Alan Davies quotes from QI, page 20 ... TV Quotes Database

Played by Alan Davies

2nd most-quoted character in QI: in 318 of its 849 quotes
Most scenes with: Stephen Fry (256), Jimmy Carr (26), Bill Bailey (26)

Scenes with Alan Davies 297

[In response to the www.alan0andstephenhero.com hidden in the theme tune, Alan is hiding under his horse mask when a sudden noise happens.]

Bill Bailey

What the hell was that?

JEJenny Eclair

It’s a light.

Alan Davies

Was it a lamp?

Johnny Vegas

No, he’s got a bad ankle. I’m just taking him out. I can’t afford to keep him, okay?

Alan Davies

I absolutely shat myself.

Stephen Fry

Absolutely shat yourself, my god.

S1 E15 Unfinished Business

View quote →

Stephen Fry

How much sleep does a paradoxical insomniac get?

TTTommy Tiernan

Paradoxical... lots?

Stephen Fry

Well, yes. He does.

Alan Davies

More than he thinks.

Stephen Fry

Yes.

TTTommy Tiernan

It’s like a paradoxical kleptomaniac who leaves things in shops.

S1 E15 Unfinished Business

View quote →

Stephen Fry

There was a story that Alan may remember of Darwin and giant...

Alan Davies

Oh, yeah. Didn’t they all get eaten on the boat?

Stephen Fry

Yeah, they were so delicious, that’s the point.

Phill Jupitus

Wouldn’t it be brilliant if the Origin of Species just halfway through turned into a cookbook. ‘I am basically putting to you all, members of the Royal Society, everything is bloody delicious.’

S1 E15 Unfinished Business

View quote →

Stephen Fry

You're gonna have to have a point for that.

Alan Davies

I'm at plus one, I'm not gonna speak again.

S1 E15 Unfinished Business

View quote →

[On microwaves]

Alan Davies

Now we got one that goes beep, beep, beep...

Phill Jupitus

That's your food slowly reversing out of the kitchen.

S1 E15 Unfinished Business

View quote →

Stephen Fry

[To Alan] Cariad has been bitten by a snake.

Cariad Lloyd

What's happening to me? This is not I'm a Celebrity!

Stephen Fry

What should you do?

Alan Davies

Suck her.

[Forfeit klaxon goes off - SUCK OUT THE VENOM]

Cariad Lloyd

You can't afford it, love.

Stephen Fry

Even when you've been bitten, you're gonna haggle prices?

Alan Davies

You soon drop your prices once you've tried it.

S1 E15 Unfinished Business

View quote →

Stephen Fry

The Maribou Stork is often given the label The Ugliest Bird in the Animal Kingdom.

Sue Perkins

That's not fair.

Stephen Fry

OK, name an uglier one.

Alan Davies

Oh, don't make me say it!

Stephen Fry

[Firmly] No!

Alan Davies

Edwina Currie.

S1 E15 Unfinished Business

View quote →

Stephen Fry

How many legs does a kangaroo have?

Alan Davies

Oh, don’t say any numbers. Just don’t say any numbers.

S1 E15 Unfinished Business

View quote →

Alan Davies

I think the question is flawed.

Stephen Fry

How so?

Alan Davies

Because if I’d had my dirt-hole burgled without my knowledge, I wouldn’t know about it, would I?

Stephen Fry

Touché. You’re absolutely right.

Alan Davies

So, I don’t know.

Stephen Fry

Is the right answer.

Alan Davies

Possibly.

S1 E15 Unfinished Business

View quote →

Alan Davies

My favourite one from the Spanish Inquisition was, they'd put a pole up your anus and they put it in such a way that it avoids all your vital organs and comes out by your shoulder and then they just leave you there for people to look at.

Matt Lucas

I like the first part of that.

S1 E15 Unfinished Business

View quote →

Stephen Fry

People think, you know, sailors fall in love with mermaids, and how can they consummate their relationship?

Alan Davies

Fertilise the eggs, Stephen.

Stephen Fry

Exactly, it’s very simple. She lays her eggs on a rock or something, and you go and fertilise them. What’s the problem?

Phill Jupitus

The sailor has to sail back to his waters where he was spawned, and take the mermaid with him. So he has to go back to, I don’t know, Dorking, find a pond, pop his new fish-wife in there.