Carlton Lassiter quotes from Psych

Shawn

You know, if this is some sort of hazing ritual and we're gonna end up naked in a field, I'll need to arrange for a ride first.

Lassiter

Spencer, if I see you anywhere near this case, I'll throw every book I can find at you.

Shawn

Oh yeah? And what if you find the Bible? Are you gonna throw that too? Seems a little sacrilegious to me don't you think?

Shawn

Good morning, detectives! Are we collecting donations for the policeman's ball?

Lassiter

We don't have balls.

Shawn

I honestly have no response to that.

Lassiter

Need I remind you, Mr. Spencer, what happens when you interfere with a police investigation?

Shawn

Uhh... the case gets solved?

Vick

My water just broke.

Lassiter

Are you sure?

Vick

No, Carlton, there's water spilling out of me for some other reason!

Lassiter

Oh no... Oh, can you move my briefcase?

Lassiter

There is something I've got to get off my chest.

Shawn

Is it your shirt? Please say no.

Lassiter

Can I tell you a secret?

Shawn

I wouldn't recommend it, no.

Shawn

You OK?

Lassiter

Alright, I'll bite. What's the joke?

Shawn

Just want to make sure you got home alright last night.

Lassiter

From what?

Shawn

From the bar.

Lassiter

What bar?

Juliet

You were at a bar?

Lassiter

No, I wasn't at a bar! I don't drink.

Juliet

You don't drink?

Lassiter

Well, a bit of wine at weddings. An occasional snifter of brandy. Maybe a good single-malt scotch.

Gus

Sounds like drinking to me.

Lassiter

Spencer, why don't you stop making up stories, OK, that are obviously bogus?

Shawn

OK, so you were not at Tom Blair's Pub last night?

Lassiter

I don't even know who Tom Blair is.

Shawn

Mmmhmm. And how'd you get that sweet, uh, bruise on your forehead?

Lassiter

I had an altercation.

Shawn

Yes. With a table.

Lassiter

Scratch that, I'm gonna let you guys stick around and see what real detectives do.

Shawn

Sweet. Just let us know when they arrive.

Lassiter

You missed something. We found prints.

Shawn

Was he in a little red corvette?

Gus

Under a cherry moon?

Lassiter

FINGER-prints!

Lassiter

I'm gonna crack her like a bad back!

Please don't.

Juliet

Shawn, how do you know this?

Shawn

The same way that I know that as a child Lassie wanted nothing more than a pony.

Lassiter

Oh, come on. Who didn't?

Gus

Anyone who wasn't an 8 year-old girl.

Is there something wrong with you, Mr. Spencer?

Lassiter

You picked today to ask him that question?

Lassiter

Where is the restaurant manager?

Shawn

Probably inside managing the restaurant.

Lassiter

[after Shawns wipes makeup off of suspect's forehead] He's wearing makeup!

Is he gay?

Shawn

No! ...Um, maybe. [pause] Look, I... I don't know.

Shawn

[sees Lassiter and gasps] It's a miracle!

Gus

Thank God you're all right!

Shawn

We heard a cop named Lassie died. Jules, tell me you got the flowers.

Lassiter

Lassie III was a retired police dog.

Gus

From the obit, it's amazing what you two had in common--strong, dedicated, loyal.

Shawn

Bouts with ringworm, expressive eyes, goes like this after he poops. [theatrically wipes his feet on the ground]

Lassiter

Just so we're clear, [he holds his hand high]Cops are here. [he holds up his other hand, much further down] Bounty hunters are here. [he moves the first hand directly on top of the second] And psychics are here.

Gus

Dude, we beat out bounty hunters!

Lassiter

By a knuckle.

Shawn

Where are orthodontists on this list?