Andy Dwyer quotes from Parks and Recreation

Andy

Babe how much should I sell this hat for?

April

I dunno, eight cents?

Andy

Honey! This is the hat I was wearing the first time I heard "Vitalogy" by Pearl Jam.

April

Ooh...$900.

Andy

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Ben

Mr. Saint James. This has been a strange day but we wouldn't wanna leave you with the wrong impression of Pawnee.

Andy

[runs in] HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN HITLER!? [runs out]

...

April

Alright so does this look familiar?

Andy

No not at all.

April

I was talking to Joey.

Joey!

Mommy!

Oh there you are! Oh God I was so worried! Thank you so much! You'll never know how much I appreciate it!

Andy

Well just doin my job ma'am.

Thank you for saving me Andy. Thank you too Ms. Hitler.

...What?

April

Don't worry about it.

April

Wow you made those losers very happy.

April

It's been a pleasure serving with you son.

Andy

If you ever need me you know where to find me. In bed next to you, probably having sex with you.

Tom

In honor of Jerry Dinner, let's each say our favorite Jerry moment from the past year.

April

Yes!

Tom

Mine was the time he slipped on the cinnabun and landed in a bunch of garbage.

April

My favorite Jerry moment was when he ate a bowl of glue!

Andy

My favorite Jerry moment is when you switched out his potato soup with glue and he didn't know. You're so cute when you're bullying babe!

Donna

...You know what, Ann was right. This is mean. We are going to pick up Jerry.

No!

Donna

It's Christmas time. Don't you wanna be good people?

Tom

Not really.

April

Never!

Andy

You are officially a baller.

Tom

I've been a baller since birth, son. Now, I'm an athlete.

April

So tomorrow, I lead a public forum in Leslie's Fleetwood Mac sex pants.

Andy

Fleetwood Mac sex pants. New band name. I call it. [snaps fingers] Ooh, you know what? Maybe just Fleetwood Mac.

Andy

Look, Hogwarts.

Ben

No, that's Buckingham Palace. Hogwarts is fictional. You do know that, don't you? It's important to me that you know that.

Leslie

Oh good you guys are here! Okay, everybody gather around, I have a big announcement. I'm officially seeking re-election to the Pawnee City Council. I am gonna be running for Dexhart's seat and the campaign starts now.

...

Leslie

Oh, I love the sound of silence before a big cheer. That's what's happening? Right?

Tom

Leslie, no offense, I've heard a lot of bad ideas today. This is the worst.

Leslie

April?

April

I would love it if you ran an insane campaign and basically turned into the Joker...but that means you probably shouldn't do it.

Leslie

Andy?

Andy

I don't know Leslie, it seems risky. And I'd hate to see you go through another tough fight. But I could be wrong, I haven't pooped in three days.

Leslie

Okay Ron, you have always given me sage counsel, and your words carry great influence so what do you think I should do?

Ron

I do not think that you should run again.

Leslie

What the Hell do you know dum-dum!?

Leslie

Okay Ron, enough's enough let's talk plans for Diane's baby shower.

Ron

Dear God woman!

Leslie

Three main activities: baby bingo, baby food tasting and my personal favorite, baby onesie decorating station. I wanna make mine look like an astronaut. What are you doin up there in space baby!? Ugh! So cute! Okay, I have some gift ideas. I was looking at a very adorable stroller.

Ron

We already have a stroller. [motions to the corner]

Leslie

Oh shoot really? I have to think of something else. [Leslie spots baby John in the corner and gasps] Oh my God, whose baby is that!?

Ron

That would be mine.

Leslie

Guys, get in here! Ron has a baby!

Andy

Oh, Ron. Cool baby.

Ron

Thank you Andrew. Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to my son, John, middle name redacted, Swanson. John was born some time ago weighing multiple pounds and several ounces. Much like his father he is a fan of silence. Please keep your voices down.

Leslie

How am I supposed to keep my voice down when you had your baby, and you didn't tell me that you had your baby!

Ron

Why would you need to know something like that?

Leslie

[pacing frantically] Why would I!? Oh my God! I have not even sent Diane a gift! She's just walking around wondering why I haven't sent her a gift yet!

April

Should we do something?

Ron

Just let her tire herself out.

If you need anything from us Ron please just let us know.

Ron

Actually there is something. Could one of you please stop at the pet store and pick up some fish food for me?

Leslie

WHEN DID YOU GET A FISH!?

April

Hey one question: where are you gonna stand? In front of the graffiti that says "Pawnee You Suck" or "Go Home Eagleton Snobs"

Leslie

I painted over that graffiti a week ago! These people are the worst! I cannot announce a unity concert in front of a picture of a bald eagle giving the middle finger.

Andy

Yeah you probably want to stand to the side so people could see it.

Leslie

A few years ago Eagleton put up this wall along the border, now it is time to tear down this wall!

Leslie

In the name of unity I have given some former Eagletonians the first strike. Take it away guys!

Leslie

It's such a great day for... [A swarm of bees erupts from the hole] BEES! BEES! NOBODY PANIC!

Craig

[running away] OHHH NOOO!

AHHHH IT STUNG ME IN THE EYEBALL!

[filming the disaster] Haha oh man this is amazing man! The stupid Eagletonians are totally getting PWNED by these bees! Gonna send this straight to Tosh! [Gets stung] OW FUCK! FUCK!

Andy

[shielding April] Don't worry babe I'll protect you! I got stung once, I'm immune. Go ahead and sting me bees! It does nothing!

April

Fine. I'll go with you because Leslie's making us and we live together and we only have one car right now because you laked mine.

What does laked mean?

Andy

I tried to jump it over a lake! Why don't you stay out of our conversations Larry!

Will do! [chuckles and walks off]

Andy

Look around. The bloom of youth. Like flowers on the sunset of an eagle's poetry.

April

Andy. I hate teenagers!

Andy

If you give this a chance, you're gonna love it. I promise. It's like the movie Expendables 2. First time, hated it. Second time, hated it. Third time, it was okay. Then the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, tenth time I watched it, I realized something. It's just it's not good. It's not a good movie. Now that I've convinced you, why don't we go dance?

Andy

I guess while you get your medicine I'll just stroll through the candy isles but won't get any.

Leslie

You can buy two candies.

Andy

TWO!? [runs off]

Can I help you?

Leslie

I have the flu. Super nauseated for a few days, lot of barfing, it's a total disaster. Plus I have a ton of work to do so I need the good stuff. The Mariah needs to sing tonight stuff.