Ben Wyatt quotes from Parks and Recreation

Ben

Okay. How about some calzones?

Leslie

Calzones are like pizzas but they're harder to eat. They're dumb and so was that idea.

Ben

Seriously?

Tom

This is embarrassing for you.

Ron

Can we turn the radio off? This is our song.

Ben

Your song is 'Dancing On The Ceiling' by Lionel Richie? Oh! Wow look at that. You shaved off part of your mustache. That's lovely.

Ron

I didn't shave it off. It rubbed off...from friction.

Ben

Ugh!

Tom

Hey champ.

Ben

Hey champ...ion.

Tom

Listen, you should come out tonight. Club's gonna be dope. Plus, I'm pretty sure you have nothing else going on.

Ben

Well, that's not totally true. The owner of the motel I'm staying at said she was gonna screen Hope Floats in the lobby. Asked me if I wanted to watch.

Tom

Yeah...You should probably get out of that. I think she's gonna murder you.

Tom

Watch the master work it. I'm the Yoda of networking.

Ben

Well Yoda wouldn't actually need networking. I mean his powers were more spiritual-

Tom

SHUT UP YOU NERD!

Ben

I get it. Okay.

Leslie

I am so proud of all of you! You've worked so hard, you're amazing! So I have a surprise. And it is possibly the best thing to potentially ever happen to anyone anywhere in the history of the universe. Ladies and gentlemen, the world famous Li'l Sebastian!

Ron

Well done Leslie! Well done!

Leslie

Li'l Sebastian made his debut at the last Harvest Festival in 1987 and he was an instant phenomenon. For the next few years, Sebastian was the number one boys name in Pawnee...and the number three girl's name!

Ben

So what am I missing? What's the deal with this pony?

Tom

He's not a pony Ben! He's a mini horse, there's a big difference.

Ben

Well then why is he so famous? Does he do something? What does he do?

Ron

Son, this horse has an honorary degree from Notre Dame.

Leslie

We all need to be very careful. Okay remember, this little guy is 25 now. And he has cataracts in both eyes. He has severe arthritis. Jerry's going to look after him.

Jerry

Yes I am. We are on the same diabetes medication. Are you my Glucotrol buddy!? Are you!?

Leslie

Isn't it amazing!

Ben

Yeah I just gotta be honest. I don't know what the big deal is.

...

Leslie

Get out!

Andy

Morning Roomie! How'd ya sleep?

Ben

Well there were no bedbugs...also no bed...I'm gonna go buy a bed. I'm sorry, are you eating turkey chili off of a Frisbee?

Andy

Hahahaha yeah it's really cute right?

Ben

No. Do you know what cute means?

Ron

So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.

Leslie

...I did. I broke it.

Ron

No. No you didn't. Tom?

Tom

Don't look at me. Look at Ben.

Ben

What?! I didn't break it.

Tom

Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?

Ben

Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.

Tom

Suspicious.

Ben

No it's not!

Jerry

If it matters, probably not, but April was the last one to use it.

April

Liar! I don't even drink that crap!

Jerry

Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?

April

I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that Jerry!

Leslie

Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it Ron.

Ron

No! Who broke it!?

Ben

Ron...Donna's been awfully quiet.

Donna

REALLY?!

Ron

[being interviewed] I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it. I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.

Chris

We need to find a new PR Director for the health department. Dennis Cooper was fired today.

Ben

Why?

Chris

Short answer, he went bananas. Long answer, his wife Jan had an affair, gave him a venereal disease, so he put signs about her all through city hall. I'm sure you've seen them.

Oh yeah.

Chris

"Jan Cooper will give you Chlamydia. Brought to you by the Pawnee Health Department."

Ann

No offense, but maybe you think I'm going too fast 'cause you're going too slow with Ben!

Leslie

No offense, but I'm going slow 'cause I might lose my job!

Ann

No offense, but maybe that's a little bit of an excuse for not acting on your feelings!

Leslie

No offense, but I don't remember you having a nursing degree in feelings!

Ann

Offense! That's rude! I'm gonna go dance. Douche, you're up!

Mmm-hmm!

Ben

Hey, are you OK? I heard yowling.

Leslie

Yeah, I'm very angry and I'm really drunk. Do you wanna dance with me? Go get me another snork juice.

Ben

Oh, that's maybe not the best idea for you.

Leslie

Forget it! Jean-Ralphio!

Jean-Ralphio

[immediately appears] Yes, I'm here!

Leslie

Dance up on me!

Jean-Ralphio

Yes, yes, yes!

Andy

You've gotta try role play. That's what me and April do.

Ben

...that explains the outift.

Andy

Yeah you gotta dream up some weird scenario like you're her boss and sex is forbidden because she works for you.

Ben

...That is our actual situation.

Andy

And she's addicted to spanking.

Ben

Okay. Thanks, we got it. We're good.

Donna

This "Snake Juice" is basically rat poison. Everybody's wasted.

Leslie

You don't even know one thing, I didn't even say one thing and then she asked me the whole thing and I didn't even do it once!

Tom

I'm like an elephant, OK? If I walk into a room, it's like OK, he's in there.

Ann

I'm gonna tell you...That...That bitch over there...I'm...I'm gonna tell..I don't have to...I don't have to brag.

Ben

Baba booey.

Andy

Turn this music down. [singing] Farts and boobs and love and stuff... macaroni salad...

April

[rapidly speaks Spanish]

Ben

Leslie, we have to go hire a new PR director for the health department.

Leslie

Oh my god I'm so hungover. I've never been this hungover. Are we dead?

Ben

I feel great. I ran a 5K this morning.

Leslie

Really?

Ben

No, I threw up in the shower.

Ben

You're wearing snow pants...

Ann

I got home last night and I thought I might go sledding...

Leslie

You came!

Ann

Yeah I had some encouragement.

Ben

Your sweater's on inside-out.

Ann

And backwards! It's been a tough morning. Lots of regret and shame. Should be the official slogan for Snake Juice.

Leslie

Uh well this committee would like to ask if you are the kind of candidate who could forgive someone after they behaved like a complete jackass.

Ann

This candidate could, especially since this candidate also behaved like a total jackass.

Leslie

Please don't worry about it. The committee totally understands.

Ann

Also, I can talk about my qualifications for this position but first, I am gonna go throw up in a wastebasket.

Leslie

Would you mind if I joined you?

Ann

Not at all! Shall we?

Leslie

Okay you need to be strong, powerful, decisive. This is not a meeting, it's a battle. Normal meeting rules do not apply. I'll be my mom and I'm gonna be very harsh with you and it's only because I like you a lot.

Ben

Okay.

Leslie

Go!

Ben

Hello-

Leslie

Wrong.

Ben

What?

Leslie

No preambles. No introductions. Just walk in and start talking.

Ben

...Id like to discuss the school bus-

Leslie

I'd like to discuss your rhyming, Dr. Seuss. And you should be sitting by now.

Ben

What?

Leslie

Just walk in and take a seat.

Ben

Um...

Leslie

"Um" is the sound in "dumb." That's what she says to people. And now you've crossed your legs like a woman.

Ben

God! Okay should we just start over?

Leslie

No, we need to put a pin in this. Here is a list of my mother's top 10 conversation topics starting with Persian rugs, ending with Daniel Craig. You have 10 minutes to memorize it.

Ben

"Deliverance," the movie?

Leslie

Mmmhmmm.

Ben

Oh God.