[Talking about a fireman who retired and them came out of the closet, and also claims to know more gay firemen]
Well, maybe he just thought they were gay because they were well-groomed, and uh, into fashion. You know what I mean?
CRChief Reilly, Franco, Lou, and Tommy
No.
Well, maybe they weren't homosexuals. Maybe they were metrosexuals.
My daughter used that term last week.
What in the sweet chocolate christ is a metrosexual?
MikeIt means that you aren't gay but you like to do certain things that might be considered gay. [they all stare at him, looking totally clueless and in shock] Right?
No, asshole. He doesn't know what the hell he's talkin' about. Look, a metrosexual is like a straight guy who happens to you know, also like to go shoppin' and-- and get facials and stuff.
Mike
Nice food.
Yeah, and wine, and... clothes. Yeah, I'm not explaining it right. Franco you know what a metrosexual is, right?
Uh, that would be a huge goddamn 'no'.
It's not like a gay thing...
Mike
It's gay and it's not gay. It's like straight, regular guys who get like facelifts and bikini waxes.
Mike
Male bikini waxes.
Enough! Nobody in this firehouse goes out and goes shoppin' anymore unless it's for underwear or for boots or for a pair of goddamn gloves. And nobody, and I mean nobody, goes and gets a facial unless that means putting water on your face to clean up after catchin' a job. And the word metrosexual from this point on is banned from this quarters. (walks out)
What the hell's a male bikini wax?
That's when they take the hair off of your scrotom.
Mike
Chicks dig it.
Chicks dig us shaving our balls?
Mike
[about Sean] He, uh, got a ball wax.
Yeah. Me and this chick that I've been banging, we were talking about it right. And she said that it makes the sex better for women, right? So, there's nothin' on TV last night, so I get look through the yellow pages and I find a place and I do it.
So, this place, did you find it under "ball" or "wax?"
Wait a minute, you passed on a three way? Was she hot?
Mike
Way hot.
Mike
Lou, I would have to had sex in front of another guy.
Mike
But what if I get hit with friendly fire?
Well, make sure you're done first and then get the hell out of the way. Jesus, it's true what they say: Three-ways, like youth, are wasted on the young.
What're you ladies talking about?
The firefighter calender. I'm doing it again this year.
Yeah, he gets to choose his own month.
Mike
So what month are you going for?
I'd try for February. Work that whole Valentine's Day thing.
Nah, common mistake. Shortest month of the year.
Mike
So, what's a good month?
Well, you definitely don't wanna be December. Nobody pays attention to you until the last 30 days of the year. You wanna be in the first four or five months to maximize booty potential. I'm thinkin' April, May, in there, you know? It's spring. Winter clothes are comin' off. Chicks are thinkin' about gettin' laid.
Mike
Yeah? Interesting.
Yeah, it's a science, and I'm the mad scientist.
Last one we did, we got what, 600 bucks?
Who is this guy? The king of chumps?
Nah, some shrink, you know? I figure we get Charlie Walsh's cousin to give us the lumber for what, 300 bones? And we'll divide the rest up. You in?
Yeah, for that kind of money, I might show up in a tux.
Mike
I'll do it.
Let me tell you something kid: First time doing a porch job, you work for free.
Let me clarify further. Not only do you not get paid, you generally do all the work while we sit around drinking beer and shooting the shit.
And you gotta buy the beer.
Yeah, a couple of those suitcase things. MGD is good.
Mike
Guys, I just remembered... I'm busy.
Yeah, you're busy helping us queer-bait.
Hey, I went with Dwight the other night to the city, we caught a show and afterwards I look into this bar and who do I see? Our very own little probie making out with some broad to beat the band.
So... this chick is old enough to be his mother.
Oh god, I just caught a chill.
I don't know, I didn't have time to cut her in half and count the rings but she's pretty old, I mean for him. I'm guessin' late 40's.
Yeah. [Mike walks up] Hey, speak of the devil. Hey, kid, your ears burning?
Mike
Huh?
Hey, are you bangin' some old broad?
And if you are, a word of caution: A broken hip takes a very long time to heal.
Mike
Hey, she's not that old. She's only 46.
Well, that's nothin' in dog years.
Yeah, which probably applies to her.
What're you guys talking about?
Eight and a smidgen of what?
Mike
Well, last night I was watchin' TV and there was nothin' on really so I---
Mike
And I got a hard-on and I was lookin' at it and I was thinkin' about jerkin' off and--
Would you cut to the chase?
Mike
Well, there was a ruler on the table and I kinda --
Mike
Well, mine was seven and a half... almost. His was eight.
I was readin' FHM yesterday and they said that the average cock is like six inches long.
Mike
Yeah we're huge! [slaps Sean's hand]
CChief
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Before you two ponies start swingin' your johnson's around, answer one question for me. Did you measure from the top or bottom?
Ooh. A little fly in the ointment.
CChief
Did you go from the under carriage, from the ball-sac to the tip?
[Mike and Sean exchange looks]
Well then you might as well have been measuring from the base of your spine because everybody gets at least an inch going the other way. You gotta go from the pubic bone to the tip.
Mike
Ah, no way, that means I'm only like 6 1/2.
Mike
Shit.
I don't know if you're right about that, Chief.
Been there, done this, boys. I got twenty that starts the "biggest dick in the crew" contest. Who wants in?
Mike
You gonna measure yours?
I haven't seen my feet in ten years let alone my dick.
And I think I know what that question is Firefighter Gavin.
That's gonna be a completely different story. I'm gonna double the wager.
[after rescuing Sully, who's dressed in female fetish clothing] All the angels and saints.
Mike
Is that Sully? [Sean checks, sees that it is, and jumps up and away from him instantly]
Blessed screaming Jesus on a whole wheat goddamn cracker.
Okay, I think I'm gonna puke.
SSully
Wait, guys let me explain.
Go ahead, man. We're all ears.
SSully
[laughs] Oh, who am I kiddin', right? I like to dress up like a chick, okay? I like to wear panties and high heels and... rough sex.
Laura, we call each other names all the time it's like, you know, what do you call it?
Mike
Name calling?
No, it's like ball busting but more-- more--
It's part of being on the team, you know, you joke around. You jive, you cut.
I never sit around with my girlfriends and call them a twat. I was on the basketball team in high school. I was on the girl's softball team in college and I never called any of those women a twat. You know why? Because every woman I've ever met finds that word offensive. Not as offensive as the other word but in a race you know, they're like neck and neck.
Yeah, but now you work in a job with men. A highly-populated job by men, so now you gotta cut the men you work with a little slack.
Mike
I thought the word that women hated most was the "C" word.
Yeah. I thought they invented "twat" so no one would ever have to say the other word ever again.
I think men invented both and never bothered to check with women about either.
You see, that's another thing. Puerto Ricans even get shafted when it comes to racial slurs. Chinks have what, like four? We have one-- Spick. That's it. The Irish they got, mick, patty, donkey. The Italians they got guinea, wop, dago.
Yeah, and spaghetti-bender.
Ah, spaghetti-bender went out of style during Sinatra's first marriage.
Mike
Greaseball.
Yeah, greaseball. There you have it; that's four.
Yeah, and the same thing with the Jews, right? Heeb, kike, Jew boy, Benny.
Black people, forget about it. Spear-Chucker, jungle bunny, raisin head, porch monkeys.
Yeah. It's endless, totally unfair. [Don Kleinman just looks at them, totally mortified] What?
[They are outside the Chief's house at his party, looking inside at all the gay guys]
Probie, get in there and get us some booze.
Mike
Why me?
Because you can probably slip under the gaydar.
Mike
Me? What about Sean?
If we were to have the gayest lookin' guy in the crew contest, you win, hands down.
Or pants down as the case may be.
What does that mean? He has better hair than me? Better body? Better what?
You're really not asking me that question right now are ya?
Rescue Me · 279 quotes
