The Cat quotes from Red Dwarf

Kryten

Umm, can anyone hear anything?

Cat

No.

Kryten

Exactly, no one can hear anything, and do you know why we can't hear anything?

Rimmer

(annoyed) Why?

Kryten

(in a spooky voice) Because there are no sounds to hear!

Rimmer

Kryten, isn't it around this time that your head goes back to the lab for re-tuning?

Lister

Let me get this straight. Is she doing what I think she's doing?

Cat

Why? What do you think she's doing?

Lister

Playing pool with planets.

Rimmer

Is that possible?

Lister

Well, it's not going to work. It's completely insane. It's whacko. It's noodle-doodle.

Cat

I'm with you, buddy.

Lister

No, not the idea, the shot. There's not enough side.

Rimmer

"Side?"

Lister

Yeah, side-spin. It's a complete mis-cue.

Rimmer

What are you drivelling about, Lister? We're talking about a computer with an IQ in excess of twelve thousand.

Lister

Doesn't mean she can play pool. I can. Trust me. I know whereof I speak. Aigburth Arms on a Friday night, they used to call me Dave "Cinzano Bianco" Lister, 'cause once I was on the table, you couldn't get rid of me. This pool arm is as sound as a dollarpound, and I promise you that shot will not come off! She's topped it, that's what she's done, she's topped it! It's a felt-ripper! That planet is off the table and into somebody's pint of beer!

Rimmer

What is it about me? It's always been the same old story. It's not easy to look in that mirror and see a guy nobody likes.

Cat

How do you think we feel? We gotta look at it all day!

Lister

[lying] We just thought you wouldn't wanna come.

Rimmer

I try to be liked, God knows I try. I regale you with amusing stories of my time in the Hammond Organ Owners' Society. You never laugh. I offer to talk you through my photo collection of 20th-century telegraph poles. You've always got some excuse. None of you like Morris dancing. Would that break your hearts, every once in a while, getting our knees in the air, the jingle of bells, the clonk of wood on wood? Every time I suggest it, you pretend to be ill.

Lister

Whoa, whoa, whoa! They're bringing someone out! They're tying him to the stake.... It's Winnie the Pooh!

Cat

What?

Lister

Winnie the Pooh, I'm being serious! He's refusing the blindfold.... They're lining up in front of him....

Lister

....That's something no man should ever have to see...

Cat

What do you think these guys are gonna do to us?

Cat

Hey, if you mean torture, then say the word 'torture'. I can take it!

Lister

OK, they may torture us.

Cat

Ohhhhhh, torture...!

Cat

Who is this guy?

Lister

Caligula's a famous Roman Emperor. He slept with his mother, both his sisters and ended up eating his son.

Cat

Hey, a little advice, bud. We all feel a little peckish after making love, but most of us settle for pizza.

Cat

He's a transvestite?

Lister

Yeah!

Cat

With those hips?!

Cat

What's it made of?

Lister

Wood. It's kind of an inverted L shape made of wood.

Cat

Does it have a kind of rope motif?

Lister

There is a kind of noosey theme to it, yeah!

Cat

It's gallows! Look if it's gallows then say it's gallows! I can take it!

Lister

Ok! It's gallows!

Cat

Waah! They're building the gallows to hang us!

Lister

Look man, don't panic. We're gonna escape.

Cat

How?

Lister

Just...hijack the guards when they come in, nick their uniforms and stroll out.

Cat

Are you insane? Do you seriously expect me to wear grey out of season? I'd rather hang.

Lister

Hang on, hang on. Something's happening. Some kind of parade or drill but...

Cat

But what?

Lister

Hang on. These guys aren't Nazis...they're all wearing different period costumes. There's one looks like Al Capone, there's another like Mussolini, Richard III, Napoleon. Smeg, it's like all the worst people in history have been brought together in one place. Oh my God, there's James Last! I recognize him from Rimmer's record collection.

Cat

What are they doing?.

Lister

Well, just lining up in ... in some kind of firing squad. Whoa, Whoa! Hang on, hang on. Someone's being brought out, they're tying him to a stake. (looking horrified) It's Winnie the Pooh.

Cat

What?

Lister

Winnie the Pooh, I swear! He's refusing the blindfold.

Cat

They're tying Winnie the Pooh to a stake?

Lister

...That's something no one should ever have to see.

Cat

What, am I the only sane one here? Why don't we drop the defensive shields?

Kryten

A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two minor flaws. One: we don't have any defensive shields. And two: we don't have any defensive shields. Now I realise that, technically speaking, that's only one flaw; but I thought it was such a big one, it was worth mentioning twice.

Kryten

They've taken Mr. Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr. Rimmer!

Cat

Quick -- let's get out of here before they bring him back!

Kryten

What you're suggesting is immoral and illegal. Mind patching is outlawed.

Rimmer

But it is possible.

Kryten

Possible but highly dangerous. The side effects can be devastating. You could be reduced to a gibbering simpleton.

Cat

Reduced?

Rimmer

I don't care. I'm prepared to take the chance.

Lister

Even if it costs you your mind?

Cat

It's a small price to pay.

Rimmer

Look, on that ship I can touch, I can feel, I can taste. I'm not a half man any more. With them I'm whole again.

Lister

Rimmer, they're a bunch of arrogant, pompous, emotionally weird, stuck-up megalomaniacs. Do you really think you're going to fit in with them? (Pause) What am I saying? Bon voyage!

Justify your existence. What contribution have you made?

Cat

I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass!

Well, that's true.

Cat

Can I go now?

...That's your case?

Cat

You need more?

Some might say that's a pretty shallow argument.

Cat

Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a great ass!

We're locked out!

Kryten

This is not a malfunction, there's something controlling the craft!

Rimmer

Holly, any traffic around?

Nothing on the local scan.

Kryten

This isn't possible! There must be -

Cat

What happened to him? His voice finally break?

Kryten

The Inquisitor?!

Cat

Okay. I say let's get into the jet-powered rocket pants and junior birdman the hell out of here!

Kryten

An excellent and inventive suggestion, sir, with just two tiny drawbacks: a) We don't have any jet-powered rocket pants; and b) there's no such thing as jet-powered rocket pants outside the fictional serial "Robbie Rocket Pants."

Cat

Well, that's put an annoying crimp on an otherwise damn fine plan.

Lister

We're a real Mickey Mouse operation, aren't we?

Cat

Mickey Mouse? We ain't even Betty Boop!