Uncle Albert quotes from Only Fools and Horses

Albert

Good evening to you all.

Albert

Who's Rachel?

Albert

(when Damien throws the ball into his bedroom) Little git! (walks into the living room) I fought for this country shot and shell and how they treat ya? Ain't bloody fair, eh?

Albert

Your name Rodney, son?

Rodney

Well, it is when Trigger's not about!

Albert

Do you know I was torpedoed five times?

Rodney

Yeah?

Albert

Yeah. Do you know what they called me?

Rodney

Jonah?

Albert

No, they didn't call me "Jonah"... Not many of them. They used to call me "Boomerang Trotter" cause I always came back.

Albert

(heading into Grandad's bedroom) I might as well kip down in there, eh?

Del

No, no, you can't go in there. That's my Grandad's room!

Albert

Yeah but - I'm his brother!

Del

Yeah, that don't make no difference. Only me and Rodney are allowed in that room! Thatroom is gonna remain exactly as he left it! That room is going to be a shrine dedicated to the memory of my grandfather.

Albert

I understand, Del.

Del

No, we'll just have to think of something else that's all. Listen, if I get the big mattress out of Rodney's room I can put it down. No, I'd never get it through the door would I.

Rodney

Oi, where'd you want these then?

Del

Oh, sling them in Grandad's room for now will you, Rodney.

Uncle Albert

[shaking his head at Rodney] They must have seen him coming! [Del enters, glaring at Rodney]

Del

Morning unc.

Albert

Morning son.

Del

What's it like out?

Albert

Oh it's parky Del.

Del

Nice thick frost, is there?

Albert

Bit slippery under foot.

Del

Good. Lovely little flecks of snow?

Albert

Bit of sleet yeah.

Del

Cushty. Nice brisk northerly wind howling in from the Urals is there?

Albert

Cuts right through yer, Del.

Del

Lovely. 'Cause you see today Uncle Albert, owing to young Rodney's foresight and GCE's, while all them other plonkers down the market are selling woolly hats and thermal underwear, we're gonna make a right killing! Do you know why we're gonna make a killing? We ain't got woolly underwear. We've got sun tan lotion! And we ain't just got a little drop of sun tan lotion... We've got 500 bloody quid's worth of the stuff!

Rodney

I told you before, I bought it as an investment.

Del

An investment!? Menage a trois! In the middle of the worst winter for two million years, with the weathermen laying odds on a new ice age, this dipstick goes out and buys up Ambre Solaire!

Rodney

The weathermen are also forecasting a boiling hot summer! So come May or June, we can sell all that, or swap it for something else!

Del

Like 50 or 60 anoraks, maybe!

Rodney

You won't give me no credit, will ya?

Albert

Nor will that Paki.

Rodney

Shut up Albert!

Albert

Nothing to do with me.

Del

That £500 that you squandered on this stuff was the last of the company's capital!

Rodney

Oh, and how was I supposed to know that?

Del

(incredulous) How were you supposed to know that!? You're the firm's accountant, you wally!!!

Rodney

Throw that at me now, will ya?

Del

Oh, look at that! We've got nothing to sell and no money to buy with.

Albert

Well it can't be that bad, Del. There must be something you can knock out.

Del

Yeah. I know what I would like to knock out! [glowers at Rodney]

Albert

What's in the van?

Del

Nothing.

Albert

What's in the garage?

Rodney

The van.

Del

The only thing we've knocked out in the last month was that electric deep fryer I gave to the governor of the Nag's Head and I'm still waiting for a comeback on that!

Rodney

[gesturing at Albert] Well, it's him, innit? I mean ever since he came to live here, we've had nothing but bad luck!

Albert

What's he on about now!?

Del

Oh, I don't know!

Rodney

Alright, what about the time he was in the Navy!? Every single ship he ever sailed on either got torpedoed or divebombed! Two of them in peacetime! Del, that man is a jinx!

Del

Oh, leave it out, Rodney! Gordon Bennett, you'll be burning witches next!

Del

The only hole he hasn't fallen down is the black one in Calcutta. And what was it the insurance companies nicknamed him?!

Rodney

The Ferret.

Del

The Ferret!

Rodney

He's had fifteen previous lawsuits for falling down holes.

Del

Those are the known cases, Rodney! How many times has, you know, a landlord settled out of court with a quiet backhander to save all the aggro? [Albert joins them in his wheelchair; an irate Del blows cigar smoke in his face] Come on, then! How many pubs, off-licenses and drinking clubs have you done in your time?!

Albert

Well, quite a few, Del. [Del makes a furious noise] The first cellar I fell down was genuine, honest. But because I'd learned to fall properly, I didn't hurt myself, but I still got compensation and I thought 'This is handy!' So whenever me and your grandad was hard up for a few bob, I'd go and fall down a hole. I was only trying to help, Del.

Rodney

[incredulous] "Only trying to help"?! I was nearly done for contempt for court, [points to Del] his name has been sent to the Director of Public Prosecutions, and Solly and the brief look like they're gonna get defrocked! And you were only trying to help?!

Albert

I said I'm sorry, Rodney. I didn't want to do it; I mean, I'm past all that stuntman lark. But you two have been good to me these past few weeks, and I wanted to get some money to, well, repay you. [voice breaks] And I wanted to get your grandad his headstone. [Del and Rodney turn to him, surprised]

Del

[genuinely moved] You did this for Grandad's headstone?

Albert

He was my older brother Del. When I was a kid, he used to look after me. I never did anything for him – never had the chance to – until now.

Rodney

(upon losing a chunk of hair to one of Del's super-sharp combs) I'm going bald. Derek, I am 24 years old and I'm going bald!

Albert

That's supposed to be a sign of something.

Rodney

Yeah, it's a sign that I'm going bald.

Albert

I can't swim, Del.

Del

You used to be a sailor.

Albert

Don't mean a thing. Nelson couldn't swim.

Del

Of course he couldn't. He only had one bloody arm. He would have gone around in circles, wouldn't he?

Del

Can't you just find The Bear?

Albert

Well what does it look like?

Del

Well it looks like a bloody rabbit don't it!!!

Del

Rodney, what do you think you're playing at?

Albert

Come back and sit down, son!

What are you doing? There's only half an hour to go!

Del

You plonker!

You think I'm bald? Well I'm not!

Albert

Well that's one hell of a parting you've got there son!

Del

Australia! Where the men are men.

Albert

So are the women...

Del

What's that supposed to mean?