Tom Haverford quotes from Parks and Recreation

Chris

This is the best possible job for me. I could literally make anything sound positive.

Tom

Your house just burned down and you lost all your money in the stock market.

Chris

It's a chance to start over. Fire is cleansing. And true wealth is measured by the amount of love in your life.

Hey! What the hell guys?! Move!

Donna

Alright! Ya'll got your seat belts on?

Donna

Did you see that!? That son of a bitch just rear-ended me!

Tom

Am I dead?

WHAT THE HELL!?

Donna

Exactly Bill. What the hell? You just rear-ended me.

That is not what happened.

Donna

I got witnesses.

Tom

Yeah. It went down exactly as my girl said it did you mean bald man.

[To Ron] Hey what about you? Mister "a man's word is sacred."

Ron

Well it is but you're an asshole.

Donna

So we can settle this now. I will accept payment in van rentals.

GAH!

Tom

Well done Team! What do ya think of the place?

Ann

Do you really like this yellow paint? I mean I know it was on sale but it looks a lot like dried phlegm.

Donna

For real Tom. This place is sad. I think one of the mannequins tried to commit suicide.

Chris

I think what's important is that we all had a goal, and we achieved it.

Ann

So you like the place?

Chris

Oh no it's quite terrible.

Tom

This is the best I can do for now. And I'm $46 under budget! Now I have a small treat for you guys for all your hard work. Pizza Party!

Jerry

One small pizza for all of us!? With no toppings!?

Tom

Cheese is a topping Jerry! And why are all these lights blaring by the way? Does somebody own stock in the electric company? [shuts the lights off]

Ron

Hmm. If there were more food and fewer people this would be the perfect party.

Tom

Welcome to the new new Rent-A-Swag now with 30% more swag. I used the money you guys gave me to add a little flair and I took everything I own in my house and brought it here. Except for my bed. I basically live here now.

Ron

I hate all of this. Which probably means it's good for your business.

Ann

You should at least invite Jerry to the dinner.

Tom

HA! That's hilarious. You should do stand-up.

Ann

...If you're kidding you suck but if you're serious, I actually have been thinking about it. Hey April, Matlock called, he wants his cardigan back. BOOM! I'm out. [walks out]

April

Who's Matlock?

Tom

In honor of Jerry Dinner, let's each say our favorite Jerry moment from the past year.

April

Yes!

Tom

Mine was the time he slipped on the cinnabun and landed in a bunch of garbage.

April

My favorite Jerry moment was when he ate a bowl of glue!

Andy

My favorite Jerry moment is when you switched out his potato soup with glue and he didn't know. You're so cute when you're bullying babe!

Donna

...You know what, Ann was right. This is mean. We are going to pick up Jerry.

No!

Donna

It's Christmas time. Don't you wanna be good people?

Tom

Not really.

April

Never!

Ann

Well Well Well, You want to come in to Jerry's party. And why is that?

April

I need a place to deliver this baby Ann! It's coming out of me right now! I'm pregnant!

Ann

This is a lovely party, thrown by a lovely man and his lovely family. There's no place for meanies.

April

Oh forget it I'm coming in.

April

Ow! Get off me! Uhh!

Ann

You're so weak! Really? I mean I'm barely even doing anything. Are you iron deficient? Let me look at your pulse.

April

It's because of your man strength! Mann Perkins.

Tom

Let us in Ann it's cold outside and I can't wear mittens because they're unflattering to my hands!

Ann

Sorry guys. This is your penance. You can come in if you do something nice for Jerry.

Donna

Hey! I already did something nice for Jerry. I drove here to take him to Jerry Dinner.

Ann

Aww Donna! You can come in.

Donna

Oh okay! [walks inside while the others protest] He He He He! Merry Christmas Bitches!

Chris

To Tom Haverford! Wooo!

Tom

And to my wife Rihanna! We truly did find love in a hopeless place

Andy

You are officially a baller.

Tom

I've been a baller since birth, son. Now, I'm an athlete.

Ben

[trying to pick a caterer for his wedding] Tom, what about you?

Tom

Caterer number one's presentation was simple, mm, yet exhausting. Number two's was subtle and provocative, like a coy dutch woman guarding a dark secret.

Ben

Nothing you're saying is helpful.

Tom

But number three's told a story- a story from a book I wouldn't read but I would watch the movie of.

Ben

That's nonsense.

Jerry

When I heard Ben was getting married, I was all, "to Leslie or to Game of Thrones."

Tom

Nooooo... Jerry!

Tom

Pop quiz. Name the scent.

Ben

Ummm Spasm. No, Butterface.

Tom

Ron, ask me if I am sad.

Ron

No

Leslie

I also have a little surprise. I'd like to introduce our new filing temp...

Jerry

[walking in] Hey everybody!

April

NOOOOO!

Tom

Noooo! Why!? This can't be happening!

Ron

Why Leslie!?

Tom

Good news. We have multiple bidders. That guy's getting his financials together. Plans on tearing the whole place down, just wants it for the land.

Ron

Why would he tear down a perfectly good cabin?

Donna

I think he's a developer who wants to put in a luxury glamp ground. Glamping is Glamour Camping. Heated tents, catered meals, Wi-Fi...

Ron

You're describing a hotel.