Scenes with Donna 47
BD Beefy Dude
I don't know what's sicker, me or your body.
BD Beefy Dude
Maybe you should check out my abs.
Are you experiencing abdominal pain?
BD Beefy Dude
Every day at the gym [shows off abs] Feel.
Eww. [feels his abs and is impressed] Oh.
BD Beefy Dude
What are you doing tonight?
I think I'm gonna have to pass.
[Ann walks over by Donna]
Donna Are you gonna hit that?
Him? He isn't exactly boyfriend material.
Donna Who said anything about a boyfriend? Use him. Abuse him. Lose him.
[Ann sees Donna at the same dating event she's at]
Donna! Oh my God, I am so excited to see you here! These things are horrible when you're by yourself. [Donna tries to ignore her] ...What?
Donna Do you know where you are right now? We're in the jungle. There are no friends here! It's every woman for herself.
Donna Do I look like I'm joking? Dating is a zero sum game. If you get a man, I don't get that man.
I'm here because of advice that you gave me to be more adventurous in my life.
Donna Here's some more advice. Beat it!
R Ryan
I'm a manager at a sporting goods store.
R Ryan
Seriously!? Which one?
No, I'm not. I was just ribbing you.
R Ryan
...What are you drinking?
Oh I don't know. I couldn't hear you.
R Ryan
So you just laughed and said "yeah?"
[Donna cuts in]
Donna Excuse us... [To Ann] That was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. Did you grow up in the woods? Are you Nell? From the movie Nell?
[Finishing talking to a guy] Cool, I'll see you around, maybe.
Donna That went better, right!?
Yes! He did however, proudly tell me that he beat herpes...
[Donna grimaces]
I'm sorry Donna I'm gonna go home, I just found out Andy's getting married.
Donna So?
So that's my ex-boyfriend...and we were together for a really long time.
Donna [Sarcastically] Alright...
Donna "What?" Listen, you are a hot young doctor.
Donna Okay I don't know you. But I do know that you can fix your attitude. Do you wanna go home and feel sorry for yourself about a man you didn't wanna marry? Or do you wanna go talk to that cute boy who's been looking at you and give him your number before I throw him in my Benz for myself?
I humbly place before you my East meets West, patented Traeger Turkey Burger. An Asian fusion burger made with Willow Farms organic turkey, toasted taleggio cheese crisp, papaya chutney, black truffle aoli and microgreens on a gluten free brioche bun. Enjoy!
This tastes as delicious as Beyonce smells...I'm guessing.
Donna What is this in here? Saffron?
Wow! Somebody's got a sharp palette!
K Kyle
I love the umami flavor.
Stop being so pretentious Kyle!
Here's mine. It's a hamburger, made out of meat, on a bun, with nothing. Add ketchup if you want, I couldn't care less.
Ron, I am so disappointed. I thought that you and I were gonna have a real challenge.
Never mind this is better!
Donna Way better!
K Kyle
...Sorry Andy, Ron's is better.
Damn it Kyle! [takes a bite of Ron's burger] Oh my God this is so much better it's crazy!
Turkey can never beat cow Chris. Sorry.
I don't understand. I've tinkered with this recipe for years. Granted it's been along time since I've had a hamburger. [takes a bite of one of Ron's burgers] ...This is better. The commisary will continue to serve horrifying, artery clogging hamburgers.
[Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker]
So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.
Don't look at me. Look at Ben.
What?! I didn't break it.
Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?
Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.
If it matters, probably not, but April was the last one to use it.
Liar! I don't even drink that crap!
Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that Jerry!
Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it Ron.
Ron...Donna's been awfully quiet.
Donna REALLY?!
[Everyone starts arguing]
[being interviewed] I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it. I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.
Donna This "Snake Juice" is basically rat poison. Everybody's wasted.
[cuts to a drunk and crying Leslie]
You don't even know one thing, I didn't even say one thing and then she asked me the whole thing and I didn't even do it once!
[cuts to a drunk Tom]
I'm like an elephant, OK? If I walk into a room, it's like OK, he's in there.
[cuts to a drunk Ann]
I'm gonna tell you...That...That bitch over there...I'm...I'm gonna tell..I don't have to...I don't have to brag.
[cuts to a drunk and giggling Ben]
[cuts to a drunk Andy]
Turn this music down. [singing] Farts and boobs and love and stuff... macaroni salad...
[cuts to a drunk April]
[cuts to a drunk and laughing Jerry who starts coughing then drinks more Snake Juice]
[cuts to a drunk Ron, who is wearing April's hat and dancing frantically]
[Donna has all the drunk people packed in her Benz]
Donna Ann took a cab, Tom's in the trunk, Jerry's on the roof. Alright, where to first?
[Everyone laughs]
Donna If even one of you thinks about dry-heaving in my car your all walking home.
Donna This ain't gonna work.
[Ron swivels away from Donna]
Donna Okay you did not just swivel away while I was talking to you.
[Ron swivels back]
Donna This spaceship keyboard is driving me crazy! I'm down to one word a minute. And the word is "perflipisklep" because I can't fly spaceships.
Donna you know as well as I do that these City Manager shake-ups always peter out. We just have to wait.
Donna Usually I'm with you. But this is Chris Traeger. The six million dollar man. He won't quit. So you need to swivel your ass down to his office and have a word with him.
Guess I'll be heading home.
Catching the number 12 bus to Satan's butthole?
Actually I prefer the number 69 train to Humpsville station.
Donna Red alert, Swanson! Your ex-wife's back!
Donna Not her. The other ex-wife.
Donna She's in your office.
[They all look at Ron's window and see a woman partially obscured by the blinds]
Oh Shit! [runs away in fear]
Donna What is wrong with you today? Did they cancel Game of Thrones ?
Nothing is wrong, just do your job. And they would never cancel Game of Thrones . It's a crossover hit. It's not just for fantasy enthusiasts, they're telling human stories in a fantasy world.
Once a year Donna and I spend a day treating ourselves. What do we treat ourselves to?
Donna Clothes.
Donna Fragrances.
Donna Massages.
Donna Mimosas.
Donna Fine. Leather. Goods.
Donna It's the best day of the year.
TD Tom & Donna
[singing] The Best Day Of The Year!
Donna I really want this dress and I like this crystal beetle but it's expensive and there's no use for it.
Donna Meagle. Treat Yo Self.
Velvet slippys, cashmere socks, velvet pants, cashmere turtle. I'm a cashmere, velvet candy cane.
Donna Treat Yo Self!
[Ben walks out of the changing room in a Batman costume]
Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God! This is a whole new level of nerd!
You're right. This is ridiculous. What am I doing?
Wait no no no no no! I mean that in a good way Ben! Listen to me. You're part of the Treat Yo Self team now okay!? If that costume somehow makes you happy, you're gonna buy it! You're gonna wear it out of the store. Okay? You're gonna Treat Yourself!
Yeah you know what? I'm gonna do that! I'm gonna treat myself. Thanks you guys. [starts crying] I really needed this. I'm gonna treat myself!
Donna Uh oh. Batman's crying.
Donna! Blue shirt, badge, night stick. You are a policewoman.
Donna Yup. You're a regular-
-Sherlock Holmes! I solved that mystery before you did.
Donna Okay this was fun... [walks away]
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Parks and Recreation · 658 quotes
Donna
