The Cat quotes from Red Dwarf

Kryten

Sir, it's a scientific fact that the human male needs to spend time by himself.

Lister

Is it?

Kryten

Hm, the most popular pastimes have always been ones that males can enjoy alone. Angling, golf and of course the all time number one.

Cat

It's not just humans, look what happens when two male tigers are locked up together. One of them winds up on the others toothpick.

Kryten

Lions, tigers, scorpions, rats. Even vultures when they're in captivity.

Lister

What are you saying to me? 'Vultures need personal space'? They need time alone to put their feet up and read 'What Carcass?' magazine?

Rimmer

Gentlemen... your conversation makes interesting listening.

Lister

Rimmer, is that you?

Rimmer

Oh, yes...

Lister

How long have you been listenin'?

Rimmer

Two, maybe three hours...

Lister

Well nobody's got any disease, man.

Cat

We're clean.

Kryten

You have to re-screen us, sir, as per directive 699.

Lister

No-one's got any virus, and no-one's smeggin' nuts!

Rimmer

Well that's good.

Rimmer

Is something amiss?

Lister

Hell no! What could possibly be amiss?

Rimmer

You don't think anything's amiss? I'm wearing a red and white checked gingham dress... and army boots... and you think nothing is amiss?

Rimmer

I can't let you out.

Lister

Why not?

Rimmer

Because the King of the Potato People wont let me. (laughter) I begged him, I got down on my knees, and wept. He wants to keep you here... Keep you here for ten years.

Cat

Can we see him?

Rimmer

See who?

Cat

The King.

Rimmer

Do you have a magic carpet?

Lister

Yeh...a little three seater!

Rimmer

So let me get this straight: you want to fly on a magic carpet, to see the king of the potato people, and plead with him for your freedom... and you're telling me you're completely sane? I think that calls for two hours of W-O-O.

Lister

[panicked] What's W-O-O?

Cat

You had to ask...

Rimmer

With... Out.. Oxygen! Two hours without oxygen. That'll teach you to be breadbaskets! (fades)

We find clothes to be a distraction from the pursuit of spiritual and intellectual fulfillment.

Cat

Really? I find spiritual and intellectual fulfillment to be a distraction from the pursuit of clothes.

Kryten

That's eighty klicks. We should be clear of any possible blast zone.

Cat

You really think it's gonna blow?

Rimmer

This can't be happening.

Lister

Nothin's gonna happen. We're just here as a precaution. The whole ship's full of fail-safes anyway. Cooling systems, containment panels, vacuum shields. The actual chances of it blowin' are about one in -

Rimmer

This venom -- are we safe in here?

Lister

It penetrated the hull of a class D space corps seeding ship. In comparison, we're a sardine tin.

Rimmer

It's coming straight for us.

Lister

There's only three alternatives: it thinks we're either a threat, food or a mate.... It's either gonna kill us, eat us or hump us. Either we persuade him we're not that kinda oceanic salvage vessel, or we scarper pronto.

Cat

To get diddled by a giant squid on a first date? Think how I'd feel in the morning!

Cat

Don't fish swim south for the winter?

Kryten

No, sir. That's birds.

Cat

Birds swim south for the winter? How do they breathe?

Rimmer

There, on the floor... P-S-I-R-E-N-S... "Psirens?"

Kryten

The poor sucker must have written it using a combination of his own blood, and even his own intestines.

Rimmer

But who would do that?

Lister

Someone who BADLY needed a pen.

Cat

What I wanna know is why he went to the trouble of using his own kidney as a full-stop.

Rimmer

I don't think he meant to do that. I think it just... plopped out.

Cat

There's an old cat proverb, "It's better to live one hour as a tiger than a whole lifetime as a worm."

Rimmer

There's an old human proverb, "Whoever heard of a worm skin rug?"

Rimmer

Damage report?

Cat

It's bad, bud. Looks like Starbug's been hit!

Rimmer

Details, halibut breath!

Cat

Well, according to the damage report machine, there's several small fires, lots of smoke and the navicom's fizzing.

Cat

Oh, damn! Now the damage report machine's exploded!

Cat

All in all, a 100% successful trip!

Kryten

But, sir, we lost Mr. Rimmer.

Cat

All in all, a 100% successful trip!

Cat

There's an old cat saying: "If you're gonna eat tuna, expect bones."

Rimmer

There's an old human saying: "If you're gonna talk garbage, expect pain."

Kryten

[to Lister] Sir, are you really saying you would rather have a psychopathic mechanical killer rip off your skull and play your frontal lobes like a xylophone than have another bowl of my nourishing space nettle soup?

Cat

Buddy, I'd hand him the sticks and hold up the sheet music!

Cat

[to a Rogue Simulant] There's one thing you should know. Last time we met I was wearing a cute little black number with peach trim and gold spangles, and although it looks like I'm wearing the same outfit today, it is in fact an entirely different cute little black number, with completely different gold spangles!

Kryten

That was an important speech, sir, and it needed to be made. Might I suggest, however, that the rest of this discourse is continued by those with brains larger than a grape?

Rimmer

My escape plan worked then?

Cat

What escape plan?

Rimmer

The valiant plan whereby I set off the disintegration of the ship's hull by bravely leaping into the escape pod, thereby creating a diversion, so you could...(pauses) Actually, how did you escape?