Sean Leslie Garrity quotes from Rescue Me

Sean

[sleepwalking, after taking the wrong pill from Tommy]: Hey bro, you need to lose like 75 pounds. Seriously. If I have to carry you out of a fire, it's gonna be slow going.

Sean

Well, maybe he just thought they were gay because they were well-groomed, and uh, into fashion. You know what I mean?

No.

Sean

Well, maybe they weren't homosexuals. Maybe they were metrosexuals.

Lou

What?

Tommy

My daughter used that term last week.

Franco

The teenager?

Tommy

The eight-year-old.

What in the sweet chocolate christ is a metrosexual?

Mike

It means that you aren't gay but you like to do certain things that might be considered gay. [they all stare at him, looking totally clueless and in shock] Right?

Sean

No, asshole. He doesn't know what the hell he's talkin' about. Look, a metrosexual is like a straight guy who happens to you know, also like to go shoppin' and-- and get facials and stuff.

Tommy

Holy shit.

Shoppin' for food?

Mike

Nice food.

Sean

Yeah, and wine, and... clothes. Yeah, I'm not explaining it right. Franco you know what a metrosexual is, right?

Franco

Uh, that would be a huge goddamn 'no'.

Sean

It's not like a gay thing...

Mike

It's gay and it's not gay. It's like straight, regular guys who get like facelifts and bikini waxes.

Enough. Enough.

Mike

Male bikini waxes.

Enough! Nobody in this firehouse goes out and goes shoppin' anymore unless it's for underwear or for boots or for a pair of goddamn gloves. And nobody, and I mean nobody, goes and gets a facial unless that means putting water on your face to clean up after catchin' a job. And the word metrosexual from this point on is banned from this quarters. (walks out)

Lou

What the hell's a male bikini wax?

Sean

That's when they take the hair off of your scrotom.

Franco

Ow.

Lou

[in a pained voice] Why?

Mike

Chicks dig it.

Franco

Chicks dig us shaving our balls?

Mike

[about Sean] He, uh, got a ball wax.

Franco

A ball wax?

Sean

Yeah. Me and this chick that I've been banging, we were talking about it right. And she said that it makes the sex better for women, right? So, there's nothin' on TV last night, so I get look through the yellow pages and I find a place and I do it.

Franco

So, this place, did you find it under "ball" or "wax?"

Sean

I like hockey, I could never play though. I've got weak ankles.

Franco

Yeah, that's not the only thing that you got that's weak.

Sean

What does that mean?

Franco

Nothing.

Sean

No, what does that mean?

Franco

It was a joke, Sean.

Sean

Well, what're you sayin' then, like I got weak knees?

Franco

No.

Sean

Arms? What?

Franco

I was talking about your mind. I was saying that you've got a weak mind.

Sean

You know what, Franco, do I piss all over you all of the time? I don't think so. I don't understand why you gotta be such a prick to me.

Lou

Hey, girls, do I have to separate you?

Sean

He said that I had a weak mind, Lou.

Lou

Yeah, like he's pulling that outta thin air.

Franco

Holy shit.

Sean

Wow.

Lou

Powerful.

Tommy

Yeah, powerfully bad. It sucks.

Lou

I don't know, it's not that bad. It rhymes.

Tommy

Well, so what? My ten-year-old can make stuff rhyme, it doesn't mean he's the next, uh... [to Franco] Name a poet.

Sean

Angie Dickinson.

Tommy

Angie Dickinson from Police Woman?

Franco

Nah, I think you mean Emily Dickinson.

Franco

You don't do that, Sean. You don't bang a guy's girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, wife, ex-wife, or his sister without his permission. And I mean crystal-goddamn-clear permission.

Sean

You haven't even spoken to her, in like, five years.

Franco

Guys?

Tommy

You broke the rules.

Lou

Big time.

Sean

Wh--? Ho-- How? Explain to me how. [Lou interrupts him] Let me finish my -- [Lou interrupts him again] Can I at least-- [Lou interrupts him]

Tommy

Look, you run into a guy's ex-girlfriend in a bar and feel her up.

Lou

Yes.

Tommy

You can be in a bar, meet a guy's ex-wife, and...

Lou

[makes circular gestures on his chest] Titty action.

Tommy

A little bit of titty action. You can even grab guy's sister's ass in a bar that the guy actually happens to be in.

Lou

Yes, you could.

Tommy

And it's all explainable under the giant umbrella of the huge, 'Sorry-I-Was-Drunk' rule.

Lou

Like Visa and Mastercard, accepted the world over and never argued.

Tommy

Never argued. Which was why the rule was created by the way, by the... Romans?

Lou

Ah, even earlier than that, my friend: the Druids.

Sean

Listen, Franco didn't want to have anything to do with her.

Lou

He just doesn't get it.

Tommy

[counting on his fingers]: Look, girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, wife, ex-wife, sister, half-sister: [sweeps his hands] No pussy!

Tommy

Well, the thing is uh, we uh... We wanna go double or nothin'.

Oh, god.

Sean

Wait, wait, wait. What's the bet?

Tommy

80 bucks says you can't close the deal by the weekend.

Sean

What you mean sleep with her?

Tommy

Full penetration. Before the weekend.

Sean

Yeah, I don't know.

Tommy

Come on. I thought you had game, big shot.

Sean

I do. I got game. I-- I just don't wanna rush it. It's just something about this girl, she's-- she's different.

No shit.

Oh, God.

Sean

Yeah. It was somethin' that she was doin' with her mouth. I don't know what it was but it was all...wet. [Chief looks like he's gonna puke] What's wrong? Are you okay? [Chief walks towards the bathroom]

Tommy

He had a bad sandwich this afternoon.

Man, you must have freaked out.

Sean

Yeah, yeah. It was pretty weird but I didn't want to make a big scene so once he was through I told him---

Wait, hold on a second. After he was through? You mean you let him finish the knob job?

Sean

Well, the guy was givin' me a blow-job, Chief. I didn't wanna be rude.

I'm gonna pretend that I didn't hear that.

Tommy

What're you ladies talking about?

Franco

The firefighter calender. I'm doing it again this year.

Sean

Yeah, he gets to choose his own month.

Tommy

Great.

Mike

So what month are you going for?

Sean

I'd try for February. Work that whole Valentine's Day thing.

Franco

Nah, common mistake. Shortest month of the year.

Mike

So, what's a good month?

Franco

Well, you definitely don't wanna be December. Nobody pays attention to you until the last 30 days of the year. You wanna be in the first four or five months to maximize booty potential. I'm thinkin' April, May, in there, you know? It's spring. Winter clothes are comin' off. Chicks are thinkin' about gettin' laid.

Mike

Yeah? Interesting.

Franco

Yeah, it's a science, and I'm the mad scientist.

Lou

Hey, I went with Dwight the other night to the city, we caught a show and afterwards I look into this bar and who do I see? Our very own little probie making out with some broad to beat the band.

Tommy

So...?

Lou

So... this chick is old enough to be his mother.

Franco

Oh god, I just caught a chill.

Tommy

How old?

Lou

I don't know, I didn't have time to cut her in half and count the rings but she's pretty old, I mean for him. I'm guessin' late 40's.

Sean

Wow, really?

Lou

Yeah. [Mike walks up] Hey, speak of the devil. Hey, kid, your ears burning?

Mike

Huh?

Tommy

Hey, are you bangin' some old broad?

Lou

And if you are, a word of caution: A broken hip takes a very long time to heal.

Mike

Hey, she's not that old. She's only 46.

Sean

Well, that's nothin' in dog years.

Franco

Yeah, which probably applies to her.

What're you guys talking about?

Sean

Nothing.

Lou

Eight and a smidgen of what?

Mike

Well, last night I was watchin' TV and there was nothin' on really so I---

Sean

Cut to the chase.

Mike

And I got a hard-on and I was lookin' at it and I was thinkin' about jerkin' off and--

Sean

Would you cut to the chase?

Mike

Well, there was a ruler on the table and I kinda --

Sean

He measured his cock.

You measured your cock?

Lou

And it was eight inches?

Mike

Well, mine was seven and a half... almost. His was eight.

Sean

Well, eight and a titch.

Franco

I was readin' FHM yesterday and they said that the average cock is like six inches long.

Mike

Yeah we're huge! [slaps Sean's hand]

Sean

Huge.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Before you two ponies start swingin' your johnson's around, answer one question for me. Did you measure from the top or bottom?

Tommy

Ooh. A little fly in the ointment.

Did you go from the under carriage, from the ball-sac to the tip?

Sean

Yeah. Yeah, we did.

Well then you might as well have been measuring from the base of your spine because everybody gets at least an inch going the other way. You gotta go from the pubic bone to the tip.

Mike

Ah, no way, that means I'm only like 6 1/2.

Almost.

Mike

Shit.

Sean

I don't know if you're right about that, Chief.

Been there, done this, boys. I got twenty that starts the "biggest dick in the crew" contest. Who wants in?

Mike

You gonna measure yours?

I haven't seen my feet in ten years let alone my dick.

Tommy

Chief, I got a question.

And I think I know what that question is Firefighter Gavin.

Tommy

Really?

Girth?

Tommy

Ha. Exactly.

Sean

Wait. What? Girth.

Tommy

Circumference, asshole.

Lou

That's gonna be a completely different story. I'm gonna double the wager.

Sean

Well, you know uh, Chief. I really don't think this whole measuring from the top thing is really right, I mean who invented that? I mean you lose and inch, it's not really fair.

From the pubic bone to the tip. 'Cause that's all that enters the vagina. From the pubic bone, out to the tip. Done. [Sean makes a weird face] What?

Sean

Nothing. I-- just that I would never hear you say the word "vagina."

Vagina.

Sean

Stop.

Va-gina.

Sean

Come on, Chief. Stop.

Look, guys I wanted to get you together because we have a situation that's arisin...arosen. It's pretty important.

Sean

It's arisen.

Shut up. [to Lou] Is he right?

Lou

Amazingly, yes. How?

Sean

I've been bangin' this chick who plays alotta Scrabble. Hey, did you know that Q-A-T is a word?

Shut up.

Sean

I swear.

I said shut up.

Sean

Alright.