[Talking about a fireman who retired and them came out of the closet, and also claims to know more gay firemen]
Well, maybe he just thought they were gay because they were well-groomed, and uh, into fashion. You know what I mean?
CRChief Reilly, Franco, Lou, and Tommy
No.
Well, maybe they weren't homosexuals. Maybe they were metrosexuals.
My daughter used that term last week.
CRChief Reilly
What in the sweet chocolate christ is a metrosexual?
It means that you aren't gay but you like to do certain things that might be considered gay. [they all stare at him, looking totally clueless and in shock] Right?
No, asshole. He doesn't know what the hell he's talkin' about. Look, a metrosexual is like a straight guy who happens to you know, also like to go shoppin' and-- and get facials and stuff.
CRChief Reilly
Shoppin' for food?
Yeah, and wine, and... clothes. Yeah, I'm not explaining it right. Franco you know what a metrosexual is, right?
Uh, that would be a huge goddamn 'no'.
It's not like a gay thing...
It's gay and it's not gay. It's like straight, regular guys who get like facelifts and bikini waxes.
CRChief Reilly
Enough. Enough.
CRChief Reilly
Enough! Nobody in this firehouse goes out and goes shoppin' anymore unless it's for underwear or for boots or for a pair of goddamn gloves. And nobody, and I mean nobody, goes and gets a facial unless that means putting water on your face to clean up after catchin' a job. And the word metrosexual from this point on is banned from this quarters. (walks out)
What the hell's a male bikini wax?
That's when they take the hair off of your scrotom.
Chicks dig us shaving our balls?
CRChief Reilly
I didn't come here the other night looking for a fight. And I didn't come tonight looking for one either. I came to talk to that Teff guy. Well, he started the fight. He threw the first punch. You saw him do that. And I know a couple other guys in there saw it too.
CRChief Reilly
So, uh... I mean it's possible I... I might need a witness and I was hoping you'd, you know, do the right thing.
VVinny
You know, funny thing about gay bashers: they're all tough guys until they get caught.
VVinny
I saw what every other guy in the place saw. You threw the first punch.
[After they bet Sean that he couldn't get to first base and he did with a transvestite, although he doesn't know that she is one]
Well, the thing is uh, we uh... We wanna go double or nothin'.
Wait, wait, wait. What's the bet?
80 bucks says you can't close the deal by the weekend.
What you mean sleep with her?
Full penetration. Before the weekend.
Come on. I thought you had game, big shot.
I do. I got game. I-- I just don't wanna rush it. It's just something about this girl, she's-- she's different.
[Telling the Chief how he found out that the girl he was seeing is a transvestite, he found out when he was getting a blow job]'
CRChief Reilly
Man, you must have freaked out.
Yeah, yeah. It was pretty weird but I didn't want to make a big scene so once he was through I told him---
CRChief Reilly
Wait, hold on a second. After he was through? You mean you let him finish the knob job?
Well, the guy was givin' me a blow-job, Chief. I didn't wanna be rude.
CRChief Reilly
I'm gonna pretend that I didn't hear that.
CRChief Reilly
What're you guys talking about?
Eight and a smidgen of what?
Well, last night I was watchin' TV and there was nothin' on really so I---
And I got a hard-on and I was lookin' at it and I was thinkin' about jerkin' off and--
Would you cut to the chase?
Well, there was a ruler on the table and I kinda --
CRChief Reilly
You measured your cock?
Well, mine was seven and a half... almost. His was eight.
I was readin' FHM yesterday and they said that the average cock is like six inches long.
Yeah we're huge! [slaps Sean's hand]
CChief
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Before you two ponies start swingin' your johnson's around, answer one question for me. Did you measure from the top or bottom?
Ooh. A little fly in the ointment.
CChief
Did you go from the under carriage, from the ball-sac to the tip?
[Mike and Sean exchange looks]
CRChief Reilly
Well then you might as well have been measuring from the base of your spine because everybody gets at least an inch going the other way. You gotta go from the pubic bone to the tip.
Ah, no way, that means I'm only like 6 1/2.
I don't know if you're right about that, Chief.
CRChief Reilly
Been there, done this, boys. I got twenty that starts the "biggest dick in the crew" contest. Who wants in?
CRChief Reilly
I haven't seen my feet in ten years let alone my dick.
CRChief Reilly
And I think I know what that question is Firefighter Gavin.
That's gonna be a completely different story. I'm gonna double the wager.
Well, you know uh, Chief. I really don't think this whole measuring from the top thing is really right, I mean who invented that? I mean you lose and inch, it's not really fair.
CRChief Reilly
From the pubic bone to the tip. 'Cause that's all that enters the vagina. From the pubic bone, out to the tip. Done. [Sean makes a weird face] What?
Nothing. I-- just that I would never hear you say the word "vagina."
[The whole crew is looking at the NYC skyline]
Yeah. It'll never be the same for me.
Even when they put up whatever it is that they're puttin' up.
It's like they're tryin' to erase what happened. You know?
CRChief Reilly
It's insulting. Remember when they had those spotlights right after 9/11? I couldn't take that. I like it like this... empty. Just the way those scumbags left it. No spotlights, no new buildings, just empty.
Yeah. That's the thing about the spotlight, you know. Walk out into it and at first everybody thinks they see a good-lookin' all-American hero. But then you stay out there long enough and you know, they start to notice certain things. Maybe your nose is a little crooked, you know, maybe your teeth are too crooked. Maybe you got a little scar on your upper lip. Your hair's not right. One eye's bigger than the other. Next thing 'ya know they think they're lookin' at some kinda goddamn monster. Like they're lookin' at King Kong. Then they start throwin' shit at 'ya.
Well, I'll tell ya one thing. That morning they threw a couple a jets into a couple a buildings. And they threw at us the biggest job in the history of our profession. And what do we do? We gave up 343 of our guys to save... at least 10,000.
Yeah. And look at us now: Three years later and still waitin' for a goddamn raise. I'll tell 'ya what guys, we were on our own that morning and we're still on our own today.
[Sean is dating a girl who's a really bad kisser]
CRChief Reilly
Now, you're talkin' about bad kissin'. Are you talkin' about too much saliva bad kissin'? Or using your tongue like an iguana eatin' a fly bad kissin'? [Sean and Franco give him a look] Hey, I used to be a player.
That was disturbing, Chief.
CRChief Reilly
You shoulda saw the chick that I did it with.
[About a woman who's reportedly trapped on the third floor, after the newspaper called the FDNY racist] Is she black?
CRChief Reilly
I guess so. Given the neighborhood I guess. Why?
Well, we're racists. Just think how much easier it would be if we only had to save the white people.
[laughs] Or even, you know, models.
[after rescuing Sully, who's dressed in female fetish clothing] All the angels and saints.
Is that Sully? [Sean checks, sees that it is, and jumps up and away from him instantly]
CRChief Reilly
Blessed screaming Jesus on a whole wheat goddamn cracker.
Okay, I think I'm gonna puke.
SSully
Wait, guys let me explain.
Go ahead, man. We're all ears.
SSully
[laughs] Oh, who am I kiddin', right? I like to dress up like a chick, okay? I like to wear panties and high heels and... rough sex.
Rescue Me · 279 quotes
