Trigger quotes from Only Fools and Horses

Del

Ah, there he is. Oi, Trigger?! (gestures and Trigger comes over) Here. You know my brother, don't you, eh? [points at Rodney]

Trigger

Yeah, course I do. (to Rodney) How you going, Dave? (Trigger and Rodney shake hands; to Del) Sorry I'm late, Del Boy. I had to pop round me sister's to sort out an alibi for next Thursday. (to barmaid) Joycie! (he goes over to the bar as Del drinks)

Rodney

Del?

Del

Hmm?

Rodney

Del?

Del

What?

Rodney

(quietly) Why do they call him Trigger? Does he carry a gun?

Del

No. It's 'cause he looks like a horse.

Trigger

You knew my granddad, Arthur, didn't you?

Oh yeah, I knew Arthur alright.

Trigger

He was a smashing man. He took care of me after my mum went.

Rodney

Where was your dad?

Trigger

He died a couple of years before I was born.

Grandad

(Rodney is angry after finding out the paint used for the kitchen was hooky) Tunnels?

Del

What?

Rodney

No, he said that!

Grandad

Trigger said the paint was used for painting signs in tunnels, well how can you see a sign in a tunnel, it's pitch black innit?

Trigger

Nah it's alright, this is luminous.

Del

See Grandad, it's luminous, which means you can see in the... Luminous?!

Rodney

Wherever I lay my hat, that's my home.

Trigger

You've got a hat now, have you, Dave?

Del

This is my punishment, isn't it? Spending the rest of my life in this wheelchair.

Trigger

Still, it could have been worse.

Mike

How?

Trigger

My gran had one with a squeaky wheel.

(to Rodney) "So what's your name?

Rodney

It's Rodney.

Trigger

(shouts from a distance) Alright Dave?

Rodney

No, it's Rodney. He's just a bit thick.

Trigger

Here, Mike, I ordered beer.

Mike

Don't try to be funny with me, Trigger! I'll tell you this much: I've had certificates for my beer.

Trigger

Yeah, I've had a few days off work with it an' all.

Trigger

Hold up, hats off.

Boycie

Hello, your mini cab's arrived, Albert.

Del

Boycie!

Trigger

Is that Dave?

Del

Yeah.

Rodney

You git. You rotten git! You never told me my new job was a chief mourner!!!

Del

Rodney, please show some respect.

Mike

What is the matter with everyone today? Trigger's done nothing but moan, you've got a face like a constipated rat. At least when Del Boy comes in, he cracks a joke and has a laugh!

Boycie

It is due to the activities of the aforementioned Del Boy that I have a face like a constipated rat! Derek popped in to see me this afternoon.

Trigger

How is he?

Boycie

A lot richer than before he popped in to see me this afternoon. He sold me some video recorders, 70 pounds each, I snapped them up.

Mike

70 nicker each? What, they fall off the back of a lorry?

Boycie

If they did, they were going around the bend in Düsseldorf!

Mike

How'd you mean?

Boycie

I've just discovered that these machines only work on the continental current. To make them work on the British system would take a transformer the size of a suitcase, and an electrician of such genius I'd have to go head-hunting at Cape Canaveral!

Doctors gave me six months to live.

Trigger

Well, you don't want to take too much notice of these doctors, Arnie. They'll say anything to get rid of you.

The spirits are with us. A man has stepped forward. A tall, elderly man wearing a black coat and a black hat. He wished to speak to someone called Audrey... No, no Aubrey.

Del

Aubrey?

Boycie

I am here.

Rodney

Aubrey?

Boycie

It's my middle name.

Trigger

You never said your name was Aubrey.

Boycie

Nor would you if your name was Aubrey.

(to Boycie, about the ghost of his father) He says you must be a good father. You must look after your child.

Boycie

Is he having a pop at me or something?

Uncle Albert

Elsie, Boycie and his wife Marlene can't have kids.

Del

Yeah they've been trying for years but nitto.

Rodney

Yeah he's had tests, things frozen, the lot.

Mike

The hospital have just about given up with him.

Trigger

He's low on something.

Boycie

(completely furious) Would you mind not discussing my personal life with strangers? You can tell my old man to keep his nose out of my business he was always going on at me for not giving him a grandchild.

Del

All right calm down. (grins) Aubrey.

Boycie

You can pack that in for a start. I'm gonna get a drink [He rises] It's all a load of rubbish anyway I never believed a word of it. [He considers] Excuse me.

Del

What's she doing?

Trigger

She's going like this... (shuts his eyes, leans back and groans)

Del

You know who that is don't ya?

Trigger

Sounds like Jimmy Savile

Del

Jimmy Savile? That is our mother

Trigger

Sorry Del Boy. Dave.

Rodney

[scornfully] Jimmy Savile.

Del

That's right bruv. Cheek.