The only thing I'm guilty of is loving Pawnee. And punching Lindsay in the face. And shoving a coffee filter down her pants.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
First of all, this color looks amazing on you.
Thank you.
Second of all, the whole fence thing? She's obviously trying to get a rise out of you. Third of all, she knows she only got the job because you turned it down which must drive her nuts! But most importantly, say the word and I will beat her senseless with a baseball bat.
[deeply touched] Thank You.
What's going on here?
Hi Lindsay. Introducing the Pawnee Wiffleball League. It's an idea that I came up with after my best friend Ann over there said she wanted to bash your head in with a baseball bat.
[View of Ann smiling and waving]
[Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker]
So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.
...I did. I broke it.
No. No you didn't. Tom?
Don't look at me. Look at Ben.
What?! I didn't break it.
Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?
Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.
Suspicious.
No it's not!
If it matters, probably not, but April was the last one to use it.
Liar! I don't even drink that crap!
Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that Jerry!
Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it Ron.
No! Who broke it!?
Ron...Donna's been awfully quiet.
REALLY?!
[Everyone starts arguing]
[being interviewed] I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it. I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.
We need to find a new PR Director for the health department. Dennis Cooper was fired today.
Why?
Short answer, he went bananas. Long answer, his wife Jan had an affair, gave him a venereal disease, so he put signs about her all through city hall. I'm sure you've seen them.
BLBen & Leslie
Oh yeah.
[Cut to Chris being interviewed and reading off the different signs]
"Jan Cooper will give you Chlamydia. Brought to you by the Pawnee Health Department."
"Chlamydia affects nearly 100% of Jan Coopers."
"The Department of Health congratulates Jan Cooper, Miss Chlamydia."
"Jan I love you. Please come back. I realize I'm not blameless here. Please. Brought to you by the Health Department."
"Re-elect Jan Cooper, Mayor of Whoreville."
Hello strange person who I have never met before. Who are you?
I'm Janet Snakehole. I'm a very rich widow with a terrible secret. Who are you?
Burt Macklin, FBI. I was the best damn agent they ever had until I was framed for a crime i didn't commit. Stealing the President's...rubies. Now I work alone.
Lovely to meet you.
I gotta admit, I thought your costume would be alittle more slutty.
[slaps Andy] HOW DARE YOU!? [walks away]
...Nice.
Hello, my name is Ron Swanson. Normally I try never to speak with people, but I've been drinking this Snake Juice thing, and it's damn good. You should buy it.
BPBar Patron
Yeah okay, thanks man.
Son, you should know that my suggestion is essentially a guarantee. [hands man glass of Snake Juice] Drink this. Now.
Traegermeister! You made it!
Yeah I got your email. We need to talk.
First, grab a Snakejuice. It's 140 proof which means it's 70% alcohol. But don't worry, there's plenty of caffeine in it to keep you awake.
I believe an ounce of that would literally kill me.
No offense, but maybe you think I'm going too fast 'cause you're going too slow with Ben!
No offense, but I'm going slow 'cause I might lose my job!
No offense, but maybe that's a little bit of an excuse for not acting on your feelings!
No offense, but I don't remember you having a nursing degree in feelings!
Offense! That's rude! I'm gonna go dance. Douche, you're up!
DThe Douche
Mmm-hmm!
Hey, are you OK? I heard yowling.
Yeah, I'm very angry and I'm really drunk. Do you wanna dance with me? Go get me another snork juice.
Oh, that's maybe not the best idea for you.
Forget it! Jean-Ralphio!
[immediately appears] Yes, I'm here!
Dance up on me!
Yes, yes, yes!
You've gotta try role play. That's what me and April do.
...that explains the outift.
Yeah you gotta dream up some weird scenario like you're her boss and sex is forbidden because she works for you.
...That is our actual situation.
And she's addicted to spanking.
Okay. Thanks, we got it. We're good.
[Leslie and Ann are drunk and fighting outside the restroom]
If you're worried about working with Chris it doesn't matter! He's fine with it. He said it wouldn't be weird.
You talked to Chris before you talked to me?!
[A girl walks between them]
EXCUSE ME!
[Cut to Leslie being interviewed]
This is my first fight with Ann and it's a doozy. But, I believe that honest discussions between friends can lead to deeper intimacy. This is a watershed moment in our relationship and it's important that we fight clean. All I need to do is focus, and stay calm.
[Cut back to Leslie and Ann]
You're stupid and you're a jerk and you're stupid! [Runs into the restroom]
UGH!
This "Snake Juice" is basically rat poison. Everybody's wasted.
[cuts to a drunk and crying Leslie]
You don't even know one thing, I didn't even say one thing and then she asked me the whole thing and I didn't even do it once!
[cuts to a drunk Tom]
I'm like an elephant, OK? If I walk into a room, it's like OK, he's in there.
[cuts to a drunk Ann]
I'm gonna tell you...That...That bitch over there...I'm...I'm gonna tell..I don't have to...I don't have to brag.
[cuts to a drunk and giggling Ben]
Baba booey.
[cuts to a drunk Andy]
Turn this music down. [singing] Farts and boobs and love and stuff... macaroni salad...
[cuts to a drunk April]
[rapidly speaks Spanish]
[cuts to a drunk and laughing Jerry who starts coughing then drinks more Snake Juice]
[cuts to a drunk Ron, who is wearing April's hat and dancing frantically]
[Donna has all the drunk people packed in her Benz]
Is this everybody?
Ann took a cab, Tom's in the trunk, Jerry's on the roof. Alright, where to first?
Your mother's butt!
[Everyone laughs]
I'm so alone...
If even one of you thinks about dry-heaving in my car your all walking home.
There's got to be something we can do. [shouts into the next room] Ben, is there something we can do?!
[silence]
Damn it, Ben's not here...
Leslie, we have to go hire a new PR director for the health department.
Oh my god I'm so hungover. I've never been this hungover. Are we dead?
I feel great. I ran a 5K this morning.
Really?
No, I threw up in the shower.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Parks and Recreation pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.