Maggie Gavin-Garrity quotes from Rescue Me

Maggie

I figured you and me we always had a special bond. Backed each other up.

Tommy

I know. I know.

Maggie

I figure the only reason that you like me is because I'm the only person the family hates worse than you.

Tommy

There might be a sliver of truth to that. But you know I love you and Johnny likes you.

Maggie

Oh, don't pump sunshine up my ass Tommy. Johnny is scared shitless of me. Always was.

Michael

I haven't seen you in many, many years. Peggie Sue. I hardly reconized you.

Maggie

You know what? Why do you gotta call me that name? I hate that name. My name's Maggie.

Michael

It's the name your mother and I gave you.

Maggie

I don't care. It's a stupid name. Just because you and mom were a Buddy Holley fan doesn't mean I gotta be stuck with that stupid name for the rest of my life.

Maggie

[about Sean] He's not my boyfriend.

Tommy

Well, he thinks he is.

Maggie

Listen, Tom, he's a sweet kid, dumb as a box of rocks and not the regular ones, the dumb ones. He's not bad in the sack and that's about all there is to it.

Tommy

So, you're not serious about him?

Maggie

Listen Tommy, including Garrity I got about 4 guys in line right now, no five. I just started this thing with the new super in my building. He's a cute Mexican guy, his name is Nacho. Y'know, like the snack.

Tommy

Yeah, that's cute. He's in love with you, you know.

Maggie

Nacho?

Tommy

Not Nacho. Garrity.

Maggie

Tell me somethin' I don't know. They're all in love with me, Tom. It's like moths to a flame.

Maggie

You happy? I never thought you of all people would sabotage the least dysfunctional relationship of my entire life.

Tommy

I wasn't tryin' to sabotage. You're the one who's going out with like six different guys.

Maggie

No, five and I liked Sean the best. He happens to be very nice and he does everything I say, he's perfect.

Tommy

Then why are you cheatin' on him?

Maggie

A zebra can't change its stripes overnight.

Maggie

What's going on with the getting me all excited front?

Sean

Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that. How 'bout we like go back to your apartment and I get you excited in another way, in a way that doesn't involve me getting punched in the kidneys. [a big guy walks by them]

Maggie

Did you hear that? That guy just called me a whore.

Sean

Uh, no I missed that.

Maggie

You just called me a whore didn't you, asshole?

[turns around] Excuse me?

Sean

Oh, it was me, sometimes I just do that I--

You got a problem, asshole?

Sean

God, with you, come on. No, what're you crazy? [looks towards a smaller guy] No this guy--did he?

Maggie

No definitely him, [points to the big guy, then the little guy] not him.

Sean

No, you're wrong. It was this guy. [to the smaller guy] Did you just call my lady friend a whore?

Get away from me.

Sean

Y'know what I think he did. What're you a tough guy? [he sprays Sean with mace, who falls to the ground]

Whose the tough guy now?! [rides off on his bike]

Maggie

Jesus, Sean, this is so embarrassing. You need to grow up. It's like you've never been sprayed in the eyes with mace before.

Sean

Alright, Maggie, what's it gonna take for you to feel loved? What, you wanna get married? You wanna live happily ever aft--

Maggie

Yeah.

Sean

What? What did you just say?

Maggie

You asked me to marry you, I'm sayin' "yes."

Sean

No, I meant when you said that--

Maggie

What, now you don't wanna get married?

Sean

No, I guess--

Maggie

We've only been engaged 15 seconds and you're already getting cold feet.

Sean

I guess we could get married. I mean I love you, and I'm pretty sure that you love me, even though you've never actually said it.

Come on, this game is nuts now.

Franco

Now you know why Puerto Ricans don't play hockey.

Sean

Why's that?

Franco

Well, we'd all be carryin' knives it'd be a blood bath.

Maggie

Not to mention all the hubcaps that would be stolen off of the Zamboni.

Sean

I uh…the thing is-- see my family, they raised me right... I think. I wanted to do this respectfully and so uh…that's why I'm here Mr. Gavin. To ask you most sincerely and most... some other word for um... your daughter, Maggie's hand in marriage.

Michael Gavin

Are you retarded?

Maggie

[whispers] I can't believe Tommy's missing this.

Lou

[whispers] I'm taking notes.

Sean

I mean, I had some reading comprehension problems in school and I had to take the SAT's like 11 times and I still didn't pass---

Michael Gavin

What's the point of asking me for her hand in marriage when you've already asked her for it?

Sean

That's a good point. That's a good point, Dad. Is it too early for me to call you that?

Michael Gavin

I don't know, is it too early for me to call you asshole? [at the table Lou laughs and writes that down for the notes] You do realize that she is a blood-sucking, hell bitch.

Maggie

What?!

Michael Gavin

This is a private conversation.

Maggie

You see these shoes? These are gonna go right up your ass old man.

Michael Gavin

[to Sean] You see how she talks to me? And I'm her father. Imagine what she'll say to you.

Sean

I don't have to imagine.

Michael Gavin

Now, you seem like a pretty nice kid, a little slow but nice. You see that door right over there? Use it and never look back.

Maggie

That's it. You're not invited to the wedding. No invitation for you.

Michael Gavin

Yeah, well what about the wedding after this one? Am I banned from that one too?

Sean

I'm getting the feeling we're not on the same page here about this wedding.

Maggie

No, I'm getting the feeling we're not in the same book.

Sean

Okay, well, I'll do it how ever you want, but what's important to me is that we're standing there taking our vows in the eyes of God, alright?

Maggie

Where in the eyes of God?

Sean

Where do you think, Maggie? In a church, alright? In his house.

Maggie

Can't God come to our house?

Sean

Maggie, please, can't you do this for me and my folks?

Maggie

I'm no good in churches, Sean. They creep me out. All those statues looking down on me, judging, knowing all the dirty, promiscuous, unprotected sex I've had.

Maggie

[in a church] I’m having a nicotine kick, I walk into any holy building and my body chemistry goes completely ape shit.

Sean

Don’t swear in here.

Maggie

Ape shit is not a swear word. It’s a zoological term.

Maggie

Can I smoke in here?

Sean

Maggie!

Maggie

What? He walks around burning incense all day, what’s a little more smoke gonna do, right Sean? Right, Danny? [Maggie lights the cigarette]

Uh-uh, there’s no smoking in here. [he hands her a tray and she puts the cigarette on it]

Maggie

[to Sean] He’s probably gonna smoke that when we leave.

Sean

Okay, could you cut it out, please? Jesus. [to Priest] Ooh, sorry.

The two of you haven’t come here on a dare, have you?

Sean

No, no, seriously father, please…ignore my fiancée she’s having some issues with the church and you know, we’re working them out…in counseling. Uh, yes, marriage, Catholic issue counseling. It’s really very helpful.

I see. And where are you receiving this counseling?

Maggie

Uh, Murphy’s Pub on 48th.

Okay, I think we’re done here. Should, you uh, find a church that’s willing to marry you, I wanna wish you both the best of luck.

Maggie

How dare you walk out on us you sanctimonious tool. You have no idea how important this is to him.

I assisted during an exorcism in a small village outside Nairobi in 1977, or did we meet somewhere else?

Maggie

You just ain't returnin' any of my calls, and that ain't very polite.

Sean

Yeah, well, you're the expert on polite. Wait, no, you're not.

Maggie

I got you a present.

Sean

[looks in the bag] Two avocados?

Maggie

Yeah, well, I was tryin' to come up with a peace offering, so I thought I'd bake you a cake or something only I don't know how to cook or any of that shit, so I thought I'd go to the store and buy you a cake only they're too expensive and I can't go to my bakery because I told the guy that his cannolis tasted like cat piss. So I got the avocados, I think they're ripe.

Sean

Well, I talked to Father Dan, or well tried to. It turns out that we have been banned from getting married anywhere near the Diocese, much less in it.

Maggie

Well, Sean, I'm sorry, I really am. Can you not hear me say it? I'm sorry. Maggie Gavin is saying she's sorry. She must really be in love, huh? She is, Sean, in letters eight miles high.

Sean

You know, Maggie, yesterday after your performance with the priest I went home and I was really upset and I was thinkin' about you and I threw up. And I thought to myself, well maybe I'm not the smartest guy on the planet, but maybe you shouldn't get married to someone who actually makes you throw up, okay? I don't like to puke. It's not gonna work. [hands her the avocados and walks away]

Maggie

Sean. Sean. You're making me cry. You're such an asshole!

Maggie

You're throwing away the porn?

Sean

Okay, look, Maggie, a lotta wives-- they would be thrilled if their husbands were throwing away their porn they would see it as a mature and committed act, and -- and I thnk that you should see this as a real positive thing.

Maggie

You know, that's all fine and good, Sean, only it's my porn.

Sean

Yeah, but you don't need it anymore 'cause 'ya got me.

Maggie

[laughs] Put the box down.

Sean

C'mon, Maggie I just wanna be married for two seconds without--

Maggie

No, now! You see this box? This box is your friend, it might even be your best friend because it is the only thing breathing life into our relationship right now.

Sean

Maggie, we've been married nine months. What are you talkin' about breathin' life into the relationship?

Maggie

Everyone needs breath, everyone needs a spark, Sean!

Sean

Okay, and the spark is watching some girl get double teamed by guys with cocks the size of telephone poles?

Maggie

See, now you understand.

Sean

No, I don't understand. I don't understand, Maggie, and I don't think you understand that I might have a problem with this. You know, that this might make me feel... inferior.

Maggie

Oh, but Sean you have nothing to feel inferior about.

Sean

Really?

Maggie

Well.... except for the fact that your cock isn't as big as a telephone pole. But, that's--

Sean

That's okay, I'm going to work. You go look at your porn.

Maggie

Sean--- Sean, you don't want your cock that big. Your life would be terrible, you would not be able to buy pants.

Mickey

We just want you to know, that everybody is in this room because we love you. And feel like you're slippin' away. And so, you know, if you just take a moment, we've all written down some things and we'd like you to just listen with an open mind... to--

Maggie

Wait, is this like one of those intervention thingys?

Mickey

Yeah.

Maggie

I'll do it.

Tommy

You'll do it?

Maggie

Yeah. I'm tired of this shit. Waking up god knows, with god knows who, havin' done god knows what, feelin' like an atomic bomb went off inside my skull. I'm finished. Box me up and ship me to rehab.

Mickey

Okay!

Sean

I have a stack of notebooks here, I didn't even get to say my piece.

I'm with the kid, I have grievances to air.

Maggie

Oh, blow it out your ass, old man. I am not gonna give you the satisfaction.

Teddy doesn't wanna go to rehab, but he does wanna get better. Mick, you still gonna take him to meetings?

Mickey

Yeah, sure.

Maggie

I mean, shit, we got enough drunks in this room, to start our own meetings.

Tommy

That's not a bad idea.

Mickey

There's no reason we can't.

Tommy

No, right?

Mickey

Sure.

I'm not a drunk. [Maggie laughs]

Tommy

Yeah, okay. We could do it Monday, Wednesday...

Except I'm not a drunk!

This from a guy who drank a bottle of brandy, and drove his car into his laundromat.

Hey, that was three years ago, and it was snowing.

Tommy

Yeah, it was the weather.

Teddy

[as they are making a list of people they've hurt with their drinking] You're shittin' me, right?

Maggie

What?

Teddy

My name's not in your top three?

Maggie

Excuse me. How have I hurt you with my drinkin'? Give me one for instance.

Teddy

I had to leave the firehouse to come get you from that club from downtown. You puked all over the inside of my Cordova.

Maggie

You know, I was 14 years old and that was the first time I ever drank!

Teddy

All the more reason why I should be number one.

Maggie

Am I on your list?

Teddy

For what?

Maggie

Christmas, '86. You grabbed my left tit, Teddy!

Teddy

First of all, it was a slight graze. Second of all, I drank half a bowl of eggnog that night, through a straw! Third of all, most important of all, I would never, ever do such a thing.