Ann Perkins quotes from Parks and Recreation

Ann

You should at least invite Jerry to the dinner.

Tom

HA! That's hilarious. You should do stand-up.

Ann

...If you're kidding you suck but if you're serious, I actually have been thinking about it. Hey April, Matlock called, he wants his cardigan back. BOOM! I'm out. [walks out]

April

Who's Matlock?

Ann

Well Well Well, You want to come in to Jerry's party. And why is that?

April

I need a place to deliver this baby Ann! It's coming out of me right now! I'm pregnant!

Ann

This is a lovely party, thrown by a lovely man and his lovely family. There's no place for meanies.

April

Oh forget it I'm coming in.

April

Ow! Get off me! Uhh!

Ann

You're so weak! Really? I mean I'm barely even doing anything. Are you iron deficient? Let me look at your pulse.

April

It's because of your man strength! Mann Perkins.

Tom

Let us in Ann it's cold outside and I can't wear mittens because they're unflattering to my hands!

Ann

Sorry guys. This is your penance. You can come in if you do something nice for Jerry.

Donna

Hey! I already did something nice for Jerry. I drove here to take him to Jerry Dinner.

Ann

Aww Donna! You can come in.

Donna

Oh okay! [walks inside while the others protest] He He He He! Merry Christmas Bitches!

Ann

Well hello again. You ready to be nice to Jerry? Because it's so cold out here it reminds me of my wife's lasagna!

April

...I actually like that one.

Ron

Girls this is Ann. Talk to Ann, she's terrific.

Ann

...Hey dudettes! You stoked about the weekend...no. Oh! Look at this pwetty pwetty wittle bead.

Ron

They're not infants.

Ann

I don't know. I'm weird with kids. So...you guys like Coldplay?

You're weird.

Ann

You're-[runs out]

Jerry

Well hey girls!

...No.

Jerry

Okay. Thanks. [walks away]

Ann

But it was actually a blood-hungry witch who was wearing their mom's face like a mask!

AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Ron

Hahaha! What is wrong with you woman?

Ann

Sorry I thought kids liked ghost stories!

Ann

It's not that bad. Nobody got hurt.

Ron

It's extremely bad! I love this woman, and I just wanna show her that I'm capable of watching her children without something horrible happening. [Ann's mouth is open] What?!

Ann

Did you just say you love Diane?

Ron

No. I did not.

Ann

Yes you did! That is so cute!

Ron

For God's sake, Hanson, will you please focus on the larger problem!

[singing] Oooooo! Ron loves mommy! Ron Loves mommy!

Ron

Girls! Girls! I don't know what you think you heard but please don't tell your mother what you incorrectly think you heard.

Ann

[singing] Ron loves mommy! [the girls join in]

Ron

I LOVE NOTHING! [runs out]

Jerry

[giggles as Ron runs past]

Ann

Before I write that letter, you have to spend a whole week doing everything I say.

April

So what, I have to be your slave or something?

Ann

No, you have to be my friend

April

Ugh, that's so much worse.

Ann

How many drinks of alcohol do you consume a week?

Ron

One.

Ann

That's it? One drink?

Ron

One shelf.

Ann

Do you exercise?

Ron

Yes. Lovemaking and woodworking.

Ann

Do you have any history of mental illness in your family

Ron

I have an uncle who does yoga.

Ann

Allergies?

Ron

Cowardice and weak willed man....and hazelnuts

Ann

Sexual History?

Ron

Epic and Private

Ann

I keep getting outbid by someone called Tall Tyrion Lannister. What kind of name is that?

Donna

Are you kidding me? Tyrion Lannister? Lord of Casterly Rock? The half man? You don't watch Game of Thrones?

Ann

No, do you?

Donna

Hell, yeah! Have you seen those Dothraki dudes? They can get it! Everyone on that show can get it!

Ann

Stop bidding on my waffle iron.

Ben

You're futuremrstigerwoods?

Ann

I made that profile, like, ten years ago. I don't know how to change it. The point is I'm getting that waffle iron for Leslie for Breakfast Day.

Ben

Uh, no, you're not. I'm getting it for her for Waffle Day. Wait, you have a breakfast day too? Mine's in June.

Ann

Please, Ben. This is the celebration of the anniversary of the first time we hung out at JJ's, which she considers the beginning of our friendship.

Ben

Well, imagine being married to her. It's like being smothered with a hand-quilted pillow filled with cherished memories. I can't believe I'm complaining about how thoughtful my wife is. [loud to the room] Sorry, honey. I love you.

Ann

Look, I have known her for longer, I have five years' worth of anniversaries, so I have seniority.

Ben

Oh, god. Oh, no! We've lost the auction.

Ann

What- no!

Ben

Somebody swooped in at the last second, and now we're both screwed.

Ann

No! Okay, Tyrion Lannister, why don't you just cast a spell and get us the waffle iron back?

Ben

Oh, okay. I don't even have time to tell you how wrong you are. [pause] Actually, it's gonna bug me if I don't. The Lannisters while very wealthy, do not possess the magical abilities of, say, the warlocks of Qarth for example.

Ann

This is why we don't hang out.

Leslie

Hey this is a surprise!

Ann

Yeah I just wanted to chat for a sec, you know just so you could hear some things from me. Verbal things from my mouth. Did that sound weird?

Leslie

Is everything okay?

Ann

Yeah everything's fine! First of all, this is Evelyn.

Leslie

Oh hello!

Ann

She is my Health Department counterpart from Eagleton.

There really wasn't a ton of work for me there. Eagletonians are very healthy.

Leslie

Oh well this might be a very interesting challenge for you because Pawnee has the very first documented case of Mega Diabetes. And the only known occurrence of Lou Gehrig's other disease. We've been written about in textbooks.

Ann

Thanks Evelyn I'll see you back in my office. I just need to talk some more words into Leslie's face.

Leslie

Wow I feel sorry for her. I mean nobody can fill your shoes Ann, with your tiny little doll feet.

Ann

Yeah actually that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I uh...I'm gonna step down and I'm gonna turn my job over to Evelyn.

Leslie

What!? No! Did somebody put you up to this? Was it Evelyn? I knew she was a monster!

Ann

Okay we need to talk!

Leslie

I'm sorry Ann I can't understand you. You've developed some accent from that new town you might move to!

Dr. Saperstein

So look at this baby! That is the most symmetrical fetus I've ever seen. This could be a superhero!

Chris

Dr. Saperstein. I know that we should hate you because you destroyed our friend's business but we love you so much!

Ann

We love you!

Dr. Saperstein

I'm lovable! So, do you wanna know the sex?

Chris

Oh my God! Should we?

Ann

No, right? Or maybe yes?

Chris

Is there an option other than yes or no?

Dr. Saperstein

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna write it down. Then I'm gonna put it in an envelope, seal it and then when you're ready, Voila!

Ann

That'll be fun!

Chris

It's like the Oscars!

Ann

Hey let's get some food I'm starving! Wait no, I have to pee. Wait no, I have to barf. Actually all three. Being pregnant is great!

Chris

...

Chris

I would be thrilled if we have a girl!

Ann

Aww tiny dresses! Braids! Glitter on everything! Forget it!

Chris

And also girls' names are so cute! Daisy, Annabelle, Lily...

Ann

Olive, Rosemary...Chicken...Fifty burritos...Oh my God I'm starving! [To the waitress] Miss! Hi! I'm pregnant and I'm a little bit crazy so if you don't bring our appetizers out in the next 30 seconds I'm gonna plunge your face into the deep fryer!

Chris

And also two waters please but no hurry.

Ann

Thank you!