TTodhunter
Mutiny, Lister?
ListerI stood on his toe.
Maliciously, and with intent to wound.
Lister
It was an accident!
Lister, I put it to you, how is it possible to stand on one small toe by accident? You didn't stand on my toe at all, you stood on my entire foot, thereby obstructing a superior technician in pursuit of vital duty.
Lister
But the vital duty was that he was going to snap my guitar in half!
Whereupon you leapt from the top bunk onto the whole of my right foot.
TTodhunter
Alright, that's enough.
Had there been a crisis situation, Lister, I would have had to perform my duties hopping, clearly putting the ship at risk, clearly therefore mutiny.
However, I am not a vindictive man, so I don't intend to apply for the death penalty.
Lister
You wanted to see me, Captain?
Lister
What? What cat?
Lister, not only are you so stupid you jeopardise every man and woman on this ship, not only that, you take a photo of yourself with the cat and send it to be processed in the ship's lab. Now, I'm going to ask you again. Do you have a cat?
Lister
No.
[holding up a photo of Lister and a cat] Have you got a cat?
Lister
Yo, look, Rimmer, I've been thinking.
Lister
You know, about going into stasis and everything.
Lister
What do you mean, "how did I do what"?
Lister, don't be a gimboid!
Lister
I'm not being a gimboid!
[turning away from Lister] I've just been in the library thinking, and I've decided... [pauses and looks annoyed] SHUT UP! Now, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, I've decided that, when you go into stasis, I want to stay behind. I want to be left on.
Lister
What, on your own for the rest of your life?
Lister
Eh?
Lister
What's going on?
[points into thin air and starts walking away from Lister] You are space crazy!
Lister
I'm space crazy? You're the one who's space crazy!
Well, it probably is deja vu, it sounds like it.
[Rimmer shakes his head and walks out of the drive room. As he does so, another Rimmer enters from the captain's office, startling Lister]
Lister
AAAH! Rimmer! I've just seen you walk out of that door!
Lister
How did you do that?
Lister
You just this second walked out of that door!
Lister, don't be a gimboid!
Lister
I swear on my grandmother's life that as you walked out of that door... [runs across the room, causing Rimmer to turn to face him] you came in this one!
I've just been in the library thinking, and I've decided...
Lister
Rimmer, I'm telling you!
Hold it. Now, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, I've decided that, when you go into stasis, I want to stay behind. I want to be left on.
Lister
Rimmer, you've just come in and said exactly these things.
Lister
You said that.
Lister
And that! You said that!
Lister
And then you said, "well, it probably is deja vu".
Well, it probably is deja vu, it sounds like it.
Lister
Well, go on, then, shake your head and walk out.
[Rimmer shakes his head and walks out]
What's this? Learning drugs? They're illegal, matey! I'm afraid you're in very serious, grave, deep trouble, Lister. Where did you get them? I want names, I want places, I want dates.
Lister
Arnold Rimmer, his locker, this morning.
Lister
Holly, why Rimmer's hologram? Why'd you have to bring Rimmer's hologram back? He was the most unpopular man on board this ship. I mean, he even had to organise his own surprise birthday parties!
Who should I have brought back, then?
Lister
Anyone! Chen, Petersen! I mean even Hermann Göring would've been more of a laugh than Rimmer! I mean, OK, he was a drug-crazed, Nazi transvestite, but at least we could've gone dancing!
Lister
When?
Oh, come on, Lister! Laugh, laugh, laugh. Chuckle, guffaw, giggle. That's Rimsy and Listy!
Lister
When?
Lister
When?
Ah... no... ah, how about the time your safety harness snapped and you fell into the cargo bay? We laughed then, didn't we?
Lister
I cracked me spine in three places.
Yes, but it was hilarious! We laughed like drains!
Lister
You laughed, I spent six weeks in traction.
And you spent the rest of the summer walking around like a croquet hoop! I laughed so hard I nearly puked...
Lister
[examining markings on the space pod] Hold on... Give me an R... Give me an E... Give me a D.... Give me a Red Dwarf...Garbage Pod! Holly, did Rimmer ever work in waste disposal?
Lister
It's one of our old Red Dwarf garbage pods with the writing burnt off in places. Why didn't you tell him, Hol?
Well, it's a laugh, innit?
Lister
I mean, what kind of holy writ is this, Rimmer? 'It is a sin to be cool.'
LOOK, I'M SICK TO DEATH ABOUT HEARING ABOUT THESE STUPID CATS! MY CONCERNS ARE SLIGHTLY MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT KIND OF CARDBOARD HAT I'M WEARING! I'M TRYING TO DECIPHER THIS! THIS IS SCIENCE, LADDIE! You can smirk, Lister, but I believe the Quagaars!
Lister
'Quagars?'
Quagaars, it's a name I made up! Double-A, actually! I believe the Quagaars'll have the technology to give me a new body!
Lister
Never mind this tot, where's the Cat?
Lister
Tot.
Lister
Tot!
Lister
TOT!
TOT?! TOT?! WE'LL SEE HOW TOTTY THIS IS, LADDIE, THE QUARANTINE PERIOD'S NEARLY UP! ....BASTARD!
Lister
Hang on, hang on. Are you saying you never became an officer because you shared your quarters with someone who hummed?
Obviously not just that, Lister. Everything! Everything you ever did was designed to hold me back and annoy me.
Lister
Like what?
Like using my mother's photograph as an ashtray.
Lister
I didn't know! I thought it was a souvenir from Titan Zoo.
We're getting a signal. It's probably nothing but I just thought I'd mention it.
Lister
Oh God, aliens... Your explanation for anything slightly peculiar is aliens, isn't it? You lose your keys - it's aliens. A picture falls off the wall - it's aliens. That time we used up a whole bog roll in a day, you thought that was aliens as well!
Well, we didn't use it all, Lister. Who did?
Lister
Rimmer, aliens used our bog roll?
Just 'cos they're aliens, doesn't mean they don't have to visit the little boys' room. Although they probably do something weird and alien-esque, like it comes out of the top of their heads or something.
Lister
Well, I wouldn't like to be stuck behind one in a cinema!
We're a bit short on a few supplies.
Lister
Like what?
Cow's milk. Ran out of that yonks ago. Fresh and dehydrated.
Lister
What kind of milk are we using now?
Emergency back-up supply. We're on the dog's milk.
Lister
Dog's milk?!
Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk.
Lister
Why?
No bugger'll drink it. Plus, of course, the advantage of dog's milk is that when it goes off, it tastes exactly the same as when it's fresh.
Lister
Why didn't you tell me, Holly?
What, and spoil your tea?
Red Dwarf · 473 quotes
