Parks and Recreation · Season 1
Uh oh. Oh time's up. Okay if you want to keep talking you're gonna have to pay me 1200 more dollars.
Uh...I just need to...
I swear to God if you say one more word, you will legally owe me $1200 and I will sue you! Let's not end it like that! Okay. Great to see you Leslie. Those five words are on me. [Starts to move chair back] Should I move this back? Don't answer it!
Okay Ron, enough's enough let's talk plans for Diane's baby shower.
Dear God woman!
Three main activities: baby bingo, baby food tasting and my personal favorite, baby onesie decorating station. I wanna make mine look like an astronaut. What are you doin up there in space baby!? Ugh! So cute! Okay, I have some gift ideas. I was looking at a very adorable stroller.
We already have a stroller. [motions to the corner]
Oh shoot really? I have to think of something else. [Leslie spots baby John in the corner and gasps] Oh my God, whose baby is that!?
That would be mine.
Guys, get in here! Ron has a baby!
Oh, Ron. Cool baby.
Thank you Andrew. Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to my son, John, middle name redacted, Swanson. John was born some time ago weighing multiple pounds and several ounces. Much like his father he is a fan of silence. Please keep your voices down.
How am I supposed to keep my voice down when you had your baby, and you didn't tell me that you had your baby!
Why would you need to know something like that?
[pacing frantically] Why would I!? Oh my God! I have not even sent Diane a gift! She's just walking around wondering why I haven't sent her a gift yet!
Should we do something?
Just let her tire herself out.
If you need anything from us Ron please just let us know.
Actually there is something. Could one of you please stop at the pet store and pick up some fish food for me?
WHEN DID YOU GET A FISH!?
Hey one question: where are you gonna stand? In front of the graffiti that says "Pawnee You Suck" or "Go Home Eagleton Snobs"
I painted over that graffiti a week ago! These people are the worst! I cannot announce a unity concert in front of a picture of a bald eagle giving the middle finger.
Yeah you probably want to stand to the side so people could see it.
A few years ago Eagleton put up this wall along the border, now it is time to tear down this wall!
[Applause from crowd]
In the name of unity I have given some former Eagletonians the first strike. Take it away guys!
[Two Eagletonians smash a hole in the wall]
It's such a great day for... [A swarm of bees erupts from the hole] BEES! BEES! NOBODY PANIC!
[Everyone immediately starts panicking, screaming and running around as the bees attack]
[running away] OHHH NOOO!
AHHHH IT STUNG ME IN THE EYEBALL!
[filming the disaster] Haha oh man this is amazing man! The stupid Eagletonians are totally getting PWNED by these bees! Gonna send this straight to Tosh! [Gets stung] OW FUCK! FUCK!
[shielding April] Don't worry babe I'll protect you! I got stung once, I'm immune. Go ahead and sting me bees! It does nothing!
Leslie, it appears that most of the people who were stung were from Eagleton. How did you pull that off?
I didn't pull anything off. The Eagletonians were simply closest to the wall. Plus one Pawneean was stung...in his mouth because he was laughing at the Eagletonians.
How did you get your bees into the wall and how long did it take to plan this hilarious bee prank on Eagleton?
They were not my bees Todd and for the last time, this was not a prank! I did not know that bees were in that wall! I mean in fact you should treat this like a public service announcement. Everybody...should check their walls for bees!
Nice try prank queen, probably bees in there!
Okay that's all the time I have. [Starts walking out]
What else can you do with your bees!?
Leslie what's your next prank!?
Leslie, Grant Larson is on the phone from the National Parks Service.
I can't meet with him right now. We are in crisis mode okay! Larry, just tell him I need to reschedule because I am trying to fix my bee hole disaster!
Okey dokey.
Wait no! Wait no Larry! Don't tell him that! ...Don't mention my bee hole.
I am so incredibly sorry.
That's very kind of you Miss Knope.
I hope you look a lot less gross very soon.
Hey thanks for coming Knope! I knew we were besties. What do you go there for me? Some dirty mags?
No! These gift baskets are for innocent victims. Not for jerks who got stung because they were laughing at other people's pain!
Whatever. I got a lot of filth on my kindle anyway. We can just hang.
Welcome to Eagleton Now with Mike Patterson. We're live ambushing Leslie Knope who's in the middle of a crass publicity stunt shoving cameras into the faces of these poor, injured victims.
These are your cameras. This is not a publicity stunt. I just came here by myself to apologize to all the Eagletonians who got stung.
Really!? Because all we see is you talking to your friend, known Eagleton hater, Jeremy Jamm.
Excuse me Mike, that's best friend.
Pawneeans and Eagletonians need to find a way to come together and bury the hatchet. It doesn't matter who bailed out who or who seceded from who!
Awesome idea Leslie. Matter of fact, I say we should succeed from Eagleton! Whose dumb-ass idea was it for them to merge anyway!?
Mine! It was my idea!
You heard it here first, self proclaimed dumb-ass Leslie Knope and Councilman Jeremy Jamm are spearheading a Pawnee secession movement. And I for one am sick of it.
The point is, will you go to Prom with me?
Well I thought you'd never ask...because we're nearing forty. Of course I will.
Yay! Prom!
Tom, you're in charge of music.
Aww man. Well alright.
Aww did you wanna DJ little puppy? I didn't know that little puppies could operate an ipod with their little puppy paws.
Ewww. And Booo. This kind of thing is getting out of hand with you two. Ya'll are an official warning.
Wow! Are those Jens Trauder Colored Tabs!? I thought those were discontinued.
They were. I had to order them through some Mexican back channels.
Juan Julio Officina Supplies!? I thought they went out of business!
They did but they opened up a new one in Oxaca.
...What is happening right now?
Fine. I'll go with you because Leslie's making us and we live together and we only have one car right now because you laked mine.
What does laked mean?
I tried to jump it over a lake! Why don't you stay out of our conversations Larry!
Will do! [chuckles and walks off]
We here at the Parks Department have something called the "April Ludgate Summer Solstice Druid Festival and Buffalo Wings Eating Contest" ...I don't know why I let her name it. It's basically a summer internship program.
What brings you to the festering putrid stink hole on the armpit of freedom?
...
That's what he calls City Hall.
Leslie was just telling me about your summer internship and I was thinking about taking it.
[laughing] Oh no no no no! No! I respect your father too much to let his daughter work for free for the government. Why don't you get a paying job for the summer?
Why don't you shut your mustache!?
...
Sorry.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Parks and Recreation pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
