Alan Davies quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

They have no anuses.

Alan Davies

Ooohh, thank God for that!

Stephen Fry

Unfortunately Alan, unfortunately, the fact they have no anuses, means that when they die, a whole life time of waste is deposited on your face. That is what happens...

Ross Noble

Is this 14% of waste you can see?

Stephen Fry

No. But what...

Ross Noble

That's a lovely tan you've got there Stephen...

Stephen Fry

How do all-female battles differ from all-male battles?

Alan Davies

They tidy up afterwards.

Stephen Fry

I don't want to make hasty judgements about Pakistan, but...you’ve got the Taliban, hello?

Sami Shah

Yeah, but other than them, it's nice.

Alan Davies

But Stephen, the Naan! The Naan!

Stephen Fry

Who gets the most use out of a man engine?

Alan Davies

A woman. [Laughter] Can't believe that [the forfeit klaxon] didn't go off.

Stephen Fry

Do you want to know what the forfeit was? [Deep voice] 'You do, Stephen.' I said, 'No! No-one's going to say that.' And you didn't.

Sue Perkins

We’ve moved beyond.

Stephen Fry

What are the three most manly games?

Alan Davies

It's not gonna be Tiddlywinks isn't it?

Stephen Fry

There are lots of places in the UK named after mammaries. Can you name one?

Alan Davies

Boob Town.

Stephen Fry

[Laughing.] Boob Town? Can you name a real one?

Sue Perkins

Great Tit-chfield.

Alan Davies

The Mountains of Boob.

Sue Perkins

[Laughing.] The Mountains of Boob.

Alan Davies

I haven't understood any of the words so far.

Stephen Fry

Macerating, what do you think that means?

Alan Davies

No, I don't know. Something you do in the garden, I'd've thought.

Stephen Fry

No, that's masturbating.

Rhod Gilbert

You clearly have a much more private garden than I've got.

Stephen Fry

Which place in the world beginning with M holds the worlds deadest parties?

Alan Davies

Milton Keynes.

Alan Davies

[About the klaxon.] Why weren’t things going off then? If I’d said things, it would all have gone off!

Rhod Gilbert

Finally you’ve worked out the pattern.

Alan Davies

Whenever you guessing things, it goes off! That’s how it works. Just cos she’s a girl.

Stephen Fry

Oh, now.

Cariad Lloyd

Aw, she’s a girl who knew the right answer.

Stephen Fry

Who invented the motorway?

Alan Davies

Mr. Way.

Sandi Toksvig

It's like Paul Daniels was in the room.

Alan Davies

He was in the bag.

Alan Davies

I've never had, in 14 years, people eating sweets in the front row.

Stephen Fry

What the hell?

Alan Davies

And now I can't think about anything else!

Stephen Fry

You can have them back at the end of the lesson!

Jimmy Carr

I feel really bad for those people. 'Cause, obviously, you're just sat there watching an episode of QI and then, suddenly, the telly gets up and nicks your sweets!

Stephen Fry

It’s midsummer in the UK. To the nearest hour, what time does day become night?

Alan Davies

10?

Alan Davies

I was gonna say 1.

Jimmy Carr

Is it..? I’m only saying this, I’ve got no rationale at all, is it noon? Because it’s always something weird on this show. ‘Oh no, it’s actually night time in the middle of the day. You’re all idiots, you’ve been doing it wrong.’

Stephen Fry

In midsummer, there is no night in Britain.

Alan Davies

There’s no night. There’s no night, Danny. [Runs a hand over his face.]

Stephen Fry

It’s constant twilight.

Alan Davies

Oh, bollocks. It gets dark. [Runs both hands over his face.]

Jimmy Carr

Constant Twilight sounds like a really good indie album.

Stephen Fry

It does, doesn’t it?

Stephen Fry

When is the best time to charge your mobile phone?

Alan Davies

At night!

Stephen Fry

That’s good. Yeah. Might be.

Alan Davies

Oh, really? I thought that would go off. ‘There is no night, you fool!’

Alan Davies

Can I say, I don’t think we’re getting the best out of my costume.

Stephen Fry

Show the ladies and gentlemen.

Alan Davies

Look, I’ve got a tail. And I’ve got feet and everything. And it’s all out of sight below the desk, Stephen.