, and... clothes. Yeah, I'm not explaining it right. Franco you know what a metrosexual is, right?

Franco

Uh, that would be a huge goddamn 'no'.

Sean

It's not like a gay thing...

Mike

It's gay and it's not gay. It's like straight, regular guys who get like facelifts and bikini waxes.

Enough. Enough.

Mike

Male bikini waxes.

Enough! Nobody in this firehouse goes out and goes shoppin' anymore unless it's for underwear or for boots or for a pair of goddamn gloves. And nobody, and I mean nobody, goes and gets a facial unless that means putting water on your face to clean up after catchin' a job. And the word metrosexual from this point on is banned from this quarters. (walks out)

Lou

What the hell's a male bikini wax?

Sean

That's when they take the hair off of your scrotom.

Franco

Ow.

Lou

[in a pained voice] Why?

Mike

Chicks dig it.

Franco

Chicks dig us shaving our balls?

Sean

I like hockey, I could never play though. I've got weak ankles.

Franco

Yeah, that's not the only thing that you got that's weak.

Sean

What does that mean?

Franco

Nothing.

Sean

No, what does that mean?

Franco

It was a joke, Sean.

Sean

Well, what're you sayin' then, like I got weak knees?

Franco

No.

Sean

Arms? What?

Franco

I was talking about your mind. I was saying that you've got a weak mind.

Sean

You know what, Franco, do I piss all over you all of the time? I don't think so. I don't understand why you gotta be such a prick to me.

Lou

Hey, girls, do I have to separate you?

Sean

He said that I had a weak mind, Lou.

Lou

Yeah, like he's pulling that outta thin air.

You don't need to lie to me, either. What are you doing?

Lou

Okay... You want the truth?

Yeah.

Lou

I've been writing poetry.

What?

Lou

Poetry. Since... just after 9/11. It's kind of been, I don't know, my therapy, I guess. I don't know.

Writing poetry?

Lou

Yeah.

Oh my God, why couldn't it have been the porn?

Lou

Wait a minute, you passed on a three way? Was she hot?

Mike

Way hot.

Lou

What're you nuts?

Mike

Lou, I would have to had sex in front of another guy.

Lou

So block him out.

Mike

But what if I get hit with friendly fire?

Lou

Well, make sure you're done first and then get the hell out of the way. Jesus, it's true what they say: Three-ways, like youth, are wasted on the young.

Franco

Holy shit.

Sean

Wow.

Lou

Powerful.

Tommy

Yeah, powerfully bad. It sucks.

Lou

I don't know, it's not that bad. It rhymes.

Tommy

Well, so what? My ten-year-old can make stuff rhyme, it doesn't mean he's the next, uh... [to Franco] Name a poet.

Sean

Angie Dickinson.

Tommy

Angie Dickinson from Police Woman?

Franco

Nah, I think you mean Emily Dickinson.

Tommy

By the way, in the future, when you have something you wrote and you want me to read it, just bring it to me. I'll sit down, I'll read it, I'll digest it and I'll give you the most honest assessment that I can.

Lou

You'd do that?

Tommy

For you?

Lou

Yeah.

Tommy

No.

Franco

You don't do that, Sean. You don't bang a guy's girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, wife, ex-wife, or his sister without his permission. And I mean crystal-goddamn-clear permission.

Sean

You haven't even spoken to her, in like, five years.

Franco

Guys?

Tommy

You broke the rules.

Lou

Big time.

Sean

Wh--? Ho-- How? Explain to me how. [Lou interrupts him] Let me finish my -- [Lou interrupts him again] Can I at least-- [Lou interrupts him]

Tommy

Look, you run into a guy's ex-girlfriend in a bar and feel her up.

Lou

Yes.

Tommy

You can be in a bar, meet a guy's ex-wife, and...

Lou

[makes circular gestures on his chest] Titty action.

Tommy

A little bit of titty action. You can even grab guy's sister's ass in a bar that the guy actually happens to be in.

Lou

Yes, you could.

Tommy

And it's all explainable under the giant umbrella of the huge, 'Sorry-I-Was-Drunk' rule.

Lou

Like Visa and Mastercard, accepted the world over and never argued.

Tommy

Never argued. Which was why the rule was created by the way, by the... Romans?

Lou

Ah, even earlier than that, my friend: the Druids.

Sean

Listen, Franco didn't want to have anything to do with her.

Lou

He just doesn't get it.

Tommy

[counting on his fingers]: Look, girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, wife, ex-wife, sister, half-sister: [sweeps his hands] No pussy!

Lou

How many were there?

Tommy

Three. They got me outside the bar.

Lou

Did they do any damage?

Tommy

Come on. They work on Wall Street the worst they can give me is a paper cut.

Tommy

I'll take the high road.

Lou

Huh. You?

Tommy

Okay, maybe not the high road but certainly not the lowest road.

Lou

Which is where you normally travel.

Tommy

Hey, you kiddin' me? I drew up the original maps.

Lou

Two grand for a porch?

Franco

Last one we did, we got what, 600 bucks?

Who is this guy? The king of chumps?

Tommy

Nah, some shrink, you know? I figure we get Charlie Walsh's cousin to give us the lumber for what, 300 bones? And we'll divide the rest up. You in?

Lou

Yeah, for that kind of money, I might show up in a tux.

Tommy

Franco?

Franco

In.

Mike

I'll do it.

Tommy

Let me tell you something kid: First time doing a porch job, you work for free.

Lou

Let me clarify further. Not only do you not get paid, you generally do all the work while we sit around drinking beer and shooting the shit.

Tommy

And you gotta buy the beer.

Franco

Yeah, a couple of those suitcase things. MGD is good.

Mike

Guys, I just remembered... I'm busy.

Tommy

Yeah, you're busy helping us queer-bait.

Lou

Hey, I went with Dwight the other night to the city, we caught a show and afterwards I look into this bar and who do I see? Our very own little probie making out with some broad to beat the band.

Tommy

So...?

Lou

So... this chick is old enough to be his mother.

Franco

Oh god, I just caught a chill.

Tommy

How old?

Lou

I don't know, I didn't have time to cut her in half and count the rings but she's pretty old, I mean for him. I'm guessin' late 40's.

Sean

Wow, really?

Lou

Yeah. [Mike walks up] Hey, speak of the devil. Hey, kid, your ears burning?

Mike

Huh?

Tommy

Hey, are you bangin' some old broad?

Lou

And if you are, a word of caution: A broken hip takes a very long time to heal.

Mike

Hey, she's not that old. She's only 46.

Sean

Well, that's nothin' in dog years.

Franco

Yeah, which probably applies to her.

What're you guys talking about?

Sean

Nothing.

Lou

Eight and a smidgen of what?

Mike

Well, last night I was watchin' TV and there was nothin' on really so I---

Sean

Cut to the chase.

Mike

And I got a hard-on and I was lookin' at it and I was thinkin' about jerkin' off and--

Sean

Would you cut to the chase?

Mike

Well, there was a ruler on the table and I kinda --

Sean

He measured his cock.

You measured your cock?

Lou

And it was eight inches?

Mike

Well, mine was seven and a half... almost. His was eight.

Sean

Well, eight and a titch.