Dara Ó Briain quotes from QI

Dara Ó Briain

[explaining how to pour Guinness correctly] Five-twelfths of an inch is the ideal head around the top, and if somebody paints a shamrock into it, you're allowed to stab them in the eye with a fork.

Dara Ó Briain

I do remember once going out with a lady who was raised atheist, and an utter chore to walk around the gallery with. They go, 'who's the guy on the sticks? Is he the same guy who was in the shed earlier on?'

Dara Ó Briain

it doef feem like a bad move in a fpoken wowd comedy fhow, I'm chofing my wowds vewy cawefully hewe, to effenfially difable the fouw conteftants.

Stephen Fry

[To Rich Hall on the American meaning of Biscuit] You have Biscuits and Gravy, don't you? Tell the ladies and gentlemen what that is.

Dara Ó Briain

Oh, Traveller from an arcane land.

Stephen Fry

(As if speaking to a young child) What do your people eat?

Rich Hall

Everything!

Alan Davies

See what happens on this show, Dara, is he (gestures to Stephen) thinks I'm an idiot.

Dara Ó Briain

Yeah, well you think my name is an anagram of diarrhoea, so... I’m really on their side at the moment.

Stephen Fry

What I want you to do first is tell me all about the twelve Frenchmen and the twelve mosquitoes.

Dara Ó Briain

Once upon a time, there were twelve Frenchmen called... 'Appy, Sleepy, Arrogant, Furieux, Un Chose Comme Ca, Bof and Zut Alors. And...

Phill Jupitus

That's six!

Dara Ó Briain

Fenètre, Boulangerie...

Alan Davies

Le Table.

Dara Ó Briain

Le Table, of course. And Jambon et Fromage, the twins. And they used to travel around with mosquitoes...

Phill Jupitus

And what were the mosquitoes called?

Bill Bailey

Buzzy, Stingy...

Dara Ó Briain

It was a very, very low-rent 1950's French detective series, that involved, at some point, the extraction of a tiny amount of blood from one of the suspects.

Stephen Fry

There are dozens of religions in world mythology that have visits by wise men, kings who killed children to stop the new king from being born. There's a great deal in Christianity that's traditional. And however wonderful people think the story is, it's frankly not original.

Dara Ó Briain

That is an interesting direction to start a Christmas Special with.

Dara Ó Briain

[in thick Irish accent] And they stuck All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day around the time people were celebrating …

Stephen Fry

You know, I don't think there is an Arseholes Day.

Dara Ó Briain

You and your liberal agenda.

Stephen Fry

By the way, does anyone know, incidentally, what is the best opening move of Paper, Scissors, Stone?

Dara Ó Briain

If you say, "You go first"

Jo Brand

Is it a real rock?

Stephen Fry

And 5 is Corsica, I suppose...

Dara Ó Briain

5?! They really have very little to do in Corsica do they?

Stephen Fry

Can you tell me what sort of person kisses 5 times? "Cors-i-can!"

Alan Davies

You know when you find a bee, and it's crawling on its last legs.

Rob Brydon

I always rescue them.

Alan Davies

You give it honey. It's the only thing they eat, makes sense when you think about it.

Alan Davies

No point in just talking to it. Give it honey!

David Mitchell

They're very much a one-recipe species, aren't they?

Dara Ó Briain

I'm intrigued, because I would, um, I generally give it a sole of my shoe. You know, not to be harsh, but…

Alan Davies

[exasperated] You step on a struggling, crawling bee? Trying to get back to the hive?

Dara Ó Briain

What? As opposed to rehabilitate it?

Alan Davies

I like honey! I have it on my porridge! You murderer!

David Mitchell

[after the argument has gone on for a while] But isn't it true, though, that a bee, in its entire lifetime, makes absolutely tiny amount of honey overall? So you don't have to give much rehabilitating honey to this one bee before the nation, the world, is making a net loss! I mean, it's useless. If you only get one teaspoon of honey from a whole bee's lifetime, and every time you have to get it back on its feet it takes a teaspoon and a half, suddenly there's no honey at all! You're insulting it apart from anything else! It's like showing a very tired mason a whole cathedral!

Alan Davies

I thought you were supposed to play natural sounds because the noises of contemporary life are extremely distractive and create behavioral difficulties. That's why you mustn't have television on 'til they're four, or something like that.

Dara Ó Briain

That's not how parenting works, my friend. You have the television - you train them to like the television as quickly as you possibly can!

Alan Davies

[laughing] Because there was no ADHD until television was invented, they kind of coincide…

Dara Ó Briain

They're happy with HD, my friend.

Stephen Fry

How old are you?

Graham Norton

[flirtatiously] How old do I look?

Alan Davies

[flirtatiously] How old do I feel?

David Mitchell

Just shows you the effect of this game, though. You ask a question, all four of us think: "That is something I definitely know the answer to, but I've been made so uncertain, and frightened about that, [motions behind himself - referring to the klaxon] that I'm not even willing to give my own age, name, or address".

Dara Ó Briain

How can it be a trap? How can this possibly be a trap? I AM thirty-seven. Look! [hits the buzzer - Dublin, Ó Briain] Thirty-seven! There we go. No points lost...

Dara Ó Briain

BUT THAT'S NOT WRONG!

David Mitchell

DON'T ACCEPT IT: YOU ARE!

Dara Ó Briain

I actually am!

Graham Norton

We should all do it.

David Mitchell

Yeah, alright. [hits the buzzer - Peterhouse, Mitchell] 34.

Stephen Fry

34, eh?

David Mitchell

34.

Stephen Fry

[to Graham] You don't want to do this, do you?

Graham Norton

No, I'll do it. [hits the buzzer - Cork, Norton] Graham Norton, 46.

Alan Davies

I'm not doing it...

Dara Ó Briain

I gonna have go to them to get them to talk and I was in Liverpool at The Strip, I start with dreams about the occasion of having a dream about a famous person and some bloke in the crowd shared with us that he had a dream about Kate Winslet. And I said "Oh!" and I said "Was it a sexy dream?" and he said "No, she turned me down" [general laughter] In his own head! And I said to him "Were you disappointed?" and he said "Naw, I didn't hit her with my best stuff".

Stephen Fry

That's very strange.

Alan Davies

I had a dream about Kate Winslet and in my dream it didn't turn out well either.

Dara Ó Briain

Wow, she's like the Freddie Krueger of teases.

Dara Ó Briain

No one has ever fallen on a banana peel. No one’s slid on a banana peel... Presumably the only person...

Dara Ó Briain

You? You’re kidding. The one person in history.

Jimmy Carr

That is a commitment to comedy, Alan. Well done.

Stephen Fry

Was this in comedy school, or once you’d graduated?

Alan Davies

No, it was in Chapel Market in Islington. It’s a fruit and veg market.

Stephen Fry

That’s a likely place to find one.

Alan Davies

I did actually tread on a banana. And you really go. I mean, they are incredible.