Kryten quotes from Red Dwarf

Kryten

Question which occurs: if this ocean is supposed to be teeming with new lifeforms, where are they all?

Lister

What are you implying?

Kryten

No implication intended, sir.

Lister

Yes, there is. You're saying there's some huge damn fish out there, aren't yer? Some kinda gigantic weird pre-historic leviathan who's porked his way through this entire ocean.

Kryten

That's one option.

Lister

Any alternatives?

Kryten

None that occur.

Cat

Don't fish swim south for the winter?

Kryten

No, sir. That's birds.

Cat

Birds swim south for the winter? How do they breathe?

Rimmer

I know that, emotionally speaking, this isn't the news you want to hear right now. But there's a blob on the sonar scope the size of New Mexico and it's heading your way.

I think our friend the Suicide Squid is about to put in an appearance.

Kryten

Where is it, precisely?

Rimmer

Directly above you. Two thousand fathoms and diving.

Lister

Oh, thanks a lot, Rimmer. You know the state we're in and you have to go and give us news like that. You couldn't have lied?

Rimmer

I was lying. It's only one thousand fathoms.

Rimmer

Kryten, open the next one.

Kryten

Listen, whoever you are, don't push your luck by ordering whoever I am around, because almost certainly, whoever I am, I'm not the kind of guy who's gonna take any crap from whoever you are. So before you start ordering me around, let's establish if I'm the kind of guy who doesn't mind being ordered around or if I'm the kind of guy who gets all uptight about being ordered around by whatever the kind of guy you are.

Rimmer

All I said was open the next one.

Rimmer

There, on the floor... P-S-I-R-E-N-S... "Psirens?"

Kryten

The poor sucker must have written it using a combination of his own blood, and even his own intestines.

Rimmer

But who would do that?

Lister

Someone who BADLY needed a pen.

Cat

What I wanna know is why he went to the trouble of using his own kidney as a full-stop.

Rimmer

I don't think he meant to do that. I think it just... plopped out.

Kryten

Suggest we maintain course. That asteroid does not exist.

Rimmer

Suppose you're wrong?

Kryten

Sir, I'll stake my reputation on it.

Rimmer

Kryten, you haven't got a reputation.

Kryten

No, sir, but I'm hoping to acquire one from this escapade.

Rimmer

Step up to Red Alert!

Kryten

Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.

Death

Well, Sheriff, looks like it's just little old you.

Kryten

I'm not afraid, Mr Death, sir. My friends have bought enough time for me to complete the antidote program. So, if you'll forgive the confrontational imperative, go for your guns you scum-sucking molluscs!

Kryten

Sir, I just can't eat anymore raw coffee.

Lister

Two more bowls.

Kryten

But I am sober, honest!

Lister

OK, who are you and why're you here?

Kryten

I'm some kind of robot who's fighting this virus, and none of this exists, it's all in a fever, except for you guys, who really do exist, only you're not really here, you're really on some space ship in the future. Hell, if that's got to make sense I don't want to be sober!

Kryten

According to the psi-scan, it's somewhere in this location.

Lister

It's the barrel! [shoots at the barrel] Sorry. False alarm. That chain, it's moving! [shoots chain] Sorry. Sorry.

Kryten

Sir, try and remain calm. You're experiencing a classic knee-jerk, paranoid reaction to a terror situation. It's essential at this time that we - IT'S THE WALL! [shoots the wall] Shame overload. I... I... I sorry.

Cat

All in all, a 100% successful trip!

Kryten

But, sir, we lost Mr. Rimmer.

Cat

All in all, a 100% successful trip!

Lister

There's got to be a way out. There hasn't been a prison built that could hold Derek Custer. Why don't we scrape away this mortar here, slide one of these bricks out, then using a rope weaved from strands of this hessian, rig up a kind of a pulley system so that when a guard comes in, using it as a trip wire, gets laid out, and we put Rimmer in the guard's uniform, he leads us out, we steal some swords, and fight our way back to the 'bug?

Kryten

Or we could use the teleporter.

Lister

Or in a pinch, we could use the teleporter.

Rimmer

In which case we can remove him from duty as per Space Corps Directive 196156.

Kryten

196156? Any officer caught sniffing the saddle of the exercise bicycle in the women's gym will be discharged without trial? Hmm. I'm sorry, sir, that doesn't quite get to the nub of the matter for me.

Rimmer

I'm a competitive man, Kryten. Always have been. That's what makes me what I am.

Kryten

We're all perfectly well aware of what you are, sir.

Kryten

Rogue Simulants always carry large stocks of food supply in order to prolong the torment of their torture victims. In some cases, they've kept subjects alive for 40 years in a state of perpetual agony.

Rimmer

If we wanted to live in a state of perpetual agony, we'd let Lister play his guitar.