Franco Rivera quotes from Rescue Me

Franco

Oh, shit. Sean Garrity readin' a book. That's the first sign of the apocalypse.

Franco

I don't know if I can believe you or not, Tom. See the Tommy Gavin I used to know was a lyin', cheatin', schemin', brawlin', skirt-chasin' son of a bitch. I looked up to him. You always knew where he stood, but this new Tommy, this, uh, fancy coffee-drinkin', pastry-eatin', kind, sweet, sincere one, uh-uh, Bro, I don't trust him as far as I can throw him.

Franco

We have sex with woman who ain't our wives and we make every detail available to the other guys.

Tommy

Yeah, well, maybe I'm a gentleman.

Yeah, and I'm growing tits.

Tommy

Hey, you should check a mirror, pal.

Sean

Well, maybe he just thought they were gay because they were well-groomed, and uh, into fashion. You know what I mean?

No.

Sean

Well, maybe they weren't homosexuals. Maybe they were metrosexuals.

Lou

What?

Tommy

My daughter used that term last week.

Franco

The teenager?

Tommy

The eight-year-old.

What in the sweet chocolate christ is a metrosexual?

Mike

It means that you aren't gay but you like to do certain things that might be considered gay. [they all stare at him, looking totally clueless and in shock] Right?

Sean

No, asshole. He doesn't know what the hell he's talkin' about. Look, a metrosexual is like a straight guy who happens to you know, also like to go shoppin' and-- and get facials and stuff.

Tommy

Holy shit.

Shoppin' for food?

Mike

Nice food.

Sean

Yeah, and wine, and... clothes. Yeah, I'm not explaining it right. Franco you know what a metrosexual is, right?

Franco

Uh, that would be a huge goddamn 'no'.

Sean

It's not like a gay thing...

Mike

It's gay and it's not gay. It's like straight, regular guys who get like facelifts and bikini waxes.

Enough. Enough.

Mike

Male bikini waxes.

Enough! Nobody in this firehouse goes out and goes shoppin' anymore unless it's for underwear or for boots or for a pair of goddamn gloves. And nobody, and I mean nobody, goes and gets a facial unless that means putting water on your face to clean up after catchin' a job. And the word metrosexual from this point on is banned from this quarters. (walks out)

Lou

What the hell's a male bikini wax?

Sean

That's when they take the hair off of your scrotom.

Franco

Ow.

Lou

[in a pained voice] Why?

Mike

Chicks dig it.

Franco

Chicks dig us shaving our balls?

Mike

[about Sean] He, uh, got a ball wax.

Franco

A ball wax?

Sean

Yeah. Me and this chick that I've been banging, we were talking about it right. And she said that it makes the sex better for women, right? So, there's nothin' on TV last night, so I get look through the yellow pages and I find a place and I do it.

Franco

So, this place, did you find it under "ball" or "wax?"

Sean

I like hockey, I could never play though. I've got weak ankles.

Franco

Yeah, that's not the only thing that you got that's weak.

Sean

What does that mean?

Franco

Nothing.

Sean

No, what does that mean?

Franco

It was a joke, Sean.

Sean

Well, what're you sayin' then, like I got weak knees?

Franco

No.

Sean

Arms? What?

Franco

I was talking about your mind. I was saying that you've got a weak mind.

Sean

You know what, Franco, do I piss all over you all of the time? I don't think so. I don't understand why you gotta be such a prick to me.

Lou

Hey, girls, do I have to separate you?

Sean

He said that I had a weak mind, Lou.

Lou

Yeah, like he's pulling that outta thin air.

Tommy

You remember that blonde that we met at the Bubble Bar last month? You were with me, right?

Franco

Yeah, yeah. The one you banged that night?

Tommy

Actually, I've been banging her ever since, but I don't know her name.

Franco

Damn. How're you pulling that off?

Tommy

Well, it's like a late night booty-call. Not a lot of conversation, you know?

Franco

Yeah, those are the best.

Tommy

Well, I gotta come up with a name soon, man.

Franco

Yeah. You know what? You could do that thing where you introduce her to somebody. You say the other person's name but not hers, and then she has to say "Hi, I'm..." Fill in the blank.

Tommy

Never gonna work.

Franco

Why not?

Tommy

Because I never take this chick out in public.

Franco

Ah, yeah.

Tommy

See?

Franco

Yeah, you got yourself a real goddamn dilemma there.

Tommy

Yeah, broads. It's not enough that you're bangin' 'em like crazy, now you gotta know their names.

Franco

[On the phone, Franco is in a club with two girls by him] So, it's, uh, it's Nancy or Lauren, huh? I don't know, man, she didn't look like a Nancy to me. I'd go with Lauren.

Tommy

I kinda secretly was hoping she was a Nancy.

Franco

Why's that?

Tommy

'Cause Nancy's give better head.

Franco

Oh, you've researched that?

Tommy

Uh, basing it on the two Nancy's that I've known.

Franco

So, uh, you been with a Lauren?

Tommy

Uh, one.

Franco

Oh, yeah? And the head was uh...

Tommy

Look, there's no such thing as bad head, it's just a matter of degrees.

Franco

Yeah, agreed. [to the girls next to him] Uh, girls what're you're names?

Heather.

Brittney.

Franco

[to Tommy] What about Heather and Brittney? Where do those two names fall on the chart?

Tommy

Heather and Brittney I'd say... top 3.

Franco

Oh, yeah. It's my night.

Franco

Holy shit.

Sean

Wow.

Lou

Powerful.

Tommy

Yeah, powerfully bad. It sucks.

Lou

I don't know, it's not that bad. It rhymes.

Tommy

Well, so what? My ten-year-old can make stuff rhyme, it doesn't mean he's the next, uh... [to Franco] Name a poet.

Sean

Angie Dickinson.

Tommy

Angie Dickinson from Police Woman?

Franco

Nah, I think you mean Emily Dickinson.

Franco

You don't do that, Sean. You don't bang a guy's girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, wife, ex-wife, or his sister without his permission. And I mean crystal-goddamn-clear permission.

Sean

You haven't even spoken to her, in like, five years.

Franco

Guys?

Tommy

You broke the rules.

Lou

Big time.

Sean

Wh--? Ho-- How? Explain to me how. [Lou interrupts him] Let me finish my -- [Lou interrupts him again] Can I at least-- [Lou interrupts him]

Tommy

Look, you run into a guy's ex-girlfriend in a bar and feel her up.

Lou

Yes.

Tommy

You can be in a bar, meet a guy's ex-wife, and...

Lou

[makes circular gestures on his chest] Titty action.

Tommy

A little bit of titty action. You can even grab guy's sister's ass in a bar that the guy actually happens to be in.

Lou

Yes, you could.

Tommy

And it's all explainable under the giant umbrella of the huge, 'Sorry-I-Was-Drunk' rule.

Lou

Like Visa and Mastercard, accepted the world over and never argued.

Tommy

Never argued. Which was why the rule was created by the way, by the... Romans?

Lou

Ah, even earlier than that, my friend: the Druids.

Sean

Listen, Franco didn't want to have anything to do with her.

Lou

He just doesn't get it.

Tommy

[counting on his fingers]: Look, girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, wife, ex-wife, sister, half-sister: [sweeps his hands] No pussy!

Tommy

What're you ladies talking about?

Franco

The firefighter calender. I'm doing it again this year.

Sean

Yeah, he gets to choose his own month.

Tommy

Great.

Mike

So what month are you going for?

Sean

I'd try for February. Work that whole Valentine's Day thing.

Franco

Nah, common mistake. Shortest month of the year.

Mike

So, what's a good month?

Franco

Well, you definitely don't wanna be December. Nobody pays attention to you until the last 30 days of the year. You wanna be in the first four or five months to maximize booty potential. I'm thinkin' April, May, in there, you know? It's spring. Winter clothes are comin' off. Chicks are thinkin' about gettin' laid.

Mike

Yeah? Interesting.

Franco

Yeah, it's a science, and I'm the mad scientist.

Lou

Two grand for a porch?

Franco

Last one we did, we got what, 600 bucks?

Who is this guy? The king of chumps?

Tommy

Nah, some shrink, you know? I figure we get Charlie Walsh's cousin to give us the lumber for what, 300 bones? And we'll divide the rest up. You in?

Lou

Yeah, for that kind of money, I might show up in a tux.

Tommy

Franco?

Franco

In.

Mike

I'll do it.

Tommy

Let me tell you something kid: First time doing a porch job, you work for free.

Lou

Let me clarify further. Not only do you not get paid, you generally do all the work while we sit around drinking beer and shooting the shit.

Tommy

And you gotta buy the beer.

Franco

Yeah, a couple of those suitcase things. MGD is good.

Mike

Guys, I just remembered... I'm busy.

Tommy

Yeah, you're busy helping us queer-bait.

Lou

Hey, I went with Dwight the other night to the city, we caught a show and afterwards I look into this bar and who do I see? Our very own little probie making out with some broad to beat the band.

Tommy

So...?

Lou

So... this chick is old enough to be his mother.

Franco

Oh god, I just caught a chill.

Tommy

How old?

Lou

I don't know, I didn't have time to cut her in half and count the rings but she's pretty old, I mean for him. I'm guessin' late 40's.

Sean

Wow, really?

Lou

Yeah. [Mike walks up] Hey, speak of the devil. Hey, kid, your ears burning?

Mike

Huh?

Tommy

Hey, are you bangin' some old broad?

Lou

And if you are, a word of caution: A broken hip takes a very long time to heal.

Mike

Hey, she's not that old. She's only 46.

Sean

Well, that's nothin' in dog years.

Franco

Yeah, which probably applies to her.

Franco

I was readin' FHM yesterday and they said that the average cock is like six inches long.

Mike

Yeah we're huge! [slaps Sean's hand]

Sean

Huge.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Before you two ponies start swingin' your johnson's around, answer one question for me. Did you measure from the top or bottom?

Tommy

Ooh. A little fly in the ointment.

Did you go from the under carriage, from the ball-sac to the tip?

Sean

Yeah. Yeah, we did.

Well then you might as well have been measuring from the base of your spine because everybody gets at least an inch going the other way. You gotta go from the pubic bone to the tip.

Mike

Ah, no way, that means I'm only like 6 1/2.

Almost.

Mike

Shit.

Sean

I don't know if you're right about that, Chief.

Been there, done this, boys. I got twenty that starts the "biggest dick in the crew" contest. Who wants in?

Mike

You gonna measure yours?

I haven't seen my feet in ten years let alone my dick.

Tommy

Chief, I got a question.

And I think I know what that question is Firefighter Gavin.

Tommy

Really?

Girth?

Tommy

Ha. Exactly.

Sean

Wait. What? Girth.

Tommy

Circumference, asshole.

Lou

That's gonna be a completely different story. I'm gonna double the wager.

Laura

I know you guys are talkin' about my tits and my ass. Just in case you are wondering, I'm a 34-C cup, my nipples are slightly larger than average and stand up like top-hats when aroused. My ass is tight as a snare drum but still soft to the touch. Any more questions?

Tommy

Wow. [Laura puts Tommy's sandwich on the table]

Sean

Yeah. Can I get one of those? [points to the sandwich]

Laura

No. [leaves]

Tommy

Did she just say top-hats?

Franco

I believe she did.

Lou

I've always been a big fan of formal wear.