Alan Davies quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

Now, a question especially for Alan to lose points with in this lucky losers show. Which mammal has the most cells in its body?

Alan Davies

Blue whale.

Stephen Fry

It does. And you get a lot of points for that. It’s the blue whale bonus and you get points. And what do points mean? Bad surprises.

Alan Davies

What?

Stephen Fry

Which day is added to a leap year?

Alan Davies

February the 29th.

Stephen Fry

Ah, well done, absolutely.

Alan Davies

Right. Well it is. I’m standing my ground on this one.

Alan Davies

A blue whale at a birthday party? Well, they take up a lot of room. You’d need a big hall.

Stephen Fry

Yep.

That’s good, I think you’re getting there.

Alan Davies

Yeah? That’s good encouragement, thanks, Richard.

That’s okay.

Alan Davies

It’d be fun for the kids to get inside, couldn’t they? Play around.

Bouncy castle.

Stephen Fry

Bouncy asshole, did you say?

No. I didn’t, but by all means...

Stephen Fry

Now, who said, ‘the most beautiful girl or woman in the world would be a matter of indifference to me, but tall soldiers, they are my weakness’?

Alan Davies

You did.

Stephen Fry

What human endurance record gets broken every 8 months?

Alan Davies

Pregnancy.

Stephen Fry

How many moons does the earth have?

Alan Davies

Oh, God.

Most definitely, only one.

Stephen Fry

Oh dear, of course. It had to be that.

Jimmy Carr

What is the moon? I think I'm with him.

Alan Davies

They changed it.

The one and only moon!

Stephen Fry

What’s the world’s longest experiment?

Alan Davies

QI.

Stephen Fry

Would you rather get an eMail from a Spanish Prisoner or a Nigerian Prince?

Colin Lane

A Nigerian Prince.

Stephen Fry

Why's that? [slightly under-breath] Please pray.

Colin Lane

What?

Stephen Fry

Why's that?

Colin Lane

I have no reason, I'm using the 50/50 rule.

Stephen Fry

Both are pretty bad options, to be honest.

Colin Lane

Can you trust a Nigerian Prince?

Stephen Fry

Have you never had one of those eMails?

Colin Lane

No, actually, I don't.

Stephen Fry

Oh, of course, because Australian Internet connection is so slow, you probably don't even get eMails. You certainly can't download movies or anything. [Colin gets up to leave] I mean, I love the country: it's not your fault.

Alan Davies

He's only going over there, because that's the only place he can get Wi-Fi.

Colin Lane

[Mocking Stephen] "I love the country, but I do love so much to hang shit on it, as much as I possibly can..."

Stephen Fry

They deliberately use spelling mistakes and use bad grammar. Why would they do that?

Alan Davies

To attract Australians?

Stephen Fry

We already know what Australians are like at losing things. We've known 3 times out of 4.

Colin Lane

What's the most recent result?

Stephen Fry

OK, we'll take 3 out of 4.

Stephen Fry

Describe the aviation techniques of the concrete arrows.

Alan Davies

Concrete can’t really fly, Stephen, can they, cos it’s very heavy.

Stephen Fry

Well, are you saying a jumbo jet isn’t heavy?

Alan Davies

[After a pause.] Good point.

Stephen Fry

Even more of a military leader.

Alan Davies

Not Hitler.

Stephen Fry

Adolf, as you rightly say, Hit-, as you pointed out, -ler.

Stephen Fry

What did Typhoid Mary die of?

Alan Davies

Oh, don’t start.

Stephen Fry

What's the most dangerous thing you can find in doctors waiting rooms?

Matt Lucas

Ah, a copy of the Daily Telegraph.

Stephen Fry

It sounds odd, but a bear can't be wiped down.

Alan Davies

You've tried.

Stephen Fry

You can, obviously...

Alan Davies

You've wiped down a lot of bears, come on Stephen.

Stephen Fry

13.5% of hard toys...

Alan Davies

Don't google that whatever you do. Don't google hard toys. Don't google wiping down bears.

Ross Noble

Certainly no Winnie the Filthy Shit.

Stephen Fry

Who's having sex on your face right now?

Alan Davies

Bacteria. [To Lucy Porter] It’s usually bacteria, so go with me on this one.