Parks and Recreation · Season 1
I cannot wait to hear your Travolta.
Uh no no no, I'm Sandra Dee. That's more in my register. You're Zuko.
[Cut to karaoke bar where Jamm and Leslie are singing Summer Nights from Grease]
[To karaoke bar worker] I would like to buy five DVDs of this! No twenty! No Sixty! No that's insane. Twenty!
Good news. We have multiple bidders. That guy's getting his financials together. Plans on tearing the whole place down, just wants it for the land.
Why would he tear down a perfectly good cabin?
I think he's a developer who wants to put in a luxury glamp ground. Glamping is Glamour Camping. Heated tents, catered meals, Wi-Fi...
You're describing a hotel.
You know in some weird, perverted, sexual way I'm gonna miss you when you're gone.
Oh...
You are my nemesis. You're the Superman to my Lex Luthor.
You want to be Lex Luthor?
Uhh yeah! Lex Luthor is rich.
Well okay. I can't argue with that.
Ann Arbor!? Sounds disgusting!
She already has family there and I have a new job lined up at the University of Michigan. Go Blue!
...
It's a good town and it's a great place to raise a family.
What is great about it!? There's no JJ's Diner there! There's no "Welcome to Pawnee" sign! I mean the stupid state is split up into two pieces! It's ridiculous!
Unexpected play here Superman. Not entirely sure what you're going for but I dig your gambit.
There is no gambit here Jamm. And who sides with Lex Luthor by the way!? You probably watch Million Dollar Baby and root for the stool.
I haven't seen it. Not a big Morgan Freeman guy. I find his voice very grating.
I am leaving now. I'm not moving I'm just going home.
[After making a deal with Jamm]
Deal guys. You must really want that park.
I do yes. And to tell you the truth, I'd doing it all for my best friend. [talking about Ann]
That's all I wanted to hear. Leslie, you're my best friend too.
...
Are you sure you're okay with what you did?
Well it's not the most ethical thing that I've ever done...but on the flip-side, Jamm is a big, mean dope.
Mmmhmmm
And I hope that this eases some of the pain of us moving away.
Oh I am currently in deep denial that that's happening.
Okay just a reminder guys, today is Leslie's last day as a city counselor so everyone be extra supportive.
Already done. When she walked past me this morning I gave her a kind nod.
...Heartwarming! Also, I wanna get her a present to cheer her up on her last day. Any ideas?
A "sorry you lost your dream job" gift? That's a tough one. Stay away from wine! Wine is crying juice.
Well I mean you know her better than anybody. What does she really want more than anything in the world?
...A nice candle! I'm screwed.
Lucky for me, I've processed all my feelings. And I've gone through the five stages of grief: Denial, anger, internet commenting, cat adoption, African dance, cat returning to the adoption place, watching all the episodes of Murphy Brown, and not giving a flying fart...How many stages it that? I don't know, the point is I'm fine now.
[Ann and Chris are having their ultrasound with Dr. Saperstein]
So look at this baby! That is the most symmetrical fetus I've ever seen. This could be a superhero!
Dr. Saperstein. I know that we should hate you because you destroyed our friend's business but we love you so much!
We love you!
I'm lovable! So, do you wanna know the sex?
Oh my God! Should we?
No, right? Or maybe yes?
Is there an option other than yes or no?
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna write it down. Then I'm gonna put it in an envelope, seal it and then when you're ready, Voila!
That'll be fun!
It's like the Oscars!
Hey let's get some food I'm starving! Wait no, I have to pee. Wait no, I have to barf. Actually all three. Being pregnant is great!
...
[Ann and Chris are having lunch]
I would be thrilled if we have a girl!
Aww tiny dresses! Braids! Glitter on everything! Forget it!
And also girls' names are so cute! Daisy, Annabelle, Lily...
Olive, Rosemary...Chicken...Fifty burritos...Oh my God I'm starving! [To the waitress] Miss! Hi! I'm pregnant and I'm a little bit crazy so if you don't bring our appetizers out in the next 30 seconds I'm gonna plunge your face into the deep fryer!
[The waitress starts nervously walking away]
And also two waters please but no hurry.
Thank you!
[reading Dr. Saperstein's note]
We are having a...distributions.
...
That's what it looks like. "Distributions."
Let me see that. It says "Congratulations"...I think. Then it says "I Leg Smurf," are we having a smurf?
We are having a "Eleven..Jewel...Toilet."
I can't tell what's words and what's punctuation! The suspense is killing me!
I'm calling Dr. Saperstein.
I'm calling Domino's. Think Domino's delivers to this restaurant? I hope so.
Oh good you guys are here! Okay, everybody gather around, I have a big announcement. I'm officially seeking re-election to the Pawnee City Council. I am gonna be running for Dexhart's seat and the campaign starts now.
...
Oh, I love the sound of silence before a big cheer. That's what's happening? Right?
Leslie, no offense, I've heard a lot of bad ideas today. This is the worst.
April?
I would love it if you ran an insane campaign and basically turned into the Joker...but that means you probably shouldn't do it.
Andy?
I don't know Leslie, it seems risky. And I'd hate to see you go through another tough fight. But I could be wrong, I haven't pooped in three days.
Okay Ron, you have always given me sage counsel, and your words carry great influence so what do you think I should do?
I do not think that you should run again.
What the Hell do you know dum-dum!?
Ben bought one hour of my time. I heard you need some consulting?
Well uh...I guess. I mean how are you? How's your family?
Okay I get paid $1200 an hour. Do you really wanna spend any of that time talking about my mother and her 19-year-old Korean husband?
...That does sound fascinating but you're right, let's talk.
Now you might win. You're smart, Ben is smart, you might win. But why would you want to?
Because it's my dream job.
Then dream bigger. Look, you love this town. It’s being run by monsters and morons? Get a better job! Rise above their heads! Effect change at a higher level! Don't be the kid that graduates high school, then hangs out in the school parking lot. Be the woman who moves away, climbs the ladder, and confidently comes back and has sex with her hot old English teacher just for kicks.
Is that what you did?
Yeah, Mr. Baker. Sex was pretty good, thanks to me. Look, Pawnee has done you a favor. You’ve outgrown them. You’ve got talent, you’ve got name recognition, which means that you have a bright, wide open future with a thousand options. State Senate. Federal jobs. Even Congress. All of these are doable for you. And you can trust me...because I don’t care enough about you to lie.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Parks and Recreation pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
