Hey, check it out, look what Shawn found.
Black ShawnAntique lamp, totally untouched by the fire or smoke.
Hand it over, you mugs. [they hand it to him] Alright, three things, okay? This is private property, which means it belongs to someone, which means it has memories and emotions attached to it, it could possibly be a family heirloom. Second, taking private property from the scene of the fire, damaged or not, okay? Is against department regulations.
What's the third thing, Lou?
It looks like it's a reading lamp from a bedside table, which means there's probably another one exactly like it lying around, if you could find that and bring it directly to me, I'd appreciate it. [they all turn to go look for it] Thank you.
You know what, that's gonna go real nice with that headboard that you got out of the furniture warehouse fire last year.
It's the fun side of being a boss.
Black Shawn
Listen, man, real talk, deep down, you hate Tommy Gavin.
Black Shawn
Yeah, because he's taught you everything you know about being a firefighter and the fact that he's had to save your sorry ass on more than one occasion, but deep down, despite the fact that he's an ego-maniacal self-centered son of a bitch, you wanna be just like 'em. Yeah, you wanna be Tommy Gavin. You wanna be exactly what you hate, and that's some sad shit.
Black Shawn
You and Tommy are tight, right?
Well, if you mean, we're close, then yeah. In terms of actual tightness, I can only speak for myself.
Black Shawn
So if Tommy were to find out that one of the guy's on the crew was doin' somethin' behind his back that he might not be--
Oh my God, you're sleeping with Colleen.
Black Shawn
How'd you know?
Black Shawn
So is that bad?
It-- It could only be worse if you were banging Katy. Tell me you're not banging Katy.
Black Shawn
Of course not. I'm not banging either one of them.
Wait a minute, you just said you were sleeping with Colleen.
Black Shawn
I am.
Black Shawn
See, we're sleeping together but we're not like, y'know-- [makes a motion with his hand]
So you're not-- [makes a sex noise]
Black Shawn
No, no, no. And if we ever do, I pray it won't look or sound anything like that.
So, what's the deal? Tommy's gonna kill you anyway, for just seeing her, you might as well get a little piece before you go.
Black Shawn
Those days for me are over.
Black Shawn
Listen, Lou, there's somethin' that you need to know about your man, Shawn, I've tapped plenty of asses in my day, good ass, and usually pretty quick. The quicker I tap it, the quicker I'm out the door. I'm looking for a real relationship here. You know, I want the sex to have value.
Well, your life's on the line, that's valuable.
Black Shawn
Come on, you mean to tell me that you've never had a relationship where you waited to have sex?
Black Shawn
Well, this is on purpose. The next ass I tap, is the ass I marry.
Oh, yeah, that's sweet. I'd like to see that on a sampler. But I would leave Tommy out of it, it's gonna be really hard to tap that ass from beyond the grave.
I'm sorry, you bought a lezbo bar? What are you crazy?
Well, it was a lezbo bar a long time ago.
Well, Mike, the whole reason we're doin' this, the whole reason we're buyin' this bar is because of the pussy vibe.
No, Sean-o's right, it's because of the pussy.
Yeah, and now you stuck us with a place that possibly has the wrong pussy vibe...
Black Shawn
Is there any pussy vibe that's wrong?
And you know what? The Realtor said that years ago this whole building was a gynecologist's office.
Okay, now, I gotta rethink the whole pussy vibe thing. Maybe it was a gynecologist's office longer than it was a lezbo bar. Which then, the good pussy vibe might counteract the bad.
I've waited my whole life for this. We're actually having a discussion about pussy Feng-Shui.
Black Shawn
I'm just waitin' for Tommy, I gotta talk to him.
Oh, about bangin' his daughter?
Black Shawn
What the hell! Who told you? ... Lou!
Black Shawn
That's some bullshit, I cannot believe he told you. It's supposed to be top secret!
Black Shawn
Neills knows?
What are you so surprised about? People hear juicy gossip, they're gonna spread it around. This is a firehouse, you take away the rig, the gear and the testosterone, it's nothing but a goddamn sorority in here.
Black Shawn
Hey, Tommy? Did you tell Colleen to go down on me?
Black Shawn
She said you said somethin' about Bill Clinton. ... I just find that shit, very, very disturbing.
I didn't say anything like that.
Black Shawn
Now, here I am a good brother, tryin' to keep it real, and here you are tellin' her to go down on me, and service me in an oral fashion.
Wh-what? Wh--What? See? This is the reason you can't tell anybody anything any more, it gets blow out of proportion!
Black Shawn
I'm gonna stay strong, and focused, and give her that good lovin' on our weddin' night!
Wh-- Al-alright, but you wouldn't buy a car without test driving it!
Black Shawn
Let's go.
Black Shawn
I'm tired, man...rough couple of days...But hey, you cured Colleen. That shit makes my load a hell of a lot easier, that's for sure. She's so of alcohol, you wave a bottle of mouth-wash in front of her, she starts making puky noises. But only downside...
Black Shawn
She don't forget shit no more. Gotta keep track of that.
Listen, she told me you beat Franco up pretty good, so...
Black Shawn
I was motivated.
Yeah, but I know you were covering my ass. Don't think I don't appreciate that, thanks.
Black Shawn
No, Tommy, look, don't thank me. You know, I feel lousy about the whole incident.
Why? You did what needed to be done.
Black Shawn
Listen, man was not acting right, and yeah, he spoke out of term. But that doesn't excuse me for putting hands on him the way I did. You just don't do family like that, you know...
Black Shawn
No, you don't, Tommy, you don't.
Let me explain something to you, okay? I come from a big Irish family. And I am telling you, when my brothers and I were growing up, if somebody stepped out of line, it was your responsibility to grab the son of a bitch and slap some sense into him, you know what I mean ? Knock him down, maybe kick him while he's down and then stand him back up again. I mean, that's what family is for, you know? That's what being a brother is all about, you know? It's because you love the guy, you know, and that's ... you're taking care of him. You did the right thing.
Black Shawn
That was probably the most truly, wise thing you ever said to me. I mean, it involved beating the shit out of somebody, but...it was wise.
I'm wise in very specific areas, I guess.
Black Shawn
So what do I do now?
You know, you go...you walk up to him and you act friendly and by that behaviour offering an olive branch, you know? And then, you know... let things happen as they will and if it feels organic you apologize.
Black Shawn
Organic?
Black Shawn
Sure as shit wasn't me saying it. What, you grew a va-jay-jay overnight?
Hey, I live with three women, what do you want me to do?
Black Shawn (laughing, turning his fist to Tommy) : Hey man, give me a pound brother. Black Irish.
That's the Obama fist bump, wright? Tell you what, (turning Black Shawn's fist the other way, and doing a fist bump)turn it that way, O'Bama, it's an Irish potato. (Black Shawn laughing) How's that?
Black Shawn
Yeah.
Hey, by the way...another part of Irish family wisdom. I wouldn't turn my back on Franco for at least a couple of days.
Rescue Me · 279 quotes
