Donna quotes from Parks and Recreation

Ann

Your campaign advisors quit. Big deal. You're running for city council again, Leslie. With our help.

April

April Ludgate. Youth Outreach and Director of New Media.

Tom

Tom Haverford. Image Consultant, Swagger Coach.

Ann

Ann Perkins. Office Manager and Volunteer Coordinator.

Andy

Andy Dwyer. Security, Sweets, Body Man, Javelin, if need be.

Donna

Donna Meagle. Transpo', AKA rides in my Benz.

Jerry

Wh...You guys didn't tell me we were doing this. I did not know I was supposed to come up with something. I...

Ron

Ron Swanson. Any other damn thing you might need.

Leslie

Guys, it's so much work. I can't ask you to put your lives on hold.

Ron

Find one person here who you haven't helped by putting your life on hold.

Leslie

[choked up] I don't know what to say...except let's go win an election!

Donna

If you let Newport have the vans they'll just sit there in a lot. If you let us have the vans, they drive around town all day. Free publicity. Everyone will see your logo...which is you all pressed up on some chick with huge cans.

Yeah. It was a helluva day. People need to know about it.

Hey! What the hell guys?! Move!

Donna

Alright! Ya'll got your seat belts on?

Donna

Did you see that!? That son of a bitch just rear-ended me!

Tom

Am I dead?

WHAT THE HELL!?

Donna

Exactly Bill. What the hell? You just rear-ended me.

That is not what happened.

Donna

I got witnesses.

Tom

Yeah. It went down exactly as my girl said it did you mean bald man.

[To Ron] Hey what about you? Mister "a man's word is sacred."

Ron

Well it is but you're an asshole.

Donna

So we can settle this now. I will accept payment in van rentals.

GAH!

Leslie

I have an idea. Let's pretend that we're old people and we can ask Ann our grossest, most perverted sex questions. I'll start. [in an old lady accent] I'm an old lady. Why do I need birth control? I haven't had my monthly since LBJ was president!

Ann

With the elderly we're not so concerned with pregnancy, we're more concerned with disease.

Andy

[in an old man accent] Do pubic hairs get longer the older you get?

Ann

I don't think so no.

Andy

Cause that's happening to me...what should I do?

Donna

Where can I get lube that is healthy to eat?

Andy

[in an old man accent] I ran over my testicles with my jazzy scooter.

Leslie

[in an old man accent] I think you're good to go nursey. I wanna jump on that caboose! Choo-Choo!

Ann

[to Donna] You should never eat lube... [to Andy] You need to see a doctor immediately... [to Leslie] and I'm sorry sir but you have to be under 40 to ride this train!

Leslie

Ohh! That's how you do it kids! [High fives Ann]

I'm just saying, you should have put "spoiler alert" on all those death canoe tweets. Also, not safe for work. You know, a lot of what you wrote was really profane.

Donna

[on her phone] That movie's 25 years old, Morris. And if you don't like how I tweet, don't follow me.

What are you doing now? I'm talking to you.

Donna

I'm live tweeting this dumbass conversation.

Tom

Well done Team! What do ya think of the place?

Ann

Do you really like this yellow paint? I mean I know it was on sale but it looks a lot like dried phlegm.

Donna

For real Tom. This place is sad. I think one of the mannequins tried to commit suicide.

Chris

I think what's important is that we all had a goal, and we achieved it.

Ann

So you like the place?

Chris

Oh no it's quite terrible.

Tom

This is the best I can do for now. And I'm $46 under budget! Now I have a small treat for you guys for all your hard work. Pizza Party!

Jerry

One small pizza for all of us!? With no toppings!?

Tom

Cheese is a topping Jerry! And why are all these lights blaring by the way? Does somebody own stock in the electric company? [shuts the lights off]

Ron

Hmm. If there were more food and fewer people this would be the perfect party.

Tom

In honor of Jerry Dinner, let's each say our favorite Jerry moment from the past year.

April

Yes!

Tom

Mine was the time he slipped on the cinnabun and landed in a bunch of garbage.

April

My favorite Jerry moment was when he ate a bowl of glue!

Andy

My favorite Jerry moment is when you switched out his potato soup with glue and he didn't know. You're so cute when you're bullying babe!

Donna

...You know what, Ann was right. This is mean. We are going to pick up Jerry.

No!

Donna

It's Christmas time. Don't you wanna be good people?

Tom

Not really.

April

Never!

Ann

Well Well Well, You want to come in to Jerry's party. And why is that?

April

I need a place to deliver this baby Ann! It's coming out of me right now! I'm pregnant!

Ann

This is a lovely party, thrown by a lovely man and his lovely family. There's no place for meanies.

April

Oh forget it I'm coming in.

April

Ow! Get off me! Uhh!

Ann

You're so weak! Really? I mean I'm barely even doing anything. Are you iron deficient? Let me look at your pulse.

April

It's because of your man strength! Mann Perkins.

Tom

Let us in Ann it's cold outside and I can't wear mittens because they're unflattering to my hands!

Ann

Sorry guys. This is your penance. You can come in if you do something nice for Jerry.

Donna

Hey! I already did something nice for Jerry. I drove here to take him to Jerry Dinner.

Ann

Aww Donna! You can come in.

Donna

Oh okay! [walks inside while the others protest] He He He He! Merry Christmas Bitches!

Donna

Did you just pee your pants?

Jerry

Just a dab.

Donna

You nasty Jerry.

Chris

Last year I won an organic gardening contest.

Donna

Who were you competing against?

Chris

My own taste buds.

Ann

I keep getting outbid by someone called Tall Tyrion Lannister. What kind of name is that?

Donna

Are you kidding me? Tyrion Lannister? Lord of Casterly Rock? The half man? You don't watch Game of Thrones?

Ann

No, do you?

Donna

Hell, yeah! Have you seen those Dothraki dudes? They can get it! Everyone on that show can get it!

Donna

Yeah hi, is there, and I'm just guessing here, some kind of medication that you maybe need a lot of and have taken none of or maybe too much of today?

Craig

Oh I have a medical condition alright, it's called caring too much! AND IT'S INCURABLE! ...Also, I have eczema.

Leslie

Alright Donna there's gonna have to be some cut-backs. I mean your job is secure of course. You're basically the glue of this department. But I think Craig's gonna have to go.

Donna

No you should keep him. He's crazy intense but I've never met anyone who cares more about this job.

Leslie

Huh Donna. I'm right here.

Donna

No joke. He might care more than you. Honestly if I had to choose between him and me, I'd choose him.

Leslie

What are you saying, are you thinking about leaving!?

Donna

I wasn't planning on it but I could. You know I got the condo in Seattle, the fiance in Denver...

Leslie

Huh!?

Donna

It won't last.

Leslie

We all know that I can not spend as much money on ads as my opponent but, I printed out 10,000 "Don't" stickers and 10,000 question mark stickers. That way, if you see a sign that says "Recall Knope," all you need to do is add the question mark and the "Don't" and suddenly it reads "Recall Knope? Don't."

Donna

Why don't you just put the "Don't" in front of "Recall Knope?"

Leslie

...Yeah that's a much better idea.

April

Can I have these question mark stickers?

Leslie

Why?

April

I wanna put them on stop signs! [runs out]

Leslie

April no!

Leslie

That's what you really think of me? You think I'm annoying?

Donna

Leslie, sometimes you're kind of annoying. I mean I thought that was your thing.

Leslie

My thing?! My thing is not being annoying! My things are making friendship bracelets and dancing like nobody's watching and thinking up really cool nicknames for my friends. You of all people should know that El Diablo!

Donna

Look the only reason I'm even on twitter is to blow off steam about work and tweet nasty stuff to dudes with washboard abs.