Stephen Fry quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

What I want you to do first is tell me all about the twelve Frenchmen and the twelve mosquitoes.

Dara Ó Briain

Once upon a time, there were twelve Frenchmen called... 'Appy, Sleepy, Arrogant, Furieux, Un Chose Comme Ca, Bof and Zut Alors. And...

Phill Jupitus

That's six!

Dara Ó Briain

Fenètre, Boulangerie...

Alan Davies

Le Table.

Dara Ó Briain

Le Table, of course. And Jambon et Fromage, the twins. And they used to travel around with mosquitoes...

Phill Jupitus

And what were the mosquitoes called?

Bill Bailey

Buzzy, Stingy...

Dara Ó Briain

It was a very, very low-rent 1950's French detective series, that involved, at some point, the extraction of a tiny amount of blood from one of the suspects.

Stephen Fry

When the Titanic sank, what was the first thing that happened to the crew?

Phill Jupitus

Terrible luck for them, but they actually had their six-month review...

Stephen Fry

Every single member of the crew had their wages stopped at the moment of the sinking. The moment a ship sinks, it is not a ship, therefore you can't work on it, therefore the White Star Line paid them up to the minute of the sinking.

Phill Jupitus

I would imagine that in a sinking situation, you'd hope to be getting time and a half.

Phill Jupitus

Is it true that someone dressed as a lady to escape detection?

Stephen Fry

Yes, apparently it is true, because it was women and children first.

Bill Bailey

[chuckling] I thought you said "someone dressed as a baby".

Phill Jupitus

[posh accent] "Yes, goo-goo indeed. I have a lollipop and I have no control over my urinary functions. I am, in fact, an infant. And I know you think I'm Lord Albemarle, but I am in fact a little baby. With a beard. Yes, goo-goo, gaa-gaa. And madam, may I tell you I've been a very naughty baby?"

Stephen Fry

... and I use the word books very loosely, like... The DaVinci Code. (spits) It is complete loose stool water. It is arse-gravy of the worst kind.

Alan Davies

He was a blues singer... "Please welcome Lou Stool Water!"

Stephen Fry

One in thirty million people risk dying by being murdered, the risk of choking to death is one in a hundred and twenty million, the risk of dying by tea cosy is one in twenty billion. There is, however, a one in two hundred and fifty seven thousand chance of you dying today during this programme.

Jimmy Carr

… What have you got planned for Round Two?

Stephen Fry

What is three times more dangerous than war?

Jimmy Carr

...three wars?

Stephen Fry

You are three times more likely to die at work than at war.

Alan Davies

Does that include soldiers?

Stephen Fry

There was a story during the Terror of the French Revolution, that two members of the National Assembly were guillotined and their heads put in the same bag straight away, and one bit the other so hard they couldn't be separated. Just the heads.

Jimmy Carr

That's holding a grudge, isn't it? For all intents and purposes, you're dead, let it go! Yeah, you didn't get on, whatever!

Stephen Fry

They were French.

Jimmy Carr

It's the reason they should allow people to walk down the railway tracks if they so wish. If they can't work out a train's coming... [shrugs]

Stephen Fry

Right.

Jimmy Carr

Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine. [points around audience] You know who you are.

Stephen Fry

Another dangerous sport is russian roulette of course.

Alan Davies

That's dangerous. In the early days, you had a musket. You'd only have the one.

Arthur Smith

I had occasion to hire a theatrical duck, once …

Clive Anderson

A luvvie duck!

In my career, I've had occasion to hire many, many an animal, but the most expensive was a pelican.

Stephen Fry

Was it an enormous bill?

Stephen Fry

Name something quite interesting that kangaroos can’t do.

Alan Davies

They can’t drive.

Liza Tarbuck

Cats mating, it can be a quite exclusive little gang, whereas dogs, they can run riots, so you could have a Great Dane with a Chihuahua.

Stephen Fry

It's a nice image.

Alan Davies

It would involve a stepladder. Or a ditch.

Stephen Fry

What's the most interesting thing a dog can smell?

[presses buzzer] A dog's dinner?

Stephen Fry

Yes. To a dog that is the most interesting thing a dog can smell.

Alan Davies

Other than that, another dog's bottom.

Stephen Fry

Yeah. Oh.

Stephen Fry

Oh, there you are. Oh, no.

Jeremy Clarkson

My crotch. [laughter] Well, they all do.

Stephen Fry

Can you blame them? They're only flesh and blood...