Stephen Fry quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

The Chinese also invented the loo roll. Name 3 other Chinese inventions

Alan Davies

Pot Noodles

Bill Bailey

Whispers

Stephen Fry

Who is this?

Alan Davies

Eros.

Stephen Fry

Well, thank you for falling into our little heffalump trap there. It’s actually the Angel of Christian Charity.

Alan Davies

Eros.

Stephen Fry

Eros was the Greek god of love. This is the Angel of Christian Charity.

Alan Davies

Why is it called Eros, then?

Bill Bailey

I saw a goat up a tree in Morocco. They go right up the top! I couldn't believe it, I thought it was somebody in the pub having me on, but no …

Stephen Fry

And you're sure it was a tree, not a goathanger?

Stephen Fry

What does a pair of pygmy chimpanzees do when they see a box?

Wear children's clothes and have a tea party.

Stephen Fry

An octopus the size of a volleyball can fit into a soft drink can.

Bill Bailey

Er, bluff.

Stephen Fry

After a lifetime working with radioactivity, what did Marie Curie have two of?

Alan Davies

Lesbians.

Stephen Fry

She had two lesbians? She left them in her will to someone.

Stephen Fry

What is the Italian for cuttlefish? Do you know by any chance??

Alan Davies

Cuttlefishio?

John Sessions

I was always taught to do that. You actually twist it …

Stephen Fry

Yeah, twist, exactly. That's it.

Where do you get taught these things?

Stephen Fry

Well, where did you go to school, Mark Steel?

I went to Swanley Comprehensive, and that was every Tuesday morning we did Double Champagne Opening!

Stephen Fry

This was at a party given by their graces the Duke and Duchess of Westminster—

Stephen Fry

Oh, no! Come on! No! No! Fair dos! No!

Clive Anderson

The richest man in the country apart from Roman Abramovich.

Stephen Fry

I never penetrated his intimate circle, but …

Stephen Fry

Anyway, Celtic nations but especially Caledonia are rightly praised for their creativity, so name three Scottish inventions.

Clive Anderson

Oh, and you're gonna say they weren't invented in Scotland, are you?

Stephen Fry

I don't know, depends on what you say.

Clive Anderson

Well, the television is always the one that's sort of claimed...

Alan Davies

Why is pussy another word for front bottom?

Stephen Fry

I don't know, it's not my area of expertise.

Stephen Fry

Anyway, back to Cleve Crudgington and his corks.

Alan Davies

Did he insert them into his person?

Stephen Fry

You will never know how thin the ice upon which you just skated was, there. We had a little forfeit all ready for you.

Stephen Fry

Oh, there it is. We know that’s what you were thinking.

Phill Jupitus

So I'll have to get into a bath full of spiders?

Jo Brand

You can do it two ways. You can do a graded desensitization, where you're gradually exposed to spiders, or you can do something called flooding, where you just get chucked in with them.

Stephen Fry

This is cognitive therapy, isn't it?

Jo Brand

Well, it's more sort of behavioural therapy really, because it's cheap.

Phill Jupitus

I think I'll settle with just screaming like a girl and running around the house, if that's alright with you.

Stephen Fry

[reading from a card] It says here a good cocker would think nothing of cleaning his cock's wounded head by sticking it in his mouth and sucking it clean.

Phill Jupitus

You're watching QI for the Straight Guy!

Stephen Fry

The original stories were quite gruesome. When the ugly sisters tried to slip into the slipper, they cut off their toes and their bunions to try and squeeze in, and the slippers filled with blood.

Jo Brand

They probably got that idea from Trinny and Susannah.