Lou, I need some ibuprofens you guys got any?
TommyThat's interesting because I have a whole giant bottle of ibuprofens just sitting up in my locker waiting to be taken.
Really? Well, could I have some?
Tommy
Nope, it's for me and my friends.
Okay, can we be friends again, please?
Tommy
Nope. You broke up with me, it's not that easy for me to recover.
Come on, Tom. I'm in pain.
Tommy
Yeah, well, I'm in pain too, okay? Emotional pain.
Tommy
Yep. I was very, very hurt.
Tommy
That's because they're real tits, Franco, that's what real tits look like, okay? Johnny Giant fake boob.
Well, excuse me for being an American, I like to suck on big tits, okay?
Tommy
Now it's a political issue. I'm a terrorist because I like real tits?
We're supposed to go out again tonight, I mean, I wanna make her happy but I gotta figure out a way to fight some guys where I'm not gonna get hurt.
Yeah, just guys, for now. I mean, I'm sure I'll fight some chicks in a coupla weeks but for now, just guys.
What about guys with one leg?
Tommy
Midgets.
Tommy
Ah, too hard to find.
It concerns me and Maggie.
No, quite the opposite. We are gettin' married.
So you'll kill her in like three years.
No, come on, why can't you guys be happy for me? This is such a big deal [goes over and hugs, then kisses Tommy's cheek] we're gonna be bro's!
Tommy
Hey, hey, get off of me.
I'm here because um...y'know, I didn't want you findin' out from somebody else. Janet's pregnant. It wasn't planned, y'know, it just happened. It is what it is and we're happy. Obviously we don't know what the sex of the child is yet, but look on the upside, Tommy, if--if it's a boy, then dad can stop with that whole male heir bullshit thing that he keeps talkin' about. Okay, Tommy?
Tommy
You--You're askin' me if it's okay?
Tommy
[pause and stares at him] Congratulations.
Every morning I'd pass by the construction guys out there on my way to work and there was this one guy-- Chris and I noticed him a couple of times. And one day, when I was passin' by, he sorta like smiled at me.
Okay, I think I'm gonna puke.
Well, it freaked me out too. Every morning he'd gimme this like smile. And one day when I stepped out and he wasn't there--
Did you check the end of your cock? [everyone laughs]
Lou, let him talk. Go ahead, kid.
And he was gone and I sorta liked missed him.
Tommy
Alright, my balls just went up behind my lungs.
I don't know how to describe the way I was feeling. Y'know, he was a nice guy... and-- and, we started talkin' and I guess I was like lonely or something and I moved into his place and it was great at first... then it got weird.
And then it got weird, because I was wonderin' when that was gonna kick in.
And he was into me that way, and that's when the blow jobs started... and it freaked me out at first. Yeah, and I knew it wasn't right for me--- he's gone, I'm not with him. I-I-I left, it's over, and that's the whole story.
Bullshit, Mikey. What about the transfer?
I filled the form out but I never turned it in, did I?
Oh, cut the shit, Mike, you already got your new house all picked out.
Because he's playin' for their softball team.
Yeah, your boyfriend Chris, he told me that you were battin' for the other team. edit »
I don't want him showerin' with us that's for sure. It's nothing personal, Mike. I just don't need you starin' at my hang down like it's an a la carte special at the Chez Homo.
Yeah, and I don't wanna know about your new boyfriends, or your new clothes, or nights out at the disco, or Liza Minnelli, or ass toys. It's off limits from now on.
I'm not gay. I didn't do anything sexual to him. I'm totally into chicks, and I'm seein' this girl over the past coupla weeks--
Y'know, if this is how it's gonna be, if I can't make a little mistake in my personal life then maybe I should transfer.
Tommy
Hey, hey, kid come here. Guys, better or worse, I think we all consider ourselves a family here, correct? Now whether, Mike's a fag. Sorry, Mike. Or not he's, he's part of that family, correct? I think y'know, as a firefighter he's been startin' to pull his own weight. Y'know and maybe he acts a little faggy from time to time. Sorry, Mike. But y'know, in the shit he's been learnin', he's been performin', y'know Johnny Stack would not be alive today if it wasn't for Mikey. Now, as far as it goes in the house, I trust the kid, y'know, I feel like if I'm stuck somewhere on the job, I feel like he's got me, y'know, he's got me-- covered. Come here kid. [they hug] I got no problem with this.
[whispers] Ten bucks says Mikey's hard.
Tommy
I heard that.
Tommy
So, what're you? You a Muslim?
Tommy
So what, you believe that you die and you go to heaven and you get what? Seventy...seven virgins?
TDTaxi Driver
Seventy-two.
Tommy
Seventy-two, right. I mean...what's the point of that? If you think about it...I mean, virgins? When you go to heaven, I mean wouldn't you rather have whores?
TDTaxi Driver
You think that there are whores in heaven? There are no whores in heaven.
Tommy
I mean, I would prefer that if I went to heaven I would get seventy-seven---
TDTaxi Driver
Seventy-two.
Tommy
Okay. Seventy-two...whores. Chicks that know something, chicks that know how to blow 'ya---chicks that know tricks.
TDTaxi Driver
Lemme ask you somethin'--
Tommy
What? What?
TDTaxi Driver
What are you...religion wise.
Tommy
I'm nothing. I'm a lapsed Catholic.
TDTaxi Driver
Well, my friend, you're going to hell, okay?
Tommy
I'd rather go to hell with seventy-seven---
TDTaxi Driver
Seventy-two. Seventy-two!
Tommy
Okay, two-thousand whores! Three thousand whores and Babe Ruth and John Lennon and Elvis Presley, take me to hell. Jesus.
Why didn't you listen to me?
Tommy
When?
Six years ago when I asked you to spend more time with the kids, to spend more time at home, to spend more time with me. All you had to do was to listen to me! All that was required was that you hear the words!
Tommy
I heard the words, okay. I quit drinking, I quit my third job, I was home every Saturday.
No, you were always playing softball every Saturday during the summer. All winter you played hockey, all spring, all fall, and the only reason that you quit drinking was because Lou said to you that the chief said something to him---
Tommy
That wasn't the only reason.
--- not because of me! Not because of the kids! Goddammit, Tommy! [she grabs his coat and shakes him and starts hitting him] All you had to do was listen!
Tommy
[pinning her against the wall] Goddammit, stop! Are you gonna tell me that simply because I didn't listen well enough that you have ruined my life so far beyond what I could ever imagine? And that's why, because I didn't listen hard enough, and that's why, you're sucking my brother's cock?
Goddammit, Tommy, he was there when I needed someone I was scared shitless -- I just buried my only son.
Tommy
So did I.
And what did you need, Tommy?
Tommy
Ah, Goddammit! What did I need--
You know, I needed you! The old you. I needed someone to hold me in my bed at night when I cried. I needed someone to help me after I was done helping the girls wipe away their tears. But, the old you? He was gone. He's buried, with all of your lost brothers and you know what? You can tell all of your lost brothers to go to hell because we're here, and they're not.
Tommy
Tell me that she is not a nun. Tell me that, she was wearing a nun costume like her French maid costume was at the dry cleaners or somethin', right?
[sighs] Okay. Your confusion is expected as was this conversation. What the mind sees is sometimes not which is real but the reality that is brought to it.
Tommy
Really?
I'm brushing up on Buddhism. The Buddhist approach to things. Ask yourself this Tommy: If a tree falls in the forest... [Lou opens up a book. Tommy takes Lou's book and throws it out the window] ...and there's no one there to see it or hear it, would you still be such an asshole? Actually, you might've done me a favor there by discarding one of my possessions. That's part of the path to enlightenment.
Tommy
Okay, my foot is about to take the enlightened path up your ass. Is she a nun or is she not a nun?
Tommy
She's a semi-nun, what does that mean? She's in the Nun National Guard, huh? What, She's the bride of Christ one weekend a month? What the hell's that mean?!
Why don't you sit down and calm yourself and I'll make us some green tea. And we will talk.
Tommy
I'm not sitting with you and doing anything, okay? You have crossed a boundary my friend.
Tommy
I have one boundary Lou. One boundary and one boundary only, and that is no sex with nuns in the place where I live.
She's a nun until the end of the month, okay? She's leaving the order, they know all about it. She's trying to spend a few days, every week, out of the convent trying to adjust.
Tommy
Trying to adjust what, her vagina?
She's living under their roof for a couple more weeks, she has to abide by their rules...This could be really big for me Tommy.
Tommy
Oh, I'm sure--sure it is. A nun, what's bigger than a nun? A saint?
You know, I've got a chance here. She's only been with two guys, one was some clown back in high school and the other was, you know, Jesus.
Tommy
Yeah, Jesus, our lord and savior who died for our sins, that Jesus, right?
Yeah but word on the street is that I was created in his image, you know. There are those people that say, that I too move in mysterious ways.
Tommy
Uh huh. And technically she’s still married to him so that means she’s cheating on the son of God with you!
I got 100 pounds on the guy, and look no holes in my hands. Bring it on Jesus!
Tommy
Okay, you just crossed the second boundary, I--I need to lay down. [clutching his chest] What is that smell? It is either the kitchen or I think you might have actually burned a hole in my soul...oh yeah that is it, uh, oh yeah...right through the middle of the soul.
You know, how would you rather go out? Lying there burnt up like Stack in some hospital bed. They come in and take you, bit by bit. Like you're a goddamn Mr. Potato Head. Or like Jerry? Bangin' away, free as a bird, his cock as hard as a shovel, huh? Mr. Potato Head style or cock like a shovel? Well?
Tommy
I'm thinking. [pauses] Shovel cock.
Tommy
Shovel cock!
RRoseMary
Listen, it's all about sex and laughing, right? We can all die tomorrow, happy is the key. You gotta be happy.
Tommy
Nice speech.
RRoseMary
You know where I first heard that speech?
Tommy
Where?
RRoseMary
From you. After all that they put me through, mom and dad, you know how that made me feel. You gave me that speech, you opened up my eyes, you opened up my ears, Tommy. You made it seem so clear cut. [hugs him] Thank you.
Rescue Me · 279 quotes
