BensonWe get it! (to Mordecai) It's a good thing you're here. I'm gonna need you to help Rigby change the lightbulbs.
Oh, I can do that myself.
Benson
[sarcastically] Ha ha. Yeah, sure you can.
Yeah, I can! I help all the time!
[Everyone including Catra and Scorpia laughs at Rigby]
CCatra
It sounds even stupider the second time! Seriously? Tung Lashor? Pfft! Who came up with that?
SScorpia
[chuckles] Right? It's like, what, did you lose a bet?
Yeah, bro, without Mordecai, you'd be totally useless.
Wha- Come on, Mordecai, tell him how useful I am!
Uhh...yeah, I mean, you're fun.
What? No, tell him I'm useful!
Why aren't you saying the word useful?!
Well, I mean there was the time with the chairs, the limousine, the pretzel. You're basically the opposite of useful pretty much anytime we do anything.
But we did those things together!
Yeah, I mean, you were there.
So the whole time I've been covering for you and CJ?
Well, I mean, it's the least you could do.
The least...I could.....I quit.
I quit! I can get a paycheck anywhere!
[Everyone laughs at Rigby again]
Dude, you can't get a job without me. It's my references that got you this job in the first place.
Reference this! I'm gonna go out and get a job, and I'm gonna make money at that job. and that money's gonna come in the form of a check! And that check's gonna be in an envelope, and the envelope's gonna be sealed, and I'm gonna rub that sealed envelope all up in your face, Mordecai! PEACE!
[Rigby makes a raspberry noise from the park all the way to the Local Temp Agency]
Rigby, staff meeting! Did you go in a pizza pouch bender again last night? Come on!
Last night? [gasps] Thomas!
Benson
Guys, it finally happened. I met the perfect girl. Her name is Natalie, and she's a preschool teacher. I'll be showing her around the park today. So your only duties are to leave us alone. Just leave me and Natalie alone, people.
[Rigby raises his hand]
Benson
No, you can't use the bathroom, Rigby.
That's not what I was gonna sa—
[interrupts Rigby] You know, Rigby has a point. What about Audrey?
Benson
We broke up. Remember?
[Everyone can't remember]
Benson
I was sad for months? I loafed around the house? [scoffs] Muscle Man and Pops, you took me to get ice cream. Skips, you made me train for that marathon. In fact, all you guys had a role in my lengthy healing process.
I don't remember any of this.
Benson
[yells] SECOND ORDER OF BUSINESS! [calmly] Today is Thomas' last day. Now keep this under wraps, guys, 'cause I want to surprise him. At the end of the day, I'm offering Thomas a full-time job!
[Everyone cheers except Rigby]
Oh, yeah, I can't wait to see look on his face when he sees how I prank the new hires!
You know, we don't normally hire interns. But Thomas is really killing it lately. Killing it in the Park!
Benson
What're you guys doing here? And what room is this? What's all this stuff?
We don't know, but we're pretty sure Thomas has something to do with it. There was a guy in the cupboard, and pretty sure he did that too!
I think we stumbled on something really big.
Benson
What guy? What are you talking a—?
[Natalie enters the room, clapping slowly]
NNatalie
[Russian accent] I know you Americans love the ironic slow clap.
Benson
Natalie? What's with the accent? What is all this?
NNatalie
I am not Natalie! I am... (takes her clothes off) Natalia! And I am not lowly preschool teacher! I am Russian spy!
NNatalia
So clever, you Americans — only took two years to figure out things at park were not what they seem. And I am not only one right under your ignorant noses. One of your own has been conspiring against you.
Benson
What?! Who would do that?! Natalie, you're acting crazy!
NNatalia
Oh, sweet Benson. Why don't you let him tell you yourself? Nikolai!
[Thomas enters the room; Benson, Mordecai and Rigby gasp]
Benson
Thomas, why'd you step out when she called for "Nikolai"?
NNikolai
[Russian accent] Because my name is not Thomas. It is Nikolai. And I am Russian spy.
[The guys react in shock in finding out that Thomas/Nikolai is actually a Russian spy; End of Part 1, beginning Part 2]
NNikolai
[clearing throat] Yeah, I am Russian spy.
Oh, snap! Now we're all boned! And guess who didn't believe me? You, and you, and you, and-! [Natalia punches him in the arm, silencing him]
[Benson in his office writing on a paper, then his phone rings and he answers it]
Benson
Hello, this is Benson.
VVoice
Will you accept a collect call from... [Mordecai and Rigby are panicking on the phone for help]
Benson
[sighs] Accept.
Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh, Oh, my gosh! We're in trouble, man. Benson, we're in Australia!
Benson
Haha, very funny, guys. Listen up, I missed you at work yesterday. If you don't come in Monday, don't bother coming in at all. [hangs up]
If we don't come in to work on Monday, we're fired.
Dude, come on. We need to get to an airport.
Benson
This is either a miracle or I've gone insane. But who cares? I look good!
SSuit
[spoke] "You sure do, Benson."
Benson
Thanks. Wha?! Who said that?
SSuit
"It's me, Benson, the suit."
Benson
You... can talk?
SSuit
"I can do many things."
Benson
Why didn't you say anything before now?
SSuit
"I wanted to be certain that you were worthy. Incompetence aside, you showed me that you cared about me when you tried to clean that stain. I was created for a dark purpose, Benson. To be a status symbol for evil men—evil, mysterious, powerful, handsome, wealthy men. But after these last few days, I've realised that I would rather be worn by someone with absolutely none of those qualities. I want to live a simple life as the suit of a simple man. You are that man, Benson."
Benson
Cool.
SSuit
"I'll never leave you, Benson. Also, if you're interested, I have a few ideas for keeping Mordecai and Rigby in line."
Benson
Let's go manage a park.
Hey, Benson, what's with the fancy spread?
Benson
Mr. Maellard said he needed to give an announcement this morning. You know, you all could learn a thing or two about boss appreciation… [Mr. Maellard's limo suddenly crashes through the sweets; sighs and facepalms as Mr. Maellard gets out of his limo] Mr. Maellard! How nice of you to visit us today.
No time for bollocking Benson. Take a seat. As you all aware: Park attendance has been declining for years. With no visitors, I'm basically just paying you boys to babysit Pops at this point.
And they're doing a bang up job.
With that in mind, I've decided to shut down the park.
[The guys all start complaining]
No visitors?! Well, what about, uh, that guy? [points to Huge Head and everyone looks at him]
HHHuge Head
Wait, not yet!
One ugly guy, plotting revenge on my son for the last four years isn't enough to keep the park open. You guys all had a good run, but I'm afraid you're all fired. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go rig a yacht race.
Benson
(whistling, sighs) How many times do I have to tell them? Close the garage door when you're finished painting it! (shuts the garage door) What the...? Didn't I just close that? (opens the garage door, then closes it then growls)
Benson
Pops, no!
(Pops' car crashes into the garage door)
Benson
MORDECAI & RIGBY!!!
(groans) Optical illusion.
FFireman
Don't worry, sir! Thanks to the jaws of life, you'll never get trapped in an enclosed space again.
MRMordecai and Rigby
Whoa!
FFireman
It came with the truck.
Benson
What were you two thinking?!
Yeah, we were going to paint over it after our break!
Benson
Well, how's this for a joke? Buy a new garage door by the end of the day or you're fired!
Benson
(Laughing calmly then turned angrily)
MRMordecai and Rigby
(Laughing)
Benson
This sandwich cost me $85!
But you said we could order any sandwich we wanted!
Benson
I did. I said that. Now listen to ME as I say this. If you two don't eat this entire sandwich by the end of the day, YOU'RE FIRED!!
[interrupting] Muscle Dad is right! Finding the right person is hard. You know, for a while, I've been telling myself there's no such thing as soul mates, but now I'm not so sure. Look at Muscle Man and Starla. [pans to the couple as they look at each other] It's like they were designed for each other. [cuts to Mordecai with the wedding crowd in front of him] So where's my soul mate? Are they in this room? It could be anyone. [points towards Quips and Monica] Maybe it's you. [points at an old lady] Maybe it's that really old lady, I don't know!
Benson
[whispers angrily] Why are you talking?!
Oh, uh, right. My point is, I...
[stammers] I don't know if there's one perfect person out there for me, but I know that for a long time, I've been ignoring my gut. [cut to CJ, who’s look of shock turns into a glare] Because I didn't wanna hurt anyone, but instead of saving their feelings, it's just made everyone around me miserable. For the first time, I'm gonna take Rigby's advice. [walks over to CJ] CJ, I need to tell you--
[stands up in an embarrassed manner] Mordecai, just stop! I already know what you're gonna say, so save it.
(tears welling) You don't know who your soul mate is?
(sighs) Here. (She hands him the charm bracelet from "Real Date") You didn't even point in my direction.
[angry] Yo, Mordo, if you're finished hijacking my wedding, is it okay if we get married now?
[angry] The sooner we finish this, the sooner we can start up these fryers!
Oh, uh, sorry. (runs off)
Benson
Rigby, did you clean out the gutters yet?
No way. That's a two-man job.
Benson
Well, where's Mordecai?
I don't know. I haven't seen him.
Come to think of it, I haven't seen him since C.J. dumped him at Muscle Man's wedding.
Benson
Yeah, no one has. He hasn't come to work for two weeks now. I tried calling, but he won't pick up.
What? No, here. I'll call him. [grabs his phone from inside the couch and speed dials Mordecai's number; a vibration is heard and he hears it from the couch; opens Mordecai's phone and saw 300+ missed calls from Benson] Huh, that's not like Mordecai.
Benson
[frustrated] I can't believe this! You don't even know where your best friend is?
Hey, I've been busy. [signs to which means hanging out with Eileen]
Benson
Look, I'm just concerned about the well-being about my employees as any park manager, but I've got a business to run in. If you don't find Mordecai and bring him back to work by tomorrow, then I'm gonna have to fire him.
[shocked] What?! [stands up on the couch] Wait! I can find him!
Benson
Well for your sake I hope so, otherwise you'll be cleaning the gutters solo from now on.
[answering a call from Eileen] Hello?
Hey, I checked from Margaret. She hasn't seen or heard from Mordecai.
Yeah, his parents don't know where he is, either.
And I don't think he'll be hanging out with C.J. anytime soon. Well, I'll start putting these flyers around town. Hopefully a hundred should be enough. [takes out flyers of Mordecai missing posters]
Well, I'll be privileging his personal stuff he doesn't like me touching, see ya. [hangs up; takes Mordecai's mattress off his bed and sees a note reading "Dumptown U.S.A."; picks up the note and reads it] "Dear Mordecai, stop wallowing in your lady woes and come have sodas…"
SSSad Sax
[narrating] "…With other single bros! There's a place with hot sandy beaches and an All-You-Can-Eat buffet! So pick up your sax and jam with the crew in Dumptown U.S.A.! Signed, Sad Sax."
[annoyed] Uh, Sad Sax Guy, I should have known! At Dumptown U.S.A.? That sounds so lame! I bet nobody's ever been to this place.
Benson
[off-screen] I have. [Rigby turns to him and later brings him into his office] Dumptown is a refuge for guys who have recently been dumped, a place where they can forget about their breakups and embrace their newfound single-hood.
Benson
Oh, no! Dumptown is great!
Regular Show · 562 quotes
