Grandad quotes from Only Fools and Horses

Grandad

(to Rodney) Your dad always said that one day Del Boy would reach the top. There again, he always used to say that one day Millwall would win the cup!

Grandad

I don't know why they have these drug addiction centres. Aren't there enough drug addicts about as it is? Without them recruiting them.

Grandad

(on the telephone) Oh, hello Mr. Chin. No Del's gone out. I'm not sure... Where have you gone to, Del?

Grandad

(watching TV) That Sidney Potter's a good actor, ain't he Rodney? He was marvellous in Guess Who's Coming to Dinner.

Rodney

Yeah knock out Grandad. Sidney Potter?

Grandad

Yeah, you know him. Always plays the black fella.

Rodney

Sidney Poitier!

Grandad

Sidney Potter.

Del

Are you two at it again?

Rodney

Del. How do you pronounce that fella's name on the telly? Sidney Poitier or Potter?

Del

Personally, I'd pronounce it Harry Belafonte, but you two please yourselves.

Grandad

You wouldn't remember when I married your grandmother.

Del

(sarcastically) No.

Grandad

(On the phone) 'Ere, there's someone on the phone. It's Tim.

Del

Tim who?

Grandad

Tim the Talking Clock. (Rodney takes the phone as Del double checks the note)

Del

Hold a cow! She only phoned the talking clock before she left! And this i-- (turns the note over) Gordon Bennett, this is dated four days ago!

Rodney

I don't want to worry you, Del, but this Tim's got a funny accent.

Del

(takes the phone and listens. A look of horror crosses his face) She only phoned the talking clock in America!

Grandad

(taking the phone) You mean we're connected to America? (listens) It's amazing, innit? Hello!!

HANG IT UP!!

Del

My only worry is, is a 59-seater bus gonna be big enough?

Grandad

A tandem would be too big!

Del

This time next year, we'll be millionaires!

Grandad

You said that this time last year!

Grandad

You've always been a bad 'un, Rodney.

Rodney

What, 'cos I didn't wear a crash helmet?

Grandad

I mean smoking mari-jew-arna!

Del

(after Rodney goes on a date with a policewoman) One minute you're walking along quite nicely, and the next minute... Whack! Life jumps out and gives you sobering thoughts.

Grandad

Oh, I've had a lot of sobering thoughts in my time, Del Boy. It were them that started me drinking.

Del

Yeah, I can understand that. The boy's grown into a man. I don't, I don't feel as needed as I used to be. Soon he'll, he'll fly the nest! But you know what the most sobering thought of the lot is? One wrong word from that plonker Rodney and I could end up doing five years!

Grandad

(to Sandra) Rodney's got a police record!

Del

That's right, it's "Walking on the Moon"!

Grandad

You play cards again last night?

Del

Hmm... Yeah. You know me, eh: he who dares, wins.

Grandad

How did you get on?

Del

I lost.

Del

How old is she, 20?

Rodney

No, she's about, 30!

Del

How old is "about 30"?

Rodney

40!

Del

(coughing) 40! 40? Stone me Rodney.

Rodney

What's wrong with going out with a woman of 40?

Del

Nothing. Nothing at all, if you happen to be 50! Blimey, she's even too old for me!

Grandad

Well I'd have to think twice!

Rodney

What have you been up to, Del?

Del

Oh, bits and pieces.

Rodney

Where have you been?

Del

Here and back.

Rodney

So what have you been doing?

Del

This and that.

Rodney

As long as I know.

Grandad

I thought you'd winkle it out of him in the end.