Raquel quotes from Only Fools and Horses

Raquel

Hello Boycie. I suppose I've got to ask you in?

Boycie

Yes. I'd like to get away as quick as possible. I've left my Mercedes parked downstairs and you know what they're like on this estate. They'd have the wheels off a Jumbo if it flew too low.

Raquel

The doctor told you to stay off fried food.

Del

Yes, I know, and the Doctor told Snow White to eat more fruit. But we all know what happened to that poor old cow.

Raquel

The tour doesn't start for another three months.

Del

Oh well, gives you plenty of time to meet more of them intelligent, sensitive actor people don't it?

Raquel

Derek, will you get it into your thick skull: I'm not trying to meet intelligent and sensitive people, I'm happy with you!

Raquel

You bastard! You just walked out and left us!

Del

What else could I do? I could hardly go up to Eugene's table and go "Ha, ha! That was alright. Different, weren't it?" Did you finish the performance?

Raquel

Oh yes, Derek. We saw it through to the death. "Please Welease Me", "Congwatulations", and "The Gween Gween Gwass of Home"!

Rodney

And that was followed by a medley of wock and woll! [bursts out laughing]

Del

[coldly] That is not funny, Wodney- Rodney!

Albert

Who's there?

Can I speak to Mr. Twotter?

Raquel

It's Tony, let him in.

I've come for me money.

Del

All right, not now son. I'm up to my eyes in it. Come back tomorrow.

No. Not tomowwow. I want me money now. I did the performance, didn't I? I did the wepotoire that you - YOU -insisted on.

Del

I didn't know you couldn't pronouce your R's!

What does that matter?

Albert

Quite a lot when you sing songs with R's in.

I don't sing songs with R's in. And if the song has got an R in it, I change the lywics.

Del

Then why didn't you change the lywics tonight?

How can I change the lywics to "Cwying"?! The bloody song's called "Cwying"!

Raquel

(about the women in the over-60's club) You should have more respect Mike. Those women went through the war for us.

Boycie

Yeah, you can still see the bomb damage on some of them.

Raquel

(when Rodney arrives at the Nag's Head after cleaning Del's recently accquired Capri Ghia) Your finger's bleeding, Rodney.

Rodney

Yeah, that happened when me hand went straight through the bodywork! I'm bleeding, see! There's blood! Oh yeah. Mike, you got a plaster?

Del

Oi, what do you mean your hand went through straight through the bodywork?

Rodney

There's a big rust hole in the wing. Boycie's blokes had stuffed it full of newspapers and body-filler and sprayed over it.

Boycie

That's slanderous, Rodney. That must have happened before I took possession of the vehicle!

Rodney

They were yesterday's newspapers!

Del

Ever since you went vegetarian, you've become a right miserable git.

Raquel

There's nothing wrong with being vegetarian Del.

Rodney

That's right! One in five people in this country now refuse to eat meat. Mickey Pearce has become a vegetarian.

Del

Yeah, but only since he got the sack from World Of Leather. A man needs a bit of fat and stodge to solid things up. Any doctor'll tell you that. All that carrot and cabbage cobblers, no wonder you're depressed.

Rodney

I am depressed because of the state of the state of my life at the moment. I've got this horrible feeling that if there is such a thing as reincarnation, knowing my luck I'll come back as me!

Del

Who is it, friend or enema? [laughs] Get it? - friend or enema!

Raquel

Shut up, Del.

Del

Yeah... yeah, shut up, Del... I'll just go and see who that is, sweetheart. [opens the door to find Albert]

Albert

The specialists are on their way, Del.

Del

Good, good Unc, you go and sit down now, go on.

Del

Oh, excuse me, John, we're having a baby in here.

I know. That's why I'm here.

Del

What are you, a pervo, or something?!

This is Mr McCallum - he's the midwife.

Del

But he's a bloke!

I'm a trained midwife. Now please, get out of my way.

Raquel

[panting] Just let him do his job, Del.

Del

No, he's a bloke!

Raquel

I don't care if he's a trained chimp, get out of his way!

Del

It's a baby, Raquel.

Raquel

I've been wondering what that swelling was.

Raquel

You see this girl here. I worked with her years ago when I was in show business. She was just a kid then! Look at her now, she's about to appear in the new James Bond film!

Cassandra

Ooh Pierce Brosnan.

Rodney

Now you don't need Pierce Brosnan dear, you've got me.

Cassandra

Yes, haven't I just?

Del

Well, I tell you what, Raquel. If she can be in a James Bond film, so could you.

Raquel

Oh shut up.

Del

No, you could.

Raquel

Don't be silly.

Del

I'm serious. I mean, look at her, she's a dog.

Del

(talking about why Rodney won't talk to Cassandra after the miscarriage) Yes I know, he's got a lot on his mind, Raquel.

Raquel

He's got a lot on his mind?! And how do you think Cassandra feels? She's the one who's had the miscarriage! She needs her husband by her side, not out drinking in some pub or club.

Del

Yes I know, but she's a woman, ain't she? She's stronger than Rodney.

(to Raquel) Mum, Uncle Rodders says that I'll be horrible when I'm all grown up.

Raquel

Oh did he?

Rodney

Yeah, well, they all are aren't they? They go through that Kevin and Perry stage.

Raquel

Yeah, suppose they are a bit annoying. But when you reach 21 a man leaves those days behind him and matures into a responsible adult.

Del

(on the phone) So, I squeezed this tube of onion puree into his hair gel! So Boycie goes to the wedding smelling like a Big Mac!

Raquel

Well that's the theory, anyway.

Trigger

(talking about his invention of a backscratcher made from chopsticks) Raquel, can you pass a message onto Del Boy?

Raquel

OK.

Trigger

Tell him there's been a bit of a setback. My paraffin heater melted the chopsticks. I might have to go to a Chinese shop. He'll understand.

Cassandra

Why do they do that?

Raquel

It's like I've told you, Cassandra. Women are from Venus, men are from Peckham!