Mordecai quotes from Regular Show

Mordecai

Okay, little dude, time to go to sleep.

No. I refuse!

Mordecai

What the!?

Rigby

Wait, you can talk?

Of course I can, I am over 300 years old.

Mordecai

Wait — do your parents know?

NO, and let's keep it that way! I want to ride this baby thing out for a while longer, and before I slumber, I demand that we PLAY.

Rigby

Well, okay... but you better go to sleep after that.

Mordecai

"..And once all the souls were eaten, he took a nice long nap. The end." It's such a pretty good book.

No, wait — you forgot to pull the last tab.

Mordecai

Uhh...

PULL IT! THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART!

Mordecai

What's the point? The book's over, dude.

If you DON'T, I won't go to bed!

What is going on here?

Mordecai

[groans] This is why clubs suck! You think you are better than everybody else? There'a a dumb list that no one can get on? That weird baby water? This annoying music?!

Rigby

Actually, I like the music.

Mordecai

And now you're kicking my friend out because he's not wearing the right clothes?! Well, I'm not wearing the right clothes! [He takes off trash bag] I got this stuff out at the trash. Are you gonna kick me out, too? [all gasp] Rigby is not an embarrassment, this Stuck-Up club is an embarrassment.

Well, I am the owner of the Stuck-Up club, and I want you two gone.

Mordecai

What?!

Harvey, Lafayette!

Mordecai

W--What? Wait.

Throw these losers out.

Mordecai

No, please! Margaret's waiting for me! I promised I'd dance with her!

Not tonight, kid.

Rigby

Let go of me!

Mordecai

No!

Mordecai

[gasps] Margaret! [he stomps on Harvey's feet, and he's running after Margaret]

GET THEM!

Mordecai

Dude, Benson can't stand it when you leave jobs before they're even finished.

Rigby

Oh please, what's he gonna do? [Benson looks behind him, who overhears the conversation]

Mordecai

Dude, stop.

Rigby

Fire me?

Mordecai

[teething angrily] IT’S BENSON!

Rigby

Yeah, I know it's Benson, that's how it works around here. I don't do my work, and he doesn't do a thing about it. It's a win-win.

Benson

Actually, it's a lose-lose CAUSE YOU’RE FIRED!!

Rigby

Whoa, Benson!! I was just messing around! Sorry about that. I'm just gonna go back to work now, okay?

Benson

No, you're not. You're actually fired. I want you outta here.

Rigby

I'm sorry, Benson, it won't happen again!

Mordecai

Can't you give him another chance?!

Pops

[stops by] What's going on here?

Mordecai

Benson just fired Rigby.

Pops

Why? What's the matter, Benson?

Benson

Well, for one, he never finishes his work.

Rigby

That's not true! I always finish my work!

Rigby

Okay, so... maybe I don't always finish my work, but... you never told me how to! How am I suppose to do something I don't even know how to do?!

Benson

I don't know! If you haven't figured it out already, you're not gonna figure it out anytime soon. I want you outta here!!

Muscle Man

We're here today because my dad put a cactus under a cop in a bear costume, who turned out to be an actual bear. [starts freaking out, wreaks havoc]

Mordecai

Muscle Man! [runs with Rigby to comfort him] It's okay, it's okay!

Muscle Man

You're right! You're right! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm okay. My dad might not have been the best pranker in the world... but he was the best trucker in the world. And that hat was his crown. That's why this urn is filled with the ashes of his hat. As the ultimate Father's Day tribute, I'm gonna help my dad fulfil his final wish by spreading the ashes of his hat at the Trucker Hall of Fame.

Benson

Guys, I'd like you to go with Muscle Man to help him spread those hat ashes.

Mordecai

What? Why can't Hi-Five Ghost go with him?

Benson

Hi-Five Ghost doesn't deal well with this sort of thing. [cuts to Fives outside the window crying]

Mordecai

Okay, we'll go with him.

Benson

Thanks. Just make sure to watch after him. If Muscle Man can't spread those hat ashes and get some closure, he may never be the same again.

Muscle Man

[twirling suit, chugs soda on the couch] WOO-HOO!! WOO!! [chucks soda at the wall, runs off] WOOO!!!

Seriously, you dudes are gonna love this.

Mordecai

Family Restaurant?

Rigby

Why is everything in quotes?

Hey! I asked for the dressing separate! Separate!

Take it up with the complaints department! Right here!

Puppies!

Kittens!

Puppies!

Kittens!

Hey! You gonna order something?

Engine oil. Black.

Mordecai

Ooh, I get it! Oil's on me.

Mordecai

You should have just us you wanted to find an oil change!

Hey! Don't you know that grade of oil causes unnecessary wear and tear on your engine?

Well maybe I've got a deathwish, pal!

Jokers like you should be taken to the dump.

You make me wanna puke!

Pfft. Jerk.

Mordecai

Okay, haha, you've had your last drink!

Rigby

Let's hurry to the dump, it's getting late!

Oh, this? This isn't the last thing.

Rigby

Huh? Then what is it?

Watch this.

I've always wanted to get into a fight!

Hence fighting words!

Hate this music!

Who wants some?

Rigby

Cart!

Hey!

And stay out! This is a decent "Family Establishment"! Don't need you "low lives" messing things up!

Mordecai

Wait a minute, where's the Cart? I knew it! He ditched us! We should've taken him to the dump when we had the chance! We're so fired, dude! [Mordecai feels disappointed]

Rigby

Mordecai, look! An oil trail!

Mordecai

There he is! Cart...what are you doing up here?

I - I'm so sorry, you guys. I - I just didn't want you to have to see me like this.

Mordecai

It's alright, dude. Can we please just go to the dump now?

If I have to go, I'm gonna do it my way. I wanna be sent off this cliff, into the ocean, filled with fireworks from a third world country, to go out in a blaze of glory. That's my final - final wish.

Mordecai

That's - the coolest thing I've ever heard.

Mordecai

Alright. That's the last of them.

Thanks, you guys.

Mordecai

Do you have any regrets?

Well I never did write that novel. But I've seen things other carts wouldn't believe. I've started an all-out brawl at a family restaurant. I've watched sunbeams shimmer over the city from the highest parking ramp. My only regret is that I couldn't hold more fireworks.

Mordecai

Yeah, but it's still a lot.

Yeayuh, it is!

OOHHHH!!!

Let's get this show on the road.

Mordecai

Good luck, old friend.

Mordecai

Coolest decommissioning ever.

Rigby

Totally cool.

Look, you guys need to return the tape and pay the late fee.

Rigby

But we can't afford a late fee!

Mordecai

Yeah, and what if we can't find it?

[grunts, grabs a pair of scissors] Then you leave me no choice. [about to snip their membership card]

STOP

Why should I?

Rigby

All we have is a VCR and you're the only place in town that still rents tapes!

Oh, yeah — all those other places UPGRADED to D-V-D!!

Mordecai

Dude, we'll find it! I think I remember where it is suddenly!

Hmmph...

Rigby

PLEEEEEASE!!!

[groans] Fine, but it's only because you dudes appreciate superior video formats. Get it back here A.S.A.P. and I won't cancel your membership. I'll even wave the fee.

Rigby

You won't regret this!

I'd better not! Or you'll never rent a tape here EVER AGAIN!!

Dude, the game has changed. I need that tape back by 9. My manager's doing inventory after we close, and he'll call the collections agency if he finds out it's missing.

Mordecai

What would it cost to just replace the tape?

You're not going to like it.

Mordecai

Dude, just tell me!

One.. thousand.. dollars.

Mordecai

A THOUSAND DOLLARS?!

It's a RARE out-of-print VHS! A piece of film history!

Mordecai

It's a piece alright.

Just find it by tonight. I hear those guys break thumbs.

Benson

As you guys may or may not know, it's Pops' birthday tomorrow. I was planning on getting him something nice from the arts and crafts fair last Saturday, but... nothing really stood out. Has anybody gotten him anything yet?

Muscle Man

[beat] No.

Benson

Why am I not surprised? [pulls cap off of marker] Ideas? Anybody?

Muscle Man

How about one of them Jeff Forgeman grills?

Benson

That's actually not a bad idea, but Pops has been watching his cholesterol. Doctor's orders. What else?

Skips

How about we get him some new gardening tools?

Benson

Well, maybe. It's just, he gets new gardening tools all the time.

Mordecai

What about some horseback riding lessons?

Benson

Please tell me you're joking.

Mordecai

Well, no. Isn't he into that?

Benson

Don't you remember? That's the exact same gift we got him last year.

Rigby

Pshh!

Mordecai

Don't "pshh" me! I don't hear you coming up with anything.

Rigby

Yeah, but at least I didn't say the same thing that we got him last year!

Mordecai

Give us back our dice! We won 'em fair and square!

There's no way you're getting these dice. Now get outta the way before somebody gets hurt!

Benson

What could you possibly want with fuzzy dice?

Well, 10 years ago, we knocked over at big city jewelers, and we made off with millions worth of uncut diamonds. [points to the dice] And those diamonds are in those dice.

[thwacks Louie in the face] Shut up, Louie!

Benson

I remember reading about that! That was you?

Yeah, that's right. We've been laying low for 10 long years waiting for the statute of limitations on grand theft larceny to run out. And it was supposed to end tonight at midnight.

Duck

Mm-hmm. Until you clowns came along and ruined everything.

Rigby

Can't we just have the dice without the diamonds?

It's too late. And you know too much.

Duck

Mm-hmm.

Benson

If you pass them out before the meeting, you're fired, got it?

Mordecai

Yeah, no problem.

Benson

Good. Now what do I just tell you?

Rigby

Get the donuts and don't pass them out, or else we're fired.

Benson

And?

Mordecai

Oh, and you want a whole wheat donut.

Benson

Good. Maybe you are ready for more responsibility. Now go get the donuts.

(Gets out of chairs and start rapping) D-d-d-d-donuts! D-d-d-d-donuts, donuts! D-d-d-d-donuts! D-d-d-d--

Benson

[annoyingly yelling] JUST BUY THE DONUTS OR YOU'RE FIRED!

Uughhhhh....

Mordecai

So, what did you guys think?

Margaret

Yeah, you know, it was pretty good.

Eileen

I think I'm gonna like the remake better.

Rigby

They don't call it Crime Town for nothing, baby. (Mimicking machine gun sounds)

Mordecai

Well, I'm glad you liked it. I missed all the best parts 'cause you were trying to talk to me.

Rigby

Dude, I still don't know what you're talking about. Like I said, it wasn't me.

Mordecai

Whatever.

Margaret

(Mordecai walk to Margaret's car, and looks around for his personal item which turns out to be his wallet, Margaret has followed him to the car to check up on him) What's up?

Mordecai

I can't find my wallet.

Margaret

Oh, let's see... (She also joins Mordecai in the car, helping him look for his wallet, then she leans over the seat) Did you check the glove compartment?

Mordecai

Yeah, I checked there... (They realize that they are close to one another once again) already...

Margaret

Oh, ha...

Mordecai

Ha. (They stare at each other, Mordecai gulps, and leans in with Margaret joining in, and they kiss. Then Margaret opens her eyes and looks disgusted, and pushes Mordecai away) Oh, sorry, I shouldn't…

Margaret

No, it's fine. It's just…

Mordecai

What?

Margaret

Your breath is really bad.

Mordecai

Ahh! Oh, my gosh. (Reaches for the door handle to get out of the car)

Margaret

Wait, no! It's...

Mordecai

I'm sorry! (He exits out of the car to run back into the house) I'm sorry!

Margaret

Mordecai!

Rigby

(Talking to Eileen) Yeah, you know, I came up with the name Morde-shakes, so...

Mordecai

(Runs to the door and goes inside) Morde-shakes are cancelled. Good night, Eileen.

Rigby

Wait, what?

Mordecai

(He grabs Rigby's arm) I need to talk to you. Come on!

Rigby

Whoa! (Mordecai runs inside the house grabbing Rigby, and the door closes)

Eileen

Uh, good night?

Rigby

Seriously? You didn't check first?

Mordecai

I was in the moment.

Rigby

(Takes out a pack of mints) You gotta pack a mint, bro.

Mordecai

Ugh! That was our first kiss, and I blew it! I'm never gonna be able to face her again. I wish I could just take it back.

Rigby

Sounds like you need a time machine.

Mordecai

Ha, yeah, I wish.