Ben Wyatt quotes from Parks and Recreation

Leslie

How did you find out?

Ron

We've worked together for a while now. I'd like to think I know you pretty well. Plus, Ben butt-dialed me last night.

Leslie

[over phone] OK, OK, and this is how Eleanor Roosevelt would kiss.

Ben

[over phone] Whoa, Eleanor likes the tongue. Show me Pelosi again.

Leslie

[over phone] OK, lay down...

Leslie

Please tell me you hung up before Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Ron

Unfortunately not.

Ben

Ugh.

Ron

This is a scandal waiting to happen. If you get caught which you CLEARLY will, Chris will fire you and I won't be able to stop him.

Leslie

Ron, we're being very careful.

Leslie

[over phone] Oh President Reagan, my blazer popped open.

Ben

[over phone impersonating Ronald Reagan] Well, Maggie Thatcher, let me help you with that. Our countries have had a very special relationship.

Leslie

OK, yes...

Leslie

[over phone] Oh no!

Leslie

...You've proven your point.

Ben

Umm hi. Are you the receptionist?

I guess. I don't really know.

Ben

If you don't mind me asking, how much are they paying you?

$100,000 a year! With full medical.

Ben

...

Ben

I would guess that they'll be bankrupt by the end of...this sentence!

Joan

When I was 18, Val Kilmer saw me at a mall and told me I should model.

Ben

...That never happened.

Tom

So Joan how is married life treating ya? Your husband still know he's the luckiest man in the world?

Joan

Santino and I are actually divorcing.

Tom

Oh...

Joan

It's actually quite liberating. I'm a woman with a strong sexual appetite. I'm like a caged peacock yearning for the wind on her haunches.

Ben

That's a...powerful metaphor...

Joan

Drink up, Tom. I'm gonna go powder my nose... amongst other things... if you know what I mean.

Ben

Is she going to powder her vagina?

Tom

So Ben, tell us about Star Trek.

Ben

Well, they're making a sequel. [pause] I assume with the same alternate storyline, but if JJ Abrams and company expect us to believe that it's Spock with the romantic tension with Uhura and not Kirk, well let's just say the message boards are going nuts.

Joan

[drunkenly] You know what I wanna do? I wanna take you both home and [bleep] bend you both over and just[bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep] at the same time.

Donna

What is wrong with you today? Did they cancel Game of Thrones?

Ben

Nothing is wrong, just do your job. And they would never cancel Game of Thrones. It's a crossover hit. It's not just for fantasy enthusiasts, they're telling human stories in a fantasy world.

Donna

I really want this dress and I like this crystal beetle but it's expensive and there's no use for it.

Tom

Donna Meagle. Treat Yo Self.

Ben

...

Tom

Velvet slippys, cashmere socks, velvet pants, cashmere turtle. I'm a cashmere, velvet candy cane.

Donna

Treat Yo Self!

Ben

...This is insane.

Tom

Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God! This is a whole new level of nerd!

Ben

You're right. This is ridiculous. What am I doing?

Tom

Wait no no no no no! I mean that in a good way Ben! Listen to me. You're part of the Treat Yo Self team now okay!? If that costume somehow makes you happy, you're gonna buy it! You're gonna wear it out of the store. Okay? You're gonna Treat Yourself!

Ben

Yeah you know what? I'm gonna do that! I'm gonna treat myself. Thanks you guys. [starts crying] I really needed this. I'm gonna treat myself!

Donna

Uh oh. Batman's crying.

Ben

I take it we're having a party?

Andy

Dude! I knew there was something I forgot to tell you. Sorry.

Ben

No, no, no. It's fine. Why should you guys tell me you're gonna have an enormous party? I didn't tell you I was gonna be quietly working in my room.

Andy

That's a good point.

Andy

We need to deal with what's bothering you.

Ben

[sarcastically] Oh please, come into my room.

Andy

See? You're angry at me and you're not talking about it and I'm gonna beat you up until you do because I'm mature.

Ben

It's a white flag, and you better start waving it now, Leslie!

Leslie

The only thing I'll be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother!

Ben

...Good Lord.

Ben

That is a three-legged dog.

Andy

His name is Champion cause he's the dog world's champion.

Ben

Okay I have to ask this, I'm sorry but how many legs did that dog have when you found him?

Andy

Three! That what makes him the best! He can do more with three legs than most dogs can do with four.

April

Except for digging! He's really bad a digging.

Andy

And we remembered what you said about making decisions in the house. You wanna be involved, we get that. So, you just say the word and Champion goes back to the pound where he can be put down and killed forever.

Ben

...I'm not gonna send a three-legged dog to his death.

Andy

Yes!

Ben

But I'm also not gonna take care of him for you.

April

Well it would be nice if you helped a little. Because unlike you, Andy and I have jobs.

Ben

...Cruel but fair.

Andy

Aww cool cryptex! Can I have it!?

Ben

Hey! No, no you can't!

Andy

Where'd you get it!?

Ben

How do you know what a cryptex is?

Andy

I know what things are.

Ben

Well Leslie hid the location of our Valentine's meeting place in here. I've tried every five letter word that has anything to do with our third date.

Andy

Have you tried 'Fuck!?'

Ben

...That's a four letter word.

Andy

Oh. Add an 'S'?

Ben

I really don't think it's that.

Andy

I wish I could help you bro, I don't know if I can. You're like the second smartest guy I know. You should go to the first smartest guy I know.

Ben

So the clue is inside and it takes a five-letter code to open.

Ron

...Did you try 'Fucks?'

Andy

Ha!

Ben

Yes! Why is that everyone's first suggestion?!

Andy

Just smart people.

Ron

I think I might be able to help you.

Andy

Told ya!

Look Knope, I've always liked you, but the Newports run this town, and frankly they've donated a lot of money to the department.

Ben

Mo' money, mo' problems, that's what I always say.

How about mo' money, mo' protective kevlar vests that save lives?

Ben

I-I...sometimes I say that, too.

Leslie

I understand you need to think about it, but if you were gonna make a decision...

The guys are throwing me a little retirement thing tonight at O'Flinigans. There's gonna be beer so why don't you swing by, I'll give you an answer. Weirdo can come, too.

Ben

Alright.

Leslie

Let's go.

Ben

Oh hey, uh, may I say...

Leslie

Don't.

Ben

...that the boys in blue...

Leslie

Stop.

Ben

...are heroes. Obviously some more than others. Oh boy, here it comes........9/11.

Leslie

And we're walking.

Ben

OK.

Andy

Okay, listen up folks, we have a security situation here. As you know when we reach the location, I will be conducting a security sweep. Also, from now on, we will be using code names. You can address me, as “Eagle 1”. Ann, Codename “Been There Done That.” April is “Currently Doing That.” Donna is “It Happened Once in a Dream.” Chris codename “If I Had to Pick a Dude.” Ben is “Eagle 2”.

Ben

Oh thank God.