Kryten quotes from Red Dwarf

Lister

[deciding on whether or not to go into an abandoned Rogue Simulant ship and get food] Kryten, what's for dinner?

Kryten

Tonight, sir, asteroid lichen stew followed by dandelion sorbet.

Lister

We're going in.

Kryten

[to Lister] Sir, are you really saying you would rather have a psychopathic mechanical killer rip off your skull and play your frontal lobes like a xylophone than have another bowl of my nourishing space nettle soup?

Cat

Buddy, I'd hand him the sticks and hold up the sheet music!

Cat

[to a Rogue Simulant] There's one thing you should know. Last time we met I was wearing a cute little black number with peach trim and gold spangles, and although it looks like I'm wearing the same outfit today, it is in fact an entirely different cute little black number, with completely different gold spangles!

Kryten

That was an important speech, sir, and it needed to be made. Might I suggest, however, that the rest of this discourse is continued by those with brains larger than a grape?

Kryten

Please, sir, don't panic.

Rimmer

It's not panic, it's a full blown hysterical fit.

Kryten

Grind those balls, sir. Grind them!

Rimmer

So let me get this straight. If we board that ship and get captured, we're finished. However, if we board that ship, don't get captured, but the superstructure disintegrates around us, we're finished. On the other hand, if we board that ship, don't get captured and the superstructure doesn't disintegrate around us, but we can't find any fuel, we are in fact finished?

Lister

That's about the shape of it, yeah.

Kryten

After you with the balls, sir...

Kryten

Either Mr. Rimmer had the incredibly good fortune to land on a populated planet.... Or.....

Cat

...Or what?.

Kryten

It's too hideous to contemplate!

Lister

This might sound like a bit of a corny line, but... I can't bring myself to say it.

Rimmer

Say what?

Lister

Take us to your leader.

Kryten

Sir, how could you?

Rimmer

Give us visual. Let's see what it's like out there.

Lister

Okay, punching it up.

Lister

Hey, I don't get it! We're still where we were!

Kryten

Of course. We're still in deep space, sir, only now we're in deep space in the 15th century. Isn't it wonderful?

Rimmer

So we're still three million years away from Earth?

Rimmer

Give us visual. Let's see what it's like out there.

Lister

Okay, punching it up.

Lister

Hey, I don't get it! We're still where we were!

Kryten

Of course. We're still in deep space, sir, only now we're in deep space in the 15th century. Isn't it wonderful?

Rimmer

So we're still three million years away from Earth?

Kryten

Well, yes.

Lister

[sighs] Taking her back to the present.

Kryten

Keyed in. Engage.

Rimmer

So forgive me if I'm being thicker than the offspring of a village idiot and a TV weather girl, but what was the point of that little exercise? Fun though it was, drinking in the heady medieval atmosphere of pre-Renaissance deep space, the drive is next to useless, yes?

Cat

So what do we do?

Rimmer

Have we got any chance of winning?

Kryten

Their craft is greatly upgraded. We have no chance whatsoever.

Rimmer

Then I say fight! (dramatic chord of music)

Rimmer

Better dead than smeg!

Lister

Ye-es! Cat?

Cat

Better dead than sofa-size butt!

Lister

Kryten?

Kryten

Better anything than that toupee!

Kryten

But there may be...

Rimmer

Kryten...? Kryten?! There may be a what? A way out of this? Is that what you were gonna say? Sp... speak, Kryten! How can we change what's happening?

Rimmer

Do you think it's because the subspace conduits have locked with the transponder calibrations and caused a major tachyon surge that has overloaded the time matrix?

Kryten

Ah, no, sir. I've just been jabbing it too hard.

Lister

Are you my faithful man servant or what?

Kryten

I'm ashamed to be with you sir. I haven't been this embarrassed since I was loosening my adjustment screws, and my entire groinal box dropped into Mr Rimmer's soup.

Kryten

[to Lister] We've lost sight of Miss Kochanski's ship, sir. And we're fast running out of time.

Lister

Yeah, it's good, isn't it?

Kryten

No sir, I don't believe it is.

Lister

Why? Don't you like her?

Kryten

I'm a mere mechanoid, sir. It's hardly my place to point out what a bossy old trollop she is.

Kryten

I'm going to end up on my own again, just like I did on the Nova 5.

Lister

You killed the crew, Kryten! No wonder you were left on your own! All right, it was an accident, but nonetheless!

Kryten

But what about before that? It was the same on the SS Augustus!

Lister

Well, they died of old age!

Kryten

You see?

Kryten

You're not good enough for him. That's all. OK, he may walk around smelling like a Balti House laundry basket, but he doesn't need the likes of you swapping dimensions like there's no tomorrow and bewitching him with your... in and out bits. Pointy and unnecessary.

Kochanski

You've got big problems, you know that?