Parks and Recreation · Season 1
Yeah hi, is there, and I'm just guessing here, some kind of medication that you maybe need a lot of and have taken none of or maybe too much of today?
Oh I have a medical condition alright, it's called caring too much! AND IT'S INCURABLE! ...Also, I have eczema.
Alright Donna there's gonna have to be some cut-backs. I mean your job is secure of course. You're basically the glue of this department. But I think Craig's gonna have to go.
No you should keep him. He's crazy intense but I've never met anyone who cares more about this job.
Huh Donna. I'm right here.
No joke. He might care more than you. Honestly if I had to choose between him and me, I'd choose him.
What are you saying, are you thinking about leaving!?
I wasn't planning on it but I could. You know I got the condo in Seattle, the fiance in Denver...
Huh!?
It won't last.
Okay we need to talk!
I'm sorry Ann I can't understand you. You've developed some accent from that new town you might move to!
[Everyone is reacting angrily to Leslie's contracts]
Why are you doing this?
What's the big deal? I'm just trying to stop time with legally binding friendship contracts! What part of that do you not understand!?
You have lost your mind.
[still talking like Tynnyfer] I think you need a spa day Les.
[Everyone storms out]
Fine! You only have to work here until I'm dead! Is that better!?
What in the name of all that is holy is that smell?
Yerba Mate tea. Sweetened with stevia. It's an all-natural plant extract.
Shut your damn mouth.
No need to curse.
There most certainly is!
Okay all Eagleton people meet me in the conference room. All Pawnee people...sit at your desks and take it personally.
So what's your story new Ann? You're kinda pretty. I mean you're not "Ann pretty" but you have potential.
...Thank you but I don't work in this department-
Shut your kinda pretty mouth and eat a mustard cookie.
[Leslie is trying to become best friends with the Eagleton doppelgangers]
Okay so let's chit chat huh? Let's get to know each other and then become familiar best friends.
I don't have time for this. I'm halfway through designing a bamboo gazebo as a tribute to the founders of Motown!
Haha! That's so Craig! Oh Craig we have fun don't we? Do you guys remember when this all started? I came here with the cookies and then Craig said something so Craig and we all laughed and we were like "Craig!" ...Do you...do you think it would be weird if we held hands? Probably.
[Ron walks in and grabs Leslie]
This way please.
Excuse me Ron, I am talking to my best friends! Let me go! Best friends attack Ron!
[Everyone looks very confused]
Okay. Enough is enough. What is wrong with you woman!?
I don't have to explain myself to you! I am the Czar! I can do as I please. Those who cross the Czar, feel the wrath of the Czar!
...
Ann is thinking about leaving Pawnee. Moving. With Chris.
Well that's nice.
Nice, Ron!? Edible arrangements are nice. This is volcanically hot betrayal!
We all know that I can not spend as much money on ads as my opponent but, I printed out 10,000 "Don't" stickers and 10,000 question mark stickers. That way, if you see a sign that says "Recall Knope," all you need to do is add the question mark and the "Don't" and suddenly it reads "Recall Knope? Don't."
Why don't you just put the "Don't" in front of "Recall Knope?"
...Yeah that's a much better idea.
Can I have these question mark stickers?
Why?
I wanna put them on stop signs! [runs out]
April no!
That's your will? You need that many pages to say "Give my stuff to my wife"?
It's a complicated legal document.
It doesn't have to be. [pulls a piece of paper from wallet] I've had the same will since I was eight years old.
[reading it] "Upon my death, all my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me." What are these weird symbols?
The man who kills me will know.
Ok, you should really have a will that's more than one sentence long. You have a wife and kids now. I could introduce you to our lawyer.
The three most useless jobs in the world are, in order, lawyer, congressman and doctor. Pass.
Ron, that document is nothing, it's not even notarized. You know, if you die and you don't have a real will, most of what you own will go to the government.
[pause] Where is this lawyer you speak of?
That's what you really think of me? You think I'm annoying?
Leslie, sometimes you're kind of annoying. I mean I thought that was your thing.
My thing?! My thing is not being annoying! My things are making friendship bracelets and dancing like nobody's watching and thinking up really cool nicknames for my friends. You of all people should know that El Diablo!
Look the only reason I'm even on twitter is to blow off steam about work and tweet nasty stuff to dudes with washboard abs.
I have a question for you. Do you think I'm annoying?
No.
Are you lying?
No.
Are you trying to protect my feelings?
No.
Do you think I'm being annoying right now?
Yes.
So you do think I'm annoying!
I think you ask a lot of the people that you work with. And I think that people do what you ask because they love you. But, I also think that driving people as hard as you do can ruffle some feathers. I think a lot of things. I like cooking. And racquetball!
Now who's annoying?
I spent the last hour reading some of Donna's old tweets. And turns out there's some more things that she said about you: "Message to the recall haters-You can't keep Leslie Knope down. She's too real for this ish. #BossBitch."
"Leslie Knope is stepping up at these hearings and taking a bullet for me. #SisterFromAnotherMister #BossBitch."
It appears whereas "BitchBoss" is clearly an indication of her frustration, "BossBitch" is a term of endearment! Isn't language fun? It's like racquetball, for your mouth.
I'm sorry if I can be a little annoying at times. But one person's annoying is another person's inspiring and heroic. So you know who are we to judge?
And I'm sorry for writing those things. Some of those things.
I can't promise that I won't be...inspiring and heroic in the future.
And I can't promise that I won't complain about it.
Deal.
[They shake hands]
I got you an apology present.
Oh?
It's all of your favorite lipsticks and nail polishes and I got the same ones too. I printed out a schedule so we can wear them at the same time. Now I would like you to open each one in front of me and tell me how you feel about them individually.
Let me take a picture.
Are you tweeting this?
Mmmhmm.
What's the hashtag gonna be? "BossBitch" or "BitchBoss?"
Yeah it's "PsychoBoss."
Well, I don't hate that.
On my side, I have facts, science, and reason. All he has is fearmongering. Oh my God, he's gonna win.
Yeah, people get jittery about stuff like this. Remember last year when no one would get flu shots because there was a rumor they turned you European?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Parks and Recreation pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
