Del Boy Trotter quotes from Only Fools and Horses

Del

How many people can you see standing there?

Uncle Albert

Well... one.

Del

I can see - two.

Rodney

You know what that means, Albert?

Uncle Albert

No.

Rodney

Well, either Raquel's pregnant or Del's pissed.

Raquel

You bastard! You just walked out and left us!

Del

What else could I do? I could hardly go up to Eugene's table and go "Ha, ha! That was alright. Different, weren't it?" Did you finish the performance?

Raquel

Oh yes, Derek. We saw it through to the death. "Please Welease Me", "Congwatulations", and "The Gween Gween Gwass of Home"!

Rodney

And that was followed by a medley of wock and woll! [bursts out laughing]

Del

[coldly] That is not funny, Wodney- Rodney!

Albert

Who's there?

Can I speak to Mr. Twotter?

Raquel

It's Tony, let him in.

I've come for me money.

Del

All right, not now son. I'm up to my eyes in it. Come back tomorrow.

No. Not tomowwow. I want me money now. I did the performance, didn't I? I did the wepotoire that you - YOU -insisted on.

Del

I didn't know you couldn't pronouce your R's!

What does that matter?

Albert

Quite a lot when you sing songs with R's in.

I don't sing songs with R's in. And if the song has got an R in it, I change the lywics.

Del

Then why didn't you change the lywics tonight?

How can I change the lywics to "Cwying"?! The bloody song's called "Cwying"!

We signed a contwact.

Del

Ah yes, but my brother drew up that contract, and he put in a get out clause, didn't you, Rodney?

Rodney

No.

Del

Then why didn't you?

Rodney

You didn't tell me to. I ain't a lawyer, I sweep up and make the tea.

Roy Slater

I turned to crime. [Del and friends look at each other] I got involved in that diamond-smuggling caper. [Del and friends slowly start walking to the door whilst Slater speaks] And as I, of all people, should know, I got collared. [He stands up and approaches Del and friends, who return to the wall they were at earlier; loudly] I spent three and a half years in a ten foot by six foot prison cell, trying to work out where I'd gone wrong in life. [sits down; melodramatically] Whilst in prison, I found Jesus!

Del

[not impressed] What had they fitted him up with?

Slater

To be more precise, Jesus found me...[sadly]was around about the time I got a message...to say...my old man had...passed away.

Del

[softly] I know, Roy. I went to his funeral.

Slater

Thanks, Del. I wish I could have gone.

Trigger

Why didn't you?

Denzil

Probably because he didn't have a black suit and a bloody big ladder! He was in nick, Trig!

Trigger

Yeah, but I thought they let you out for acts of God like funerals and weddings.

Slater

I applied for temporary compassionate release. My mum wrote to the prison governor...

Denzil

And he wouldn't let you go?

Slater

Not after what that old cow put in her letter!

Raquel

(when Rodney arrives at the Nag's Head after cleaning Del's recently accquired Capri Ghia) Your finger's bleeding, Rodney.

Rodney

Yeah, that happened when me hand went straight through the bodywork! I'm bleeding, see! There's blood! Oh yeah. Mike, you got a plaster?

Del

Oi, what do you mean your hand went through straight through the bodywork?

Rodney

There's a big rust hole in the wing. Boycie's blokes had stuffed it full of newspapers and body-filler and sprayed over it.

Boycie

That's slanderous, Rodney. That must have happened before I took possession of the vehicle!

Rodney

They were yesterday's newspapers!

Boycie

I remember a few years back when I had that important client coming over from Belgium and I was trying to get tickets to Wimbledon to impress him. You said "Leave it to me Boycie, I gotta contact at Wimbledon."

Del

I got you two tickets!

Boycie

That's right! They drew nil-nil with Ipswich!

Del

Ever since you went vegetarian, you've become a right miserable git.

Raquel

There's nothing wrong with being vegetarian Del.

Rodney

That's right! One in five people in this country now refuse to eat meat. Mickey Pearce has become a vegetarian.

Del

Yeah, but only since he got the sack from World Of Leather. A man needs a bit of fat and stodge to solid things up. Any doctor'll tell you that. All that carrot and cabbage cobblers, no wonder you're depressed.

Rodney

I am depressed because of the state of the state of my life at the moment. I've got this horrible feeling that if there is such a thing as reincarnation, knowing my luck I'll come back as me!

Del

Never give up on people, Rodney. I know that most of the time they don't seem to understand. But when you're in trouble and you cry out for help, some will always be there. Trigger's cousin Cyril's a perfect example. He owed 500 quid on his mortgage.

Trigger

They were gonna be thrown out on the street the following day. he was very worried about it.

Mike

So what happened Trig?

Trigger

He drove out to Beachy Head. Parked about five foot from the edge of the cliff.

Albert

What, he was gonna drive off it?

Trigger

Yeah! He just sat there for a couple of hours, his head resting on the steering wheel. People tried to talk to him out of it but he was too depressed to listen.

Del

But then, and this is what I mean about people, Rodney, they had a whip-round and got him his 500 quid.

Rodney

No! Who held the whip-round?

Del

All the passengers on his bus.

Del

Who is it, friend or enema? [laughs] Get it? - friend or enema!

Raquel

Shut up, Del.

Del

Yeah... yeah, shut up, Del... I'll just go and see who that is, sweetheart. [opens the door to find Albert]

Albert

The specialists are on their way, Del.

Del

Good, good Unc, you go and sit down now, go on.

Del

Oh, excuse me, John, we're having a baby in here.

I know. That's why I'm here.

Del

What are you, a pervo, or something?!

This is Mr McCallum - he's the midwife.

Del

But he's a bloke!

I'm a trained midwife. Now please, get out of my way.

Raquel

[panting] Just let him do his job, Del.

Del

No, he's a bloke!

Raquel

I don't care if he's a trained chimp, get out of his way!

Rodney

Is it... normal?

Del

What do you mean, normal?

Rodney

No... numbers or anything?

Del

What do you think this is? A bloody raffle?

Del

It's a baby, Raquel.

Raquel

I've been wondering what that swelling was.

Denzil

[exasperated about Del being secretive] How can we be certain that this stuff [indicates the barrels containing the substance] isn't dangerous?!

Del

[equally exasperated about Denzil's supposed insubordination] Because it is not! And that's the truth! [he goes into the shed, closing the door behind him]

Trigger

There you are, you've heard it from the horse's mouth, now. You get that end... [moves to pick up one of the barrels]

Denzil

What d'ya mean, I've heard it from the horse's mouth?! That's Derek Trotter in there, not bloody Einstein!

Trigger

Del knows what he's talking about. And I don't see what the Beatles' manager's got to do with it anyway.

Denzil

[frustrated] But Trig... [thinks on what Trigger has just said] What?!

Trigger

When we was at school, Del was the best in our class at chemistry. He used to sell homemade fireworks. He even blew up the science lab once.

Denzil

[angry] Yes, I remember! I was doing detention in there at the time!

Trigger

And you say he don't know what he's talking about?

Denzil

[annoyed] Right, that's it, Del! I am not touching them! I'm off!

Del

[still in the shed, therefore unseen] Denzil, now, believe me, it's harmless! And to prove it, I'm gonna help you carry it! Well, I can't play fairer than that, can I?

Trigger

Look, it can't be dangerous, Denzil.

Denzil

How can you be sure?!

Trigger

Cause Del's just offered to help us carry 'em.

Denzil

Yeah, all right, Trig. All right.

Del

[enthusiastically] Lovely jubbly!

It's closed!

Trigger

(checks watch) Well, it's a bit late, innit?.

Del

(turns to face Trigger) What d'you mean, "it's a bit late"? You said it was open twenty-four hours a day!

Trigger

Yeah, but not at night!

Del

Bint!

Denzil

[despairingly] So what do we do now? We've got six thousand gallons of...something, in the back of my van!

Trigger

We could take it down the other council depot I used to work at.

Del

Is it open?

Trigger

No.

Denzil

[angry] Well, what's the point of taking it to your depot if that's not open either?!

Trigger

[puts his hand in his pocket] Well, it soon will be open. [takes his hand out of his pocket. A set of keys are hanging from his fingers.] I got a spare set of keys here.

Del

[glaring at Trigger] Bloody hell!

Denzil

[to Del] Are you sure this is all right?

Del

[angrily] WELL, WHO CARES?!

Trigger

[nonchalantly] Yeah, no problems. [leans forward, to look backwards] Come on, back up. You're all right behind, Denzil.

Denzil

I mean, is it legal?!

Del

[angrily] YES! [Denzil jumps back in his seat] JUST... HUSH UP WITH YOU, DENZIL! [faces forward; calmer] Stone me, it's bloody hot in here! I can't see the fascination with this diving lark!

Denzil

This could be anything, Trig! For all we know this could be... Well, this could be bloody Concorde fuel!

Del

No, honest, it's not Concorde fuel, it's anti-freeze from the Starship Enterprise!