Kryten quotes from Red Dwarf

Rimmer

So, Kryten, you've heard of this "Inquisitor"?

Kryten

Only as a myth; a dark fable; a horror tale, told across the flickering embers of a midnight fire, wherever hardened space dogs gather to drink fermented vegetable products and compete in tales of blood-chilling terror!

Rimmer

A simple "yes" would have sufficed.

Well, Kryten? Justify yourself.

Kryten

I'm not sure I can.

But surely your life is replete with good works? There can be few individuals who have lived a more selfless life.

Kryten

But I am programmed to live unselfishly. And therefore, any good works I do come not out of fine motives, but as a result of a series of binary commands I am compelled to obey.

Well, then, how can any mechanical justify himself?

Kryten

Perhaps only if he attempted to break his programming and conduct his life according to a set of values he arrived at independently.

Your argument invites deletion.

Kryten

The rules are yours, not mine.

Do you wish to be erased?

Kryten

I am programmed not to wish for anything. I serve.

In a human, this type of behaviour could be considered "stubborn".

Kryten

But I am not human. And neither are you. And it is not our place to judge them. I wonder why you do.

We're locked out!

Kryten

This is not a malfunction, there's something controlling the craft!

Rimmer

Holly, any traffic around?

Nothing on the local scan.

Kryten

This isn't possible! There must be -

Cat

What happened to him? His voice finally break?

Kryten

The Inquisitor?!

Kryten

That is the Inquisitor; he prunes away the wastrels, expunges the wretched and deletes the worthless!

Rimmer

We're in big trouble!

Kryten

Sir! Sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist, or a missionary worker, you simply have to seize the gift of life!

Rimmer

Oh, God.

Kryten

Make a contribution.

Rimmer

Oh, God.

Kryten

No matter how small.

Rimmer

Oh, God.

Kryten

You simply have to have led a life that wasn't totally egocentric, vain and self-serving.

Rimmer

You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?

Kryten

I'm just trying to make you feel better, sir.

Rimmer

Well, shut up then!

Kryten

Uh-oh, the door. We'd better use an air vent.

Lister

No need.

Kryten

Sir?

Lister

Look, I'm gonna do something now, Kryten, that's totally, totally gross. I don't want you to look. Turn around.

Kryten

What?

Lister

Trust me, you don't wanna know!

Kryten

Logically, sir, there is only one way you could have possibly have opened that door. I feel quite nauseous. Where is it?

Kryten

Oh, sir! You've got it in your jacket!!

Lister

I got us out of the hold, didn't I?

Kryten

Sir, you are sick! You are a sick, sick person!

Lister

Shut up.

Kryten

How can you possibly even conceive of such an idea?

Lister

Shut up! Or I'll beat you to death with the wet end!

Lister

Listen, Kryten, I've been thinkin' about this, I've come up with something.

Kryten

Yes, sir?

Lister

I'm gonna use my brains for the first time in my life.

Kryten

Considering the circumstances, sir, do you really believe that's wise?

Cat

Okay. I say let's get into the jet-powered rocket pants and junior birdman the hell out of here!

Kryten

An excellent and inventive suggestion, sir, with just two tiny drawbacks: a) We don't have any jet-powered rocket pants; and b) there's no such thing as jet-powered rocket pants outside the fictional serial "Robbie Rocket Pants."

Cat

Well, that's put an annoying crimp on an otherwise damn fine plan.

Rimmer

I don't loathe myself. What is there one could possibly loathe about me?

Kryten

Would you like the list, sir?

Rimmer

What list?

Kryten

Well, there was the fact you were despised by your parents for failing to achieve their standards. The fact your three brothers were all such high-flyers in the Space Corps and you ended up servicing chicken soup machines. There's your inability to form long-term relationships with anyone, your cowardliness, your lack of charm, honour or grace and the awful knowledge that throughout your entire life nobody has ever truly liked you because you are so fundamentally unlikeable.

Rimmer

Oh, that.

Kryten

Please don't interrupt, sir, I'm only half-way through my list.

Lister

Kryten! Are you okay, man?

Kryten

I have a medium-sized fire axe buried in my spinal column. That sort of thing can really put a crimp on your day.

Kryten

Sir, it's a scientific fact that the human male needs to spend time by himself.

Lister

Is it?

Kryten

Hm, the most popular pastimes have always been ones that males can enjoy alone. Angling, golf and of course the all time number one.

Cat

It's not just humans, look what happens when two male tigers are locked up together. One of them winds up on the others toothpick.

Kryten

Lions, tigers, scorpions, rats. Even vultures when they're in captivity.

Lister

What are you saying to me? 'Vultures need personal space'? They need time alone to put their feet up and read 'What Carcass?' magazine?

Lister

I'm just saying, there's 79 more days to go.

Kryten

And if you still want to be alive when there's only 78 more days to go, I suggest you do not blow your nose.

Lister

Do you mind if I ask why?

Kryten

Well, let's forget the noise and the revolting burbling sound and get straight to the really gross part when you always, and I do mean ALWAYS, having blown your nose, you have to open up the handkerchief and take a look at the contents. I mean, why? What do expect to see in there? A Turner seascape perhaps? The face of the Madonna? An undiscovered Shakespearean sonnet?

Rimmer

Gentlemen... your conversation makes interesting listening.

Lister

Rimmer, is that you?

Rimmer

Oh, yes...

Lister

How long have you been listenin'?

Rimmer

Two, maybe three hours...

Lister

Well nobody's got any disease, man.

Cat

We're clean.

Kryten

You have to re-screen us, sir, as per directive 699.

Lister

No-one's got any virus, and no-one's smeggin' nuts!

Rimmer

Well that's good.

Rimmer

Is something amiss?

Lister

Hell no! What could possibly be amiss?

Rimmer

You don't think anything's amiss? I'm wearing a red and white checked gingham dress... and army boots... and you think nothing is amiss?

Kryten

These are our higher selves. They are who we could have become if all the negative aspects of our characters were removed.

Rimmer

You mean hippies.

Kryten

With respect sir, you think Jesus was a hippie.

Rimmer

Well, he was. He had long hair and he didn't have a job. What more do you want?

Kryten

That's eighty klicks. We should be clear of any possible blast zone.

Cat

You really think it's gonna blow?

Rimmer

This can't be happening.

Lister

Nothin's gonna happen. We're just here as a precaution. The whole ship's full of fail-safes anyway. Cooling systems, containment panels, vacuum shields. The actual chances of it blowin' are about one in -