[Ben and Leslie are interviewing people]
Thank you, we'll let you know.
[Interviewee walks out]
And then our heads will explode, and we will die... [sigh]
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
You're wearing snow pants...
I got home last night and I thought I might go sledding...
[View of Ann's lawn where there's not a drop of snow in sight]
[Ann comes in to interview for the Public Health position]
You came!
Yeah I had some encouragement.
Your sweater's on inside-out.
And backwards! It's been a tough morning. Lots of regret and shame. Should be the official slogan for Snake Juice.
Uh well this committee would like to ask if you are the kind of candidate who could forgive someone after they behaved like a complete jackass.
This candidate could, especially since this candidate also behaved like a total jackass.
Please don't worry about it. The committee totally understands.
Also, I can talk about my qualifications for this position but first, I am gonna go throw up in a wastebasket.
Would you mind if I joined you?
Not at all! Shall we?
It's never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet that suckles on the taxpayers' teat until they have sore, chapped nipples. ...I'm gonna need a different metaphor to give this nine year old.
I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom. The whiz palace, as I like to call it. And I'm not calling Ann, so...
[after her and Ben's first kiss]
Uh-oh.
[Ann walks into her office to find it literally bursting with balloons]
Hey! Ladies and gentlemen for the first time ever at her new part-time job in the health department at City Hall it's Ann Meredith Perkins!
Leslie this is so nice!
[popping out of the balloons] I put poisonous gas in one of these balloons so if any of them pops you may die.
[popping out of the balloons] No April, we would all die. Gasses fill the volume of whatever container they're in. [looking at the camera] School.
We have activities every hour on your first day. 10am: Ann's First Day Waffle Explosion. 11am: the Start Paperwork Jamboree. And then twelve noon sharp is the Inaugural Da-ANNce Party.
[popping out of the balloons] Welcome to City Hall cupcake!
How many of you are in here!?
There's seven! And you have an office mate. His name is Stuart and he's kind of a grouch.
I have an office mate?
SStuart
[popping out of the balloons] Get these fucking balloons out of here!
...Hi I'm Ann.
[Stuart walks in on Leslie talking with Ann]
Stuart, please could you give us like 45 minutes!
SStuart
It's my office too-
Stuart!
[Stuart awkwardly walks out]
Wow that guy was rude.
I feel that some structural changes could really unlock this department's potential. Jerry.
Mmm?
I believe that you are capable of so much more.
I'm Not.
Nonsense. Look in the mirror!
Huh?
You are an intelligent, charismatic, beautiful superhero. I'm making you head of Public Relations, which means you'll be leading the Monday briefing sessions.
Excellent idea.
April, you are too valuable to just be Ron's assistant. So from now on, you are a multi-tasking executive aide, assisting the entire office.
Is this a nightmare? [hits herself with her pen] April wake up!
Okay you need to be strong, powerful, decisive. This is not a meeting, it's a battle. Normal meeting rules do not apply. I'll be my mom and I'm gonna be very harsh with you and it's only because I like you a lot.
Okay.
Go!
Hello-
Wrong.
What?
No preambles. No introductions. Just walk in and start talking.
...Id like to discuss the school bus-
I'd like to discuss your rhyming, Dr. Seuss. And you should be sitting by now.
What?
Just walk in and take a seat.
Um...
"Um" is the sound in "dumb." That's what she says to people. And now you've crossed your legs like a woman.
God! Okay should we just start over?
No, we need to put a pin in this. Here is a list of my mother's top 10 conversation topics starting with Persian rugs, ending with Daniel Craig. You have 10 minutes to memorize it.
"Deliverance," the movie?
Mmmhmmm.
Oh God.
This ain't gonna work.
[Ron swivels away from Donna]
Okay you did not just swivel away while I was talking to you.
[Ron swivels back]
This spaceship keyboard is driving me crazy! I'm down to one word a minute. And the word is "perflipisklep" because I can't fly spaceships.
Donna you know as well as I do that these City Manager shake-ups always peter out. We just have to wait.
Usually I'm with you. But this is Chris Traeger. The six million dollar man. He won't quit. So you need to swivel your ass down to his office and have a word with him.
SWSobbing Woman
There's nothing left. It's over!
Hey, hey, hey, don't say that. Now, come on. Get yourself together and go out there and be the woman you always knew you could be.
SWSobbing Woman
[deeply touched] Thank you!
[she walks away]
Who was that?
I don't know. I saw her crying and so I helped.
Ron Swanson!
Chris, you have come up with a plan so spectacularly horrible that it might ruin the entire department.
Now wait a minute...
I mean that as a compliment. So it pains me to say this: my department has to go back to the way it was.
Give them time. They'll adjust.
No they won't. They're miserable. Tom only performs when there's someone to impress, so marooning him on freak island isn't helping anyone. And you made April assistant to everyone? You know who April hates? Everyone. And Jerry can only function if no one is looking. You shine a light on him and he shrinks up faster than an eskimo's scrotum.
That's very perceptive, Ron. And very graphic.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I read that one on a can of lemonade. I like to think it applies to life.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Parks and Recreation pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.