Tied for 8th most-quoted character in Only Fools and Horses: in 12 of its 342 quotes
Most scenes with: Trigger (7), Del Boy Trotter (5), Boycie (5)
Scenes with Mike 12
[Del and Mike, discussing Mike's plan to have the pub redecorated; Brendan has already offered to do it for £1000.]
I might be able to offer you a much better deal my son. I could get this pub decorated to the exact same standard as Brendan, and it would cost your brewery a mere £2000.
That must be a tempting offer, eh Rodney?
Well he's a born businessman isnt he?
Mike
Hang about, hang about. Why should I turn down an offer of £1000 and accept one of £2000?
Cos of all the advantages it has to offer, like my specialised profit sharing scheme. Let me explain how it works. The £2000 would be disbursed thus: there would be £500 for vous. £500 for vee.
Mike
What you mean I get 500 quid?
Mike
And what happens to the £1000 that's left over?
We give that to the Irishman and let him do the job.
Mike
(grinning) We got a deal, Mr. Trotter.
[Del returns from hospital in a wheelchair after his hang-gliding trip.]
This is my punishment, isn't it? Spending the rest of my life in this wheelchair.
Still, it could have been worse.
Mike
How?
My gran had one with a squeaky wheel.
Trigger is not enjoying his drink
Here, Mike, I ordered beer.
Mike
Don't try to be funny with me, Trigger! I'll tell you this much: I've had certificates for my beer.
Yeah, I've had a few days off work with it an' all.
[Mike and Boycie talk about Albert's terrible singing.]
Mike
Why does he keep doing it, eh?
God knows. I suppose at some time in his life, someone told him he could play the piano.
Mike
Yeah, but I'd like to meet the git who told him he could sing!
Mike
What is the matter with everyone today? Trigger's done nothing but moan, you've got a face like a constipated rat. At least when Del Boy comes in, he cracks a joke and has a laugh!
It is due to the activities of the aforementioned Del Boy that I have a face like a constipated rat! Derek popped in to see me this afternoon.
A lot richer than before he popped in to see me this afternoon. He sold me some video recorders, 70 pounds each, I snapped them up.
Mike
70 nicker each? What, they fall off the back of a lorry?
If they did, they were going around the bend in Düsseldorf!
Mike
How'd you mean?
I've just discovered that these machines only work on the continental current. To make them work on the British system would take a transformer the size of a suitcase, and an electrician of such genius I'd have to go head-hunting at Cape Canaveral!
EPElsie Patridge
(to Boycie, about the ghost of his father) He says you must be a good father. You must look after your child.
Is he having a pop at me or something?
Elsie, Boycie and his wife Marlene can't have kids.
Yeah they've been trying for years but nitto.
Yeah he's had tests, things frozen, the lot.
Mike
The hospital have just about given up with him.
(completely furious) Would you mind not discussing my personal life with strangers? You can tell my old man to keep his nose out of my business he was always going on at me for not giving him a grandchild.
All right calm down. (grins) Aubrey.
You can pack that in for a start. I'm gonna get a drink [He rises] It's all a load of rubbish anyway I never believed a word of it. [He considers] Excuse me.
Mike
Listen, I’ve er heard of the Driscoll brothers Del but I’ve never seen them. What do they look like?
Well one of them looks like he was evicted from The Planet of the Apes
Yeah, and the other one reminds me of Cliff Richards
Mike
What, he looks er younger than his years?
No, he’s got one of those faces that you wanna slap
Mike
No, I ain't seen him this evening.
Well that's funny his van's in the car park and what's this? A castella and a Malibu Reef? You sure he ain't around. Think hard, Guv'nor.
Mike
Well he may have been in earlier and then he left.
I see, you just had this place decorated?
Mike
(proudly) Yeah.
Shame. I want to buy everyone in the pub a drink, whatever they want. Now there's a pound, and I want change.
Large cognac, please, Michael.
[Mike and Trigger help Harry onto the coach.]
What d'you think's wrong with him?
Mike
What do I think? Well, snow-blindness would be my bet, Trig.
Yeah? I thought he was pissed.
Mike
So?
Mike
What name have they decided on?
If it's a girl they're calling her "Sigourney" after an actress, and if it's a boy they're naming him "Rodney" after Dave.
Never give up on people, Rodney. I know that most of the time they don't seem to understand. But when you're in trouble and you cry out for help, some will always be there. Trigger's cousin Cyril's a perfect example. He owed 500 quid on his mortgage.
They were gonna be thrown out on the street the following day. he was very worried about it.
Mike
So what happened Trig?
He drove out to Beachy Head. Parked about five foot from the edge of the cliff.
What, he was gonna drive off it?
Yeah! He just sat there for a couple of hours, his head resting on the steering wheel. People tried to talk to him out of it but he was too depressed to listen.
But then, and this is what I mean about people, Rodney, they had a whip-round and got him his 500 quid.
No! Who held the whip-round?
All the passengers on his bus.
Well Trigger could be considered an expert.
Mike
Trigger still doesn't know which end of the dart to throw.
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Only Fools and Horses · 342 quotes
