Tom Haverford quotes from Parks and Recreation

Tom

May I say for the record that is a dope pocket square

Tom

One time my refrigerator stopped working and I had no idea what do to! I just moved.

Tom

I'm gonna buy some sweat pants and a Nicholas Sparks novel. Might as well lean into it.

Tom

Your son, he's my best friend, he's like a brother to me, but he's a disaster. And your daughter, she needs to be put in a mental institution. On an island. In space.

Park, huh? Sounds like a really good idea.

Mark

Great. Would you be willing to come to a town meeting and show your support?

Absolutely. Now is this park gonna have a playground or maybe a pool for the kids?

Mark

Oh, how old are your kids?

No kids.

Tom

Uh-oh.

April

I'm gonna put him down as a "yes."

Mark

Don't do that.

Also, is the park gonna be at least a thousand feet from my house? Because, y'know, I really can't move again.

Mark

April, please stand behind me.

Ron

Tommy boy. Lemme tell you something,

Tom

You suck at Scrabble. I know. You're destroying me.

Ron

You're worse than my ex-wife and she's terrible at Scrabble. [looks at camera] And she's a bitch.

Tom

Look out, man, I'm gonna get you one of these days. I'm practicing.

Ron

Yeah, I doubt that. [looks at camera] Her name is Tammy Swanson and she's a serious bitch.

Mark

Hey Parks Department.

Ron

Hey Mark, this is Beth, my ex-wife Tammy's better looking sister.

Nice to meet you.

Mark

Nice to meet you. You guys are together?

Ron

Yep. My ex-wife Tammy cheated on me, then we divorced, then last week I ran into her sister Beth here, turns out she hates Tammy too, so we started dating. It's like a fairy tale.

Tammy stinks.

Tom

Brendanawicz!

Mark

Hey Tom.

Tom

Hey, I want you to meet my wife.

Hi, I'm Wendy Haverford.

Mark

[shocked because Wendy is attractive] Hi. You're...Tom's wife?

Don't hold it against me.

Tom

Look at how hot she is! Isn't that crazy? And she's a surgeon! She makes a ton of money! BAM!

April

This is Derek.

Mark

Cool. How long you guys been dating?

April

We're just friends. He's like the gayest person I've ever met, but I make out with him when I'm drunk sometimes.

Mark

If you don't want to talk to me, you can just say so.

April

I don't want to talk to you.

Leslie

Do you think that marrying penguins made some kind of statement?

Tom

Yes. The statement was that you're very lonely and you need a pet.

Leslie

[beep] Andy, it's Leslie, what did you mean when you said it's your only option? I think we should talk without lawyers present. If you want to meet just put a white chalk X on the mailbox across the street from city hall...or call me back. Just call me back!

Tom

Hmm that was weird.

Leslie

How long have you been there!?

Leslie

News flash! We're screwed! We got a big problem with the library.

Tom

Punk ass book jockeys!

Ann

Wait why do we hate the library?

Leslie

The library is the worst group of people ever assembled in history. They're mean, conniving, rude and extremely well read which makes them very dangerous.

Mark

The new deputy director of the department is Tammy Swanson.

Leslie

Ron's ex-wife? That's terrific! Or is that awful? I mean he hates her but he knows her. Everything's okay. Or is it just the same?

Tom

Leslie. You're thinking out loud again.

Leslie

Am I? I am.

Jerry

For my murinal, I was inspired by the death of my grandma—

Tom

You said "murinal!"

Jerry

No, I didn't.

Ann

Yes, you did. You said "murinal." I heard it.

Jerry

Anyway, she—

April

Jerry, why don't you put that murinal in the men's room so people can murinate all over it?

Tom

Jerry, go to the doctor. You might have a murinary tract infection.

Jerry

...Just wanted to show you my art...

Murinal! Murinal! Murinal!

Leslie

Disqualified!

Jerry

It's Pointillism. And each dot is a photo of the citizen of the town—

Tom

[from other room] No one cares! At all!

Leslie

The only trails he's gonna be surveying are trails of lies and deception. Ron has a special deal with the park rangers. Every November they let him use their cabin so he can go on a secret hunting trip with all the guys in the office.

Tom

Not all the guys. He's never taken me.

Leslie

Fine. All the men.

Ron

Now every year before we go on our first hunt we do a toast so grab a beer. [everyone opens a beer] To the hunt.

Here here!

Leslie

And to the hunters! The only way to defeat the beast, is to find the beast within.

Tom

Ron your toast sucked.

Leslie

Okay I think it's a little weird that nobody wants to admit they shot Ron in the head.

Tom

Maybe Ron shot himself.

Leslie

Hmmm he has seemed really depressed lately.

Mark

He was shot in the back of the head!

Leslie

You're right he loves the back of his head, he would never shoot himself there!

Tom

It could've been someone else that shot Ron. Someone not in our group.

Jerry

You think someone is hunting us?

Tom

Man is the most dangerous game.

Donna

For the Predator!

Tom

I did smell something out there and it wasn't human.

Leslie

That was pine trees.

Donna

The predator can see heat.

Tom

We should cover ourselves in mud. It could still be out there.