Carlton Lassiter quotes from Psych

Juliet

Google "missing foot"? That was your plan?

Lassiter

Well, not all of it.

Shawn

What about Ryan's assassins?

Lassiter

You should call either the Loch Ness Monster or Bigfoot. If you get in trouble, I'm sure they'd be happy to help.

Shawn

First of all, Bigfoot and I haven't spoken in five years. Six if you don't count his cousin's wedding, which was literally like, "Hey, B!" "Blerrrgh."

Lassiter

Are you in my apartment?

Shawn

Please. I haven't snuck into your apartment for weeks. Which reminds me, you're all out of peanut butter.

Lassiter

Can you believe that? A high-ranking member of U.S. law enforcement not being allowed to carry his weapon on him?

Juliet

Did you really think it wouldn't set off the metal detector?

Lassiter

I've got to get my hands on a gun, O'Hara. I have enemies everywhere. Maybe I can pick one up at the hotel.

Juliet

Oh, absolutely, right downstairs in the gift shop. They have Kleenex, mixed nuts, and 9-millimeter Lugers.

Hell, I wasn't even gonna call you out here but Binky insisted.

Gus

Binky?

Oh. You don't call him Binky?

Shawn

We do now!

Lassiter

Sheriff Hank, why don't you tell the boys here what the problem been here.

Well, it started out as simple vandalism. Somebody's been stealing our wood from sidewalks, buildings, fence posts.

Shawn

Wood thieves. My first instinct is beavers, but I'm not willing to rule out those pesky Keebler elves.

Lassiter

What the hell is going on here?

Shawn

This is called 19-card stud.

Gus

Regular poker is too complicated. It makes it easier to get pairs.

Shawn

Plus anything with a picture is wild.

Lassiter

Why aren't you two out interviewing suspects, or feeling the walls, or whatever the hell it is you do? At least do something!

Shawn

Man, I tried. I did. These people are kind of mean. It's a tough racket being sheriff, Lassie. Besides, I gotta go gun down that Stinky Feet fellow in about 20 minutes.

Gus

Stinky Pete.

Shawn

You wouldn't understand; you've never killed a man.

Lassiter

Yes, I have.

Shawn

Yeah, but you've never pretended to kill one. Repeatedly. I struggle with it every time.

Gus

Two times now.

Shawn

Yep, both times.

Lassiter

Well, while you two were sitting here playing Cowboys and Indians...

Shawn

Uh, uh, just Cowboys, Lassie.

Gus

Playing Injuns is offensive.

Lassiter

I didn't say Injuns, Guster.

Gus

That's what I heard.

Shawn

Me too.

Lassiter

Kiss my sweet... [nun walks by] ...love biscuits.

Gus

I don't know if you made that any less offensive.

Lassiter

[to Shawn] Nice shooting, Detective.

Shawn

Did you just call me detective?

Lassiter

No.

Lassiter

Have at it. Who knows, maybe you'll solve the great ice cream crime caper of the century?

Shawn

Crime of the century, huh? Still have 91 years to solve that one. Gus and I are gonna pace ourselves. We accept.

Lassiter

[to Henry] Spencer, what the hell are you doing?

Shawn

Which Spencer are you talking to?

Lassiter

What does it matter? You're the same person!

Shawn

Am not!

Henry

[to Lassiter] Well, come on, Mr. Viability.

Lassiter

There was a pretty good chance I was bitten by a tick back there... I could be going through the beginning stages of Lyme disease.

Henry

Oh man up.

Lassiter

You're juicing, aren't you? I knew it.

Henry

Think you can pick up the pace, Mr. Viability?

Lassiter

There's an excellent chance I was bitten by a tick back there. I could be going through the beginning stages of Lyme disease.

Henry

Man up, Detective

Lassiter

What is it? Steroids, right? You're juicing, aren't you? I knew it.

Lassiter

You brought a date to the crime scene?

Shawn

It was either this or ice skating.

Lassiter

Okay, so here are my findings. Turns out Juliet's boyfriend was working for a company owned by the infamous J.T. Waring.

Gus

Who?

Shawn

Come on, Gus, she wrote all the "Harry Potter"s.

Gus

That's J.K. Rowling, Shawn.