Carlton Lassiter quotes from Psych

Lassiter

I hate snow globes.

Shawn

Huh. That's strange, because my psychic sense told me specifically that snow globes didn't give you nightmares of being trapped in a clear ball with snow that burned your skin off.

Lassiter

Who keeps telling people I like snow globes?!

Shawn

The Christmas spirits told me to give this to you.

Buzz

Oh my goodness, a Daisy Red Ryder! I had one of these when I was a kid. It was the reason I wanted to become a policeman.

Shawn

Well, Merry Christmas, from me and Gus.

Buzz

Thanks, guys.

Gus

He's gonna shoot his eye out.

Shawn

Yes he is.

Gus

That was amazing. How did you know that?

Shawn

Uh, the room where I take naps shares a vent with the room where they do the psychological evals. Lassie!

Lassiter

I-I hate snow globes.

Shawn

Well, that's strange. My psychic senses told me specifically that snow globes didn't give you nightmares about being trapped in a clear ball with snow that burns your skin off. Merry Christmas from me and Gus! [turns to Juliet] Mr. Mittens says it felt just like going to sleep and he doesn't hold it against you at all. Kitty heaven? It's just like East Beach.

Juliet

That is the best news ever.

Gus

Merry Christmas, from both Shawn and--

Shawn

Whoa, whoa, this is a very special gift that's clearly just from me. Don't appropriate. Not at Christmastime.

Lassiter

Alright! Who keeps telling people I want snow globes for Christmas?!

Lassiter

[about his date] We met at the Santa Barbara Bowl at the Ravi Shankar concert last week, and she asked me out on a date.

Gus

Who goes to someone else's reunion when they barely even know them?

Shawn

Who goes to a Ravi Shankar concert?

Juliet

What are you doing?

Lassiter

Oh, I'm just talking to your friend Blair here. She...she's great. We have so much in common.

Juliet

She's not my friend.

Lassiter

What do you mean? You didn't send her down here to meet me?

Juliet

No. I don't invite friends to dangerous stakeouts. But I know her. She's a professional.

Lassiter

[to Blair] Please tell me you're a hit-man.

Shawn

Don't I get a phone call or something?

Lassiter

No.

Shawn

Fine. How about a text message? I'll be quick, I just need to respond "OMG LOL." Here's a question: how do you make a face that's winking with the tongue coming out one side?

Lassiter

Spencer, I'd appreciate in the future if you'd just play with your life.

Shawn

Oh, come on, Lassie. If Derek hadn't caved, I would have just deactivated [the bomb] myself. It's very easy, you just clip the red wire and the green wire at the same time.

Juliet

Uh, Shawn, there is no green wire.

Shawn

Really? Well in that case, we all would have died.

Gus

I can't get over it. After all this time the chief never said she had a sister.

Shawn

Strange.

Lassiter

And such an alluring sister at that.

Shawn

Creepy.

Shawn

[spelling] T-H-E-S-E-A-L-I-O-N.

Lassiter

Thesealion? Is that French?

Pinniped.

Lassiter

I'm gonna kill you Spencer.

Shawn

I never told you that the victim wasn't a sea lion.

Gus

Before we get started we always like to ask a few preliminary questions. Standard stuff.

Lassiter

Ok, fire away.

Gus

Ok, umm. Let's see: one, did you kill that guy?

Shawn

Lassie, good news - we got you a grape one.

Lassiter

Told you I don't want a Popsicle.

Shawn

Ah, I guess we'll have to share this one.

Gus

How do you share a Popsicle?

Shawn

I take a lick, you take a lick, I take a lick, you take a lick, I take a lick.

Vick

Who gave you access to the file room?

Shawn

Irrelevant! And, immaterial.

Lassiter

Chief, you're not going to let him do that thing where he only uses courtroom jargon, are you?

Vick

Mr. Spencer...

Shawn

He's making a mockery of these proceedings! All I'm saying is that she's making a very compelling argument.

You're an idiot.

Shawn

That's less compelling. Move to strike.

Please remove him.

Lassiter

Gladly.

Shawn

Sidebar, Ms. Conrad.

Lassiter

A dead body changes things.

Shawn

That's his email signature.

Lassiter

I want our killer--

Shawn

Arsassin! Or karsonist?

Gus

Arsassin.

Lassiter

This could be our killer.

Shawn

Furderer.

Lassiter

What?

Shawn

Fire murderer... furderer.

Shawn

We have found our arsonurderer.

Gus

What?

Shawn

Firearsman.

Gus

Uh-uh.

Shawn

Señor pantalones del fuego?

Shawn

Guys, please. Can we come up a term that covers both a killer AND an arsonist? How about "arsassin"?

Lassiter

I want our killer--

Shawn

Arsassin! Or karsonist?

Gus

Arsassin.

Shawn

We have found our arsonurderer.

Gus

What?

Shawn

Firearsman.

Gus

Uh-uh.

Shawn

Señor pantalones del fuego?

Lassiter

This could be our killer.

Shawn

Furderer.

Lassiter

What?

Shawn

Fire murderer...furderer.